MySpace was the first major social media company they made the internet feel like a nightclub
And it was the first major social media company to collapse. My name is Joanna McNeil on my new podcast
Main accounts the story of my space. I'm revisiting the early days of social media through the people who lived it
Listen to main accounts the story of my space on the iHeartRadio app Apple podcasts
Or wherever you find your favorite shows
What's up y'all this is Questlove and you know a QLS I get to hang out with my friends
So to Steve, Laya, Von Tigolo, unpaid bill
And we you know a Questlove Supreme like to nerd out and do deep dives with musicians and actors and politicians
Creatives people that we feel really deserve that attention
We learn we lab we fall down rabbit holes
Listen to the Questlove Supreme on the iHeartRadio app Apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcast
Suprema
I'm Dr. Romany and I am back with season two of my podcast
Navigating narcissism this season we dive deeper into highlighting red flags and spotting a narcissist before they spot you
Each week you'll hear stories from survivors who have navigated through toxic relationships
Gaslighting love bombing and their process of healing
Listen to navigating narcissism on the iHeartRadio app
Apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts
Hi, Catherine. Hi Chelsea. Hello listeners. How are you today? How is everybody today? I hope just wonderful
Yes, I do too. You know who's thriving at home who Bernice?
Is she is she just really giving you all the love every time one of my dog's dies the other talk is fucking happy now
She gets all the attention and yeah, I realized how marginalized she must have felt
I mean she was always the one who wanted to be spoiled the most right I think so yeah, cuz she looks now like she's now
She's flirty like she comes in like hey are you up? Let's hang oh and it's really cute
And she doesn't seem to be bothered by the fact that Bert isn't there at all. Oh
And that happened also when my older dog Tammy died and chunk was left
He got a pep in his step as soon as she was out of the way
That is an interesting dynamic like maybe they were just waiting
For the other one to die
They clearly don't have the affinity for the other dogs is the way that we want to believe that they do
You want to believe your children love each other but the reality is they don't so we had a dog who was a
Great parenties and there are these huge dogs
They're all white and this dog sort of had the personality of a cat very like I'll come to you sort of energy
And when our older dog died
She who she had basically been raised by she turned orange and she got super depressed
She did also get more like snuggly wanted to be with you wanted to hang out
She definitely became more of a people person. What about you dogs now? They're in love, right? Well
That's actually an interesting conversation because
Apparently we didn't know that you're not technically supposed to get sibling puppies
And so there was a little bit of an adjustment period where they were like fighting all the time
Oh, and I know honestly like I was so upset about it because they were fighting like in this way
These tiny puppies and just like fighting this way that was like really aggressive
Nobody's drawn blood, but I was like I don't know what we're gonna do Brad
We might have to rehome Lottie because she's like going after Wendell and
Then I found this perfect solution which was
basically training them out of it by using a squirt bottle and I did not think it would work and it fully
Works it just snaps them out of an argument and then we do a little training calm is their new command after they like break up a fight
They have to come and sit calmly. So now they're starting to like when I say calm
They're just coming over and like breaking it up. So I'm so relieved honestly
And that's really something that I would not be equipped to deal with no
Oh my gosh
I had no thought in my mind that it could be a bad thing and so
Careful out there if you're trying to get a puppy
Don't get to you know what I just okay
Well, if you don't want a puppy you can buy a hyperbaric chamber
I just got one of those installed into my house because I came back from skiing and my knees are just so messed up
Yes, so I got one and then I was like okay, and I'm gonna get one of my lasers done
I'm gonna get a co2 laser on my face and neck
and so I'm excited about this because
They're not as strong the ones you get for your house as the ones where you go to like a clinic and get it done
But you could sleep in it if you want really would you do that?
I doubt it, but I can go in there and read for two hours a day. Yeah, sure right right
That's easy like I can last night. I did one hour tonight. I'm gonna do two
You have to be cumulative about yeah, you can't just like start with four hours sort of thing
Well, no, I mean like you have to be consistent and do it like if you do it once in a while. It doesn't work
I don't think does it deep-puff like what's the what's about like you're getting a hundred and fifty
I'm at one atmospheric pressure, which who you know me and my space degree
Who the fuck knows what that means, but you're at like a hundred and fifty percent oxygen
Oh, whereas we're at fifty percent right now. Like we're getting fifty percent of oxygen. I don't know what else we're getting
I'm not sure what's happening carbon monoxide probably a little bit of that too
So yeah, it's supposed to be really good for injuries inflammation reducing swelling, you know all that stuff
So the house that we bought has a pool and we have not yet put a heater in it
I'm like should I just become one of those people who does cold plunges? I don't know
I don't know if I'm brave enough for that, but I'm tempted have you ever done one?
Mm-hmm. I have I just got one of those things too a cold plunge pool. Yeah, I haven't used it yet though
I'm saving that for the new house when it's ready. Yeah, I don't think I need both of those things
I think I like cold actually, but I don't like it that cold
That's a little but that's got to be really good for you
And that's only three minutes like I have a very chamber you have to be in for an hour, you know two hours a day
Like that's a little some more time consuming but a good excuse to read and not be on my phone
Take some you time in the upper marriage chamber
Tell see I'm so excited for our guest today
It's Bianca. Do you want to tell us a little bit about her?
Okay, Bianca del Rio is the host of the pit stop
which is the official review show of RuPaul's Drag Race and
Her alter ego is Roy Haylok, and that's who's here today. Hello Roy. Hello. Hi sweet cheeks
How are you? We're happy to see you since drag is such a hot topic these last few months
Drag shows are being banned. Was it the state of Mississippi or Tennessee? Tennessee
Tennessee okay, which is very confusing because what's Nashville gonna do? Well also like what's Dolly Parton gonna do?
I mean, let's be real here drag. It's a serious thing
Tennessee's all fucked up that they're not as bad as Florida though, but it is pretty insane that this is happening
Have they been banned in Florida to drag shows?
No, not yet, but it's on their way, you know DeSantis is losing his mind over there
So he's just been creeping out on other topics basically about the trans youth and dealing with trans people in general because apparently
The orders that they're making are just kind of vague. It's like blanket
Situations where it's leading things to where they could kind of decide what they think is right or wrong in the moment
Yeah, yeah, which is kind of fucked. Yeah
He's taking a lot of latitude because he's going after everything that's gonna make him like a political hero, right?
Yeah, taking the power away from Disney World
Which doesn't sound actually that bad when you read about it because you're like wait
Why is Disney World have their own municipality like what is that but whatever forget about that when we're talking about critical race theory?
We're talking about LGBTQ and in books and then now they're you know
I was funny
I posted something the other day about banning books in Florida and how you know Floridians really need to get their shit together
Blah blah blah and I got all these responses from people who saying well
I mean there's pornographic material in these books and I'm like no no no that's not what we're talking about solely
We're not talking about porn. We're talking about exposure to LGBTQ people and we're talking about critical race theory like porn is the least of it
And I mean there's a lot of porn in the Bible. Let's be real these people that clutch up to the Bible
I'm so done with the religious aspect of it or the people that say my moral compass is and is about this and I live by the Bible
You know what go clean the Catholic church go fix that motherfuckers because this is your people
This is your deal. You know there's gays in the church walking around with a purse that's on fire up and down the aisle wearing robes telling stories
It's no different than children's story hour, but why don't you fix that raping children? I mean hello truly like
Why don't you give me one priest and one person who dresses in drag and see what their record is of
Assaulting little children. Yeah, I agree. I completely agree
It's just absolutely insane. It's also this thing now where I think that they have to find a way to as you said to become the hero
So they're just picking on any group they could possibly do this with and it's just insane that this is the topic now
It's like look I'm I'm a person who does drag obviously and I don't believe in children coming to my show
My show is always 18 21 up. That's my thing. So I'm not one of the children's story hour people
But I never neither neither am I yeah
Agreed, but it's that thing where I'm like, you know, this is not my thing
But I do understand that if a parent feels that hey, this is what I want to do bring my child or expose them to that
They should have the right to do it. You know, it shouldn't be up to quote-unquote legislation or some guy with small dick energy
It all just is so counterintuitive to the republican party's platform, you know, not to get too political here
But like, you know republicans are historically known for getting decisions out of government
They hate big government. They hate it. Exactly when it's talking about taking people's rights away
And they're like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, we want to handle this
So it's just so hypocritical all of it
I mean, obviously the republican party has lost their way a long time ago
So we can't be expecting too much from them, especially with people like ronda santis
It was funny
I listened to this thing on ronda santis yesterday like the the genesis of ronda santis and I forgot
Remember you guys when that commercial came out before trump was elected because everyone had to like cozy up to trump
Because he was looking like the possible candidate, but it was like in 2018
I think when desantis ran for congress originally and he
Had to put an ad together and his wife was like he plays with our kids and what they were playing was building a wall
And he's like look my kids know how to and I never
Spoofing that when I was doing a tv show at the time because we were like who's this idiot
And I was like, oh fuck that was wrong to santis
We're in for it because this guy is still around and that was only like what five years ago
Isn't it crazy? Yes, that was him. Yep. Now. He's just bootlicking
But now he's on his own little platform here and that's the scary part about it
It's just to think that I mean florida's its own little world at this point
You know and you sit back thinking how is this fucking happening? How is this happening in real time?
How is this how is this our world? I don't get it
Yeah, uh
Anyway, let's move on to back to you instead of me just going off about everybody on that
I mean, I've decided 2023 is the year of conflict and confrontation
That makes total fucking sense and listen also. I just wanted to say happy belated birthday
I see you just had a birthday and you were out on the slopes. I was pizin myself. How did you survive that?
You know what I gotta tell you it's pretty enjoyable like isn't it's exhilarating
Like you're not cold because you have so much adrenaline like first of all
We're trying to be discreet because then we're trying not to have too many people see me because they'll they'll film me and then it's blown
Or we are trying to hide from ski patrol, but this year ski patrol saw us
And then came back and picked us up and dragged us out of there
Because we're like we need another half hour and they're like all right
Well, then this is gonna close and we would have to really like walk out
And so the guy came back and tugged us out, which was really cute
So that was great. So now they've given up and that's how I feel about pushing against authority
Like we push hard enough eventually the doors just open and the flooding starts and then they're just like fuck it
It's happening. Yeah, and it's gonna happen. It's just sheer exhaustion. They just don't want to bother anymore
They're like, I have fuck it. Let's just roll with it. Yeah, like the first year
I made a ski video the ski patrol found me or they were looking for me actively
But they didn't know I had already shot it two days earlier. They thought I was doing it in real time
I'm like no, that wasn't two days ago. Yeah, and then the next year I got a warning from the mountain that I'm not allowed just
I'm not allowed to drink and smoke pot on the mountain and then the next year
I skied off the mountain we did backcountry because I don't want to deal with those fucking people
And then this year they're just like, you know what?
They have no fight left in them
Do your thing. Do your thing
So that's how we always have to push up everyone who's listening you have to keep going you have to break the door down
You know, especially when it's in the name of just joyousness and celebration and fun and you're not hurting anybody
Right. So an art and art. Yes. Don't forget art. Yes. Oh, yeah, please. Don't forget what an artist I am
So
Let's talk about I think actually a good lesson started to make you a teacher for a little bit
So
Let's talk about she and her and pronouns
And I think it's always good to kind of refresh people who are confused still about what everything means
When you're in drag, you prefer to be referred to as a she or her correct
You know what I accept anything. I accept cunt and face
I mean, I'm I'm pretty cool with it because I'm of a certain age I too accept cunt face. I'm with you
It's true. I mean, I'm of a certain age where it's like, you know, I didn't think about those things and I I guess being a drag queen for so many
Of us I just answered any of it. So me. I'm just whatever as long as you get the right name on the check
I don't give a shit
I'm old enough to even say the check because who fuck gets a check anymore
But it's that thing where for me it doesn't bother me at all. So I mean I can be called anything
Okay, well, that's great to know for me for you and then when you're not in drag you're you identify as a man correct?
Yeah, well
I'm a little light in my loafers, but yeah, I would assume yes. Yes, that works for me
And are you in a relationship?
Oh currently
Yeah, shockingly and I say that very
And carefully because you know when you get to a certain age Chelsea you start thinking you don't want to mention the fuck boys
Because we've all been there and we've all been like, oh, this is the one this is it
I'm not one of those people that proclaim it on Facebook but or
Instagram or any of that madness
But you know every now and then they catch a picture of you and then people think yeah
This is it and then you end up fucking yourself
You know you end up getting screwed over and then you have to explain to the world in some form of fashion
Hey, this didn't work out. So I've been low-key with this one for about a year
So it's been hard to keep a secret, you know gays can't keep a secret, but we've been no
And a year and getting like gay life is a really long time. That's like seven years, right?
Yes, not lesbian though lesbians about 12 years, but this is about seven years in the gay world. Yes
But well, I feel like lesbians have are they stay together longer? No, yeah, because they're lazy
Yeah, it makes sense, you know, it's all about listen
I would be a lesbian because it's all about comfort look at the costumes look at the outfit look at the choices of hair
Look at a cat a cat can take costumes
Think about it think about it though. It's like it's literally all about comfort
So I would totally be a lesbian a cat can take care of themselves. It's a different world for for a lesbian
I mean they've got it figured out and is this your first serious relationship or no? Oh hell no
I've had I've had a couple. I mean I'm gonna I'm 47
So I've been around the block and I've had the good ones and the bad ones, but you know, it's you get to that point
Where you're like, all right, let's see if this is working and slowly this has been working shockingly
And what do you think makes it work for you? Well giving up giving up Chelsea. That's it. Just giving up like you said
No, it's more or less
It just kind of being with an adult. Does that make sense? I don't even know if it's about age
But it's more about just being an adult. He's got his own shit. He didn't give a fuck what I do
He doesn't care about drag. He's not interested in it, which is a lovely thing, you know
Don't even ask questions about it, which makes it so much more entertaining, you know, because I can go do my thing
He can go do his and then we meet in the middle. Mm-hmm. And how much of your life does drag take up far too much
I mean, it's your profession really, right? Yeah. Yeah, but you know, it's kind of like you got to create your own world
So for me, it's usually when I'm out on the road
I just finished a tour where I was out for 13 months and so we did a
129 shows in 27 countries and 99 cities
So that's the schedule, you know, and that's not just going out, but it's like going out with drag
You know, we got your meet and greets before the show. You got to get in the drag. You got to pack the drag
You got to go to the other countries and stuff
So it's a lot there and it's not so much like oh, my life is difficult
It just means, you know, when you're in the monkey suit, you're ready to entertain when you're out of the monkey suit
You like get the fuck away from me. I need to sleep. I need to drink
I need to be you know, I don't want to be bothered
So I guess that's the the packaging for it, you know, you start to realize it's a lot
Physically and mentally then you go how fucking lucky to get to travel the world and do what I do, you know
Yeah, it expends. I'm sure it expends a lot of energy
There must be days where you just do not feel like getting it up, right?
Like getting your outfit together and doing the whole hair and makeup, right?
I mean, I know as a woman that I don't want to do that on most days
No, no, it's true
It and it is kind of exhausting but then in the end you realize, you know, if I don't wear the wig of the makeup
I got a half the packaging to make it theatrical. How long does it take you to get in drag? I'm curious
I could get ready to about an hour, you know, if I have oh, okay, yeah, I'm not one of those
If you've seen me, I don't blend
So it's not like I'm sitting back doing this whole, you know, luxurious moment thing
It's not that fancy for me, but literally if everything is in a room I could do it within an hour
And what about the culture of your profession? I would assume it could be pretty catty, but oh, that's just yes, okay, okay
But I mean the catiness of it though, that's those are the people that are your friends
You know everybody that's a cunt is my friend, you know, we get it
Part of it, right giving each other shit in an exaggerated way because you're on top of it
You are drag queens who kind of do that for a living without a doubt
And I think I have I always suspicious of drag queens that don't drink and they don't have a fucking sense of humor
I go how can you not have any of those and so for me, you know when I started out
I was working in gay bars and you would do gay bars or cabaret spaces
That's the only place you could find a drag queen
But now you walk outside they're fucking hanging from the trees everywhere you go
Is some stupid bitch with a wig on saying drag save my life? No, that's not how I look at it
For me, it's a job. It's what I do and it's not necessarily my identity
But when I'm in it, let's go have fucking fun, you know, let's let's make the best of it
Take the piss out of each other basically
Yeah, that's fun. Where are you based out of?
Currently, I mean Palm Springs because it was cheaper than having plastic surgery
You know, you just come out here where the old people are and immediately you look better
So I've been out here now for about since the pandemic for about three years
Oh really? I was gonna guess that you were in Miami just by your decor behind you
Oh no, no, no, no, no, it's Palm Springs, everything's white
Even my neighbors that's a whole nother story because I am the brownest thing in this neighborhood
That doesn't have a lawnmower, but that's a whole other story
Okay, well, Catherine. Yes, we're gonna take calls
Yeah, sure people you're gonna expend great advice as I
I can suspect you're very good at giving sure and we're gonna help people along with their problems today
We're gonna help people with problems and we curate we curate the episodes to our guests
Yes, so we have questions that I think you'll be able to relate to
Oh, yes, Catherine. Thanks. Yeah
Catherine produces all our episodes every time I come here. It's a surprise
Exactly
Well, I'm gonna make us take a quick break and then we'll be right back with Bianca and Chelsea
Okay
When I was a teen I was part of an underground party scene made up of mostly Latinx teens all across LA
It was our release
You just close your eyes and just listen to the music and just dance away with your friend
It's just like you're free
But for other people looking in they often saw us as criminals
The people who throw these kind of parties are called party crews, but police say they're very similar to gangs
And around the time I was a part of it the scene got blamed for the murder of a 14-year-old girl
They made it more about the party's and her actual murder and disappearance
My name is Janice Yamoka
And this is a podcast about what happens when your safe space isn't always safe from vice
LA studios and iHeart all episodes of party crews the untold story
That's cre ws are available now as part of the my klstura podcast network on the iHeart radio app apple podcasts or ever
You get your podcasts?
What's up y'all this is quest love and you know a qls I get to hang out with my friend
sugar steve laya vontigolo unpay bill
And we you know a cuss love supreme like the nerd out and do deep dives with musicians and actors and politicians
Journalists we give you the stories behind all your favorite artists and creatives that you haven't never heard
I'm talking about stories behind their life journeys and their works of art
I love qls because of the qls team supreme. They're like a second family to me
your fantasy diving into music everything all manacking your musical history and
Learning things about hip-hop artists and things you never thought then you're a lot like me
But you're also a fan of quest love supreme
One of the things I love the most about this show is that we get to learn from the masters
I look at being on this show as my graduate
program in music
Listen to qls love supreme on the iHeart radio app apple podcast or wherever you get your podcasts
supreme
I'm dr. Romany and I am back with season two of my podcast navigating narcissism
Narcissists are everywhere and their toxic behavior in words can cause serious harm to your mental health
In our first season we heard from ileen charlotte who was loved bomb by the tinder swindler
The worst part is that he can only be guilty for stealing the money from me
But he cannot be guilty for the mental part he did and that's even way worse than the money he took
But I am here to help as a licensed psychologist and survivor of narcissistic abuse myself
I know how to identify the narcissist in your life
Each week you will hear stories from survivors who have navigated through toxic relationships
Gaslighting love bombing and the process of their healing from these relationships
Listen to navigating narcissism on the iHeart radio app
Apple podcast or wherever you get your podcasts
And we're back we're back
We're back brad or engineer quick question is rob on the line or no
Uh, no rob just gany and brian. Are you i'm sorry bad are you listening to Whitney his turn feeling it?
watching instagram videos
Uh
Bre's favorite song is i want to dance with somebody like no
That's crazy. He doesn't dance
Kevin, you know what i'm selene dion. That's not accurate. So selene dion is where it's at actually she's pretty fucking funny
I didn't realize selene dion was fun. Yeah drag queen introduced me to her
Well, i'm not introduced me but verified he's like chelsey you have got to watch her
She fucks around and she's really funny and i was like, oh, she's i know
Yes, then that awkward in that awkward way, which makes it so fucking fun
Yeah, and the and an awkward french canadian way yet that too
All right. Well so brian, sorry. We don't have him on correct
Uh, no, okay. All right. We'll go
Okay, wonderful. I think this question is great for both of you
So rob is writing in from toronto. He says dear chelsey
After an emotionally exhausting relationship with someone who i thought was going to be my person
I ended things after coming to the conclusion that he was manipulating me and playing games due to what i believe were narcissistic tendencies
This scenario forced me to call him out on his behavior and block him
So he would stop reaching out to try and convince me that he had changed and that we should get back together
Luckily i've moved forward and been able to get back on the mend but here's the issue
He and i fell in love over a common interest. We both want to pursue a career in comedy and writing
Now him being further along in his career means he's become a part of that world in our city
Meanwhile, the lone me is just getting started
It means that i'll have to see him interact with him and deal with him again
After coming to the incredibly hard conclusion that the best thing for me would be to never have to see him again
I don't have any intention to sacrifice my career ambitions
But i'm also unsure how to face all that anxiety depression and emotional trauma all over again
How do i honor the part of me that wants to make this a reality?
Well, also honoring the part of me that has urged me to stay away rob
I'll go first. Okay, ry. Got it
And you can follow up first of all huge opportunity for growth right here
Huge growth opportunity as they would say in any book whenever you have to be faced with something
You're already saying that you're going to pursue your career
He's going to be in the same career. There's nothing you could do about it
All you could control is the way that you react to the situation and handle the situation
And you have a huge opportunity to handle it with dignity and with grace and with self respect
And respect for him too. It didn't work out. That doesn't mean anything
You don't have to harbor ill will for that person
In fact, you should want that person to be able to find what they're looking for
Regardless of whether they're a narcissist or how they treated you or the dynamic of your relationship
You should want the best for him
And if you keep saying that to yourself eventually you'll start to believe that you want the best for him
Sometimes you kind of have to trick yourself into thinking that but this is a great great life lesson
I mean, I'm excited for you because you could go into this and be like I am going to crush this
You know what I mean?
I'm going to get an a plus in this class of like being a higher person
And leading the way you are going to be an example of to show him and the people around you
How to behave after a breakup rob i say move pack your shit move
Listen gays are the fucking worst. They will haunt you. They will drive you crazy get the fuck out of town
No, the thing you know, this is the thing every Chelsea's right
Be the bigger person which can be very difficult when you're dealing with gay people because they don't sit well with it
The fact that you both were in the same profession that alone is a fucking nightmare
I can't I would never would you date another comedian? Oh, I guess I shouldn't ask Chelsea
But I mean in general for me, I couldn't imagine dating another drag queen. I think that would be quite problematic
You know, so I don't know if I could do it. So you're a better person for even given that fucker an opportunity
But just just have a drink and remember that you know one day
He's gonna die and that should make you feel better and that should help you get through this
Yeah, that's how I look at it. There's two sides of the coin and that advice right there
Well, our next question comes from danny
tanny says dear Chelsea my friend who all call matt and I have been close friends since college
For the last 20 years. He's been a faithful loyal friend who I've shared good times and bad times with
He's funny. He's loyal. He's sassy. We both came out and around the same time in life
We've gone through a lot together and he's family to me
He still lives in dallas where we went to school. I live in boston with my husband
matt visits frequently and there's one side of him that makes it difficult to have him around
He has loud outbursts at times at restaurants on the streets and he even said something out the window to my neighbor
Who has severe mental health issues? He whistles at people at bars and says I'm not just shit to strangers in the streets
He's meaning to be funny or playful, but it makes me want to disappear out of humiliation
It's the behavior of a teenager and we are 40 years old
I've asked him repeatedly to please stop and he doesn't seem to understand how embarrassing this is for me
I've gotten to the point where I feel like I need to tell him this behavior must stop immediately or he can't come to visit anymore
He's never responded well to criticism. So I met a loss on how to approach him with this as he's already experiencing some loneliness in his life
And therefore likes visiting frequently much love from boston danny. I think we all have some loud friends. Yep. Yep. Yeah, I'll do
Loud and personal. I thought he was describing me danny. This is challenging
It's annoying when somebody thinks they're funny and they're not being funny
I can't fake laugh at something that I don't think is funny. So that's annoying and really annoying quality
Hi, danny. Hi, danny. Hi. How are you? Good
Hi, we hear we hear your friend matt is being very annoying
Yes, very much so
Yeah, that is really annoying by the way. I hate that when guy I hate loud
When people are screaming and loud, you know
And I also hate when people think they're funny and they're not and you're supposed to pretend
To laugh or not or whatever. Anyway, I think your friend is worth losing
And I've been influenced already by royale this podcast today. So I know I think your friend is if you lost him
It's not that big of a detriment to you. Is it? I mean, yeah, so that that's the that's the complicated part
I mean he so we've been friends for
I mean 22 years if i'm doing the math, right? So it would feel like
A huge impact for me, but like I was telling kathryn yesterday
I know you guys are busy. So I won't give you my whole story, but we're busy fucking doing this podcast
I mean we're busy listening to callers. So yeah, give us your story
Okay. Awesome. Thanks. Chelsea. I mean, you know keep it succinct about
So I grew up in very like small town
Texas
I left my small fucking town and moved to boston and have the queer I won and a tall gorgeous Italian husband and
basically killing it
and
like it's the truth and
And it's that thing where it's just here in my new life that I have here that I've worked very hard for
I live with like co-respect if that makes sense like let's live positively towards each other and
That type of thing, but I am not I am not gonna suffer fools
And I'm not gonna put up with people's bullshit anymore and I deserve respect like anybody else deserves respect
But he probably doesn't think he's disrespecting you in his defense. He thinks he's being entertaining or funny, you know
Oh totally
Totally and also danny. You said you've been friends for like 22 years now
Is he being annoying the fuck out of you for 22 years or is it just recently that he started annoying you
Is he jealous because you've got that fine piece of Italian man
Is that what's setting him off that he's forced to talk to strangers to make him something notice? Is that what it is?
No, no, no, I don't I don't think it's that at all
I mean, I think that it's always been there in some capacity, but then it's just a mixture of things
So I live in a different city and then he turns into this like one unquote city
Personally he's here and I'm like look the fuck around you
No one else is acting like that and all of us live here
What exactly does he turn into?
It's coming from like a it's like a get out of my way like no like whatever
And I'm like you're kind of the one being mr. Nonsense and irritating everybody
Because it's one of these older friendships where they're used to me being that person
It feels like I have to handle that new version of me a little bit more delicately
But then I live in cambridge. I live very close to harvard square
For 11 years. I know people and you're embarrassing me and people in my building know me and all these things
So that's I think that's where I'm having such a hard time
How do I go?
Can you please knock this the fuck off and be 40 because you're not like a 15-year-old girl
Yes, absolutely, but obviously you've said it to him in the past, right?
Yes, I have yeah
And did you say like you just said it to us knock the knock at the fuck off you're embarrassing the shit out of us
You're 40 you're 40 and there's nothing worse than telling a gay person. They're 40. That's a fucking reality check
It's definitely gonna wreck his nerves and it sounds like you hate him, Danny
It sounds like you've made that you've already got all this figured out. You hate him. Just drop him
It's not worth all the grief
No, I definitely don't feel like I hate him
I think with my own personal growth and
People have had to have compassion for me when I was just being a fucking idiot in places in my life
But I I went oh, oh my god. I'm so sorry. I will not I'm gonna stop doing that
Yeah, I think it's your approach. I think if you say to him in a much more gentle loving way like in a thoughtful way
Where the conversation isn't a reaction to his behavior. It's actually aside from his behavior
You know you either have a phone call or see him in person whatever feels right to you
But I think you can address this and be like listen
I know we've joked about it and I've been kind of a shit about it in the past
Reactive to your behavior, but I have to tell you it's not funny
And it makes other people uncomfortable and it makes me uncomfortable
And like say it in a really loving way like I care about our friendship
It's been 22 years
It's starting to become an issue like you don't seem to have any self-awareness around this issue
That you know how you're coming across isn't what you think it is
And you know without assailing him, but just laying it on the table in a more loving way
Yeah, I think there's also
Something there with like when we're out at the bar like be yourself be your crazy self
We love to see it, but when we're walking home late at night in my neighborhood
Where I know all these people who are 80 or whatever
And one who has is mentally ill like we don't need you triggering them or screaming at them
And if he can't get it together and he can't obey by those rules then you know
Maybe he doesn't come to say anymore. Right. Yeah, and I mean that's where I'm at
I want to have space for everybody in my life if there are Texas people or Boston people or
Wherever people if it's someone I love I want to have space for them in my life
But for me, it's just like you're literally taking space from me by being here
Well, he's got to meet you halfway. He's got to meet you halfway. He's he's gonna be respectful of what you're going through as well
Yes, totally. That's really great advice in terms of just approaching it a little bit more gently and also
I think just bringing it up when it's not a place where I am just ready to go off
Yeah, I think that's the bigger part is I need to get to a place where I can separate myself from the problem and go
This isn't mine to carry
So yeah, yep, and it's also okay to set that boundary with your friends and remember you're in Cambridge and you got that fine man
Don't worry about that little bitch
He gets right about him all the time. He's in Texas
Yeah, yeah, that's right. Yeah, just turn your turn that beat around and focus on your big Italian sausage
I
So thank you so much, Danny. Thanks, Danny. Thank you all. Thank you. Bye
I love Danny. I love Danny too. I was just thinking about my big Italian sausage
I was as I said that I was like I've never had a big Italian sausage and then I was like oh, yeah
I did I did an Italian guy who lived in Spain, but I did it him for a couple
But well, no we had like a long-term kind of come-and-go affair like we meet each other in cities
It was pretty cute actually how long have I yet over the course of like a year or two?
Nice. We were never like exclusive. It was just of an understood moment
We would meet up in different cities, which is my favorite thing really to do for having sex anyway
Yeah, you have an area code. I know I love I love a man in every port
As you should Chelsea, are you sure you're not a gay man? I mean this is this is no
I'm not I'm not sure
I don't know if I'm a lesbian or a gay man, but I feel like I am definitely on the other side of things got it got it
Well, our next question comes from Brian. Brian's also here with us on the phone
He says dear Chelsea. I'm writing because I need some advice that I haven't been able to get from a therapist
A thing that haunts me is the dynamic I have in a lot of my friendships ever since middle school
I've been told that I'm easy to pick on or fun to tease
I definitely grew up in a household where I was sort of prepped to expect the world to reject me
Both of my parents are deeply insecure and somehow transferred that to me as an attempt at protection
Now in my mid 30s, I'm still haunted by friendships with people who seem to find a lot of pleasure in teasing me or picking on me
Often about things that are reminiscent of what I got picked on for in middle school
My weight or my lack of masculinity
Therapist after therapist gives me the same run around about having self-worth and all that stuff
That's lovely, but it's hard to balance an attitude of not taking oneself too seriously and also not being self-deprecating
I think a lot of this is just sort of lazy humor that people have that was popular in the early 2000s
And we've all sort of grown up from
One of the things I love about you and your podcast has been your evolution in your own sense of humor
I'm just really looking for some help and advice from someone that I think has their shit together and isn't so damn invested in who I am
Brian
Hi, Brian
Hi, Brian. Hi
Hi, Brian. We have our special guest today. Bianca slash Roy
Hi, Brian. Hey, nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Hi
Okay, so your friends is it the same group of friends? Is it a varied group? I mean, is it a lot of people or is it?
It's like a good percentage of my friends
But I think so I've got friends from my like teens and 20s from when I lived in Atlanta
And then I've got friends from when I moved back to California that are mostly people I met in my 30s
And I really thought that when I made that move
That I would be able to redefine that boundary of how I talked about myself and how I let friends talk about me
And
I just noticed like the same pattern has started up again over the past few years
So I'm kind of at a loss. Okay. So what is the pattern? Can you give us some examples?
Totally. I mean, it could be like little remarks from straight friends about being
So gay or too gay or you look straight until you open your mouth and start talking
Or comments about my weight
I work in the diversity equity and inclusion space
So like jokes about me being the woke police or just stuff like that
I see yeah
Okay, well, I think these are just kind of leftovers, you know what I mean?
Like everybody's getting up to speed if you're these people are good friends in your life
I'm sure that they care about you, right?
So it is lazy humor. It is leftover from we're entering a like a world where like it's not cool to say that anymore
And some people are just kind of like they don't want to let that go, you know what I mean?
It's easy to make that joke. It's easy to make that reference. I'm guilty of it myself at times
You know, I just always have to remember like pick it up pick up your humor
So I think you have to just have a different reaction than you've had and and don't think of it as a reaction as much of a response
Where you are firm, you know
And whatever that looks like for you like it can be a real conversation or it can just be like the way you react in the moment
Like dude if you still think you can say stuff like that you're like mistaken like get with the program
Yeah, I might be the woke police, but I know what's going on and you guys don't
It's not cool to make fun of people being gay anymore. It's not funny anymore
Get more clever in your humor. I think you have to be a little bit more aggressive than you're probably natural disposition allows you to be
Totally and I think where I've tried to like call people out on it
Especially when it's stuff that I like really sensitive about the immediate reaction that I get is oh my god
You take yourself too seriously. Oh my god, you're too sensitive
And that's where I honestly like fall apart and turn into like a kid being bullied on the school yard again
And just kind of want to burst into tears
Yeah, you don't want to do that. You don't want to do that
You want to like handle it in a way that it's not a question
Right because then they're going to attack you for being weak and then that supports their argument that you're already
Too much of a whatever too effeminate or too girly or too gay or whatever like I think you have to just be succinct about it
Like it's not cool guys at all and not in a victimy way
In a way that you're not the victim in a way that you're taking charge of your life
Like great if you guys want to do that, that's great
But I have other friends that aren't going to treat me like that even though you don't yet
Let's just pretend you do
Yeah, okay
Because we're going to manifest them and you're going to start talking and you're going to start attracting people that are going to be treating
You in a more dignified way because the people you're around is always just a projection of yourself
So when you start taking your gayness more seriously and with more pride instead of being a victim about it
Then you're going to be in a position of power instead of a position of weakness
Which it seems that you're in right now, but that's easy to shift out of
Totally and you also have to realize that you know when someone says this kind of shit
Like as gay people we've heard this our entire life as you've said you've dealt with it as a kid and it takes you back there
Is it literally in your mind? You have to flip it and just go I've heard it. This doesn't affect me on that level anymore
I can't allow it to affect me anymore. You got me. I'm gay
Gay as it gets
Look at me. What else you got? Yeah, I'm gonna fly away in about five minutes
It's just one of those things where it is it is a lazy situation
But yeah, once you assess it and just kind of in your own mind go, hey, I'm not that kid anymore
And I don't have to put up with this shit
You know and you do realize that when people are this negative in your world that it does become exhausting
How much of it are you willing to take how much are you willing to put up with?
You know, and so I think if you put it on the line with them then they have the option
I'm either staying and being a better person or getting the fuck out, you know, it ain't worth all that
It ain't worth all that trust me. I've been called sissy
I've been called everything and it's just one of those things where like if you say fag on the street
I'm gonna turn first because I would react to it going hey, but in the end I laugh at it now
You know because I am a big fag in a wig, you know, it's my job
And brain you mentioned being self-deprecating
Is that something that you find yourself sort of leading with when you meet someone new or you know, or in a new friend group?
Oh my god. Yeah, I mean
I've been out since I was 13
And had a weight problem since I was younger than that
So of course like the way that I've always learned to sort of be on the defense is to make the joke quicker than everybody else does
And through like years and years and years of therapy, I've learned that that's something I have to really check
But also it does make people feel more comfortable around you when you can show that you can make a joke about yourself
It's just such a hard boundary for me to find between being self-deprecating
And then also not just talking shit about yourself
Right exactly you can be self-deprecating, but not when you're telling yourself negative things about yourself
There are different ways to be funny and make other people feel comfortable without putting yourself down
Yeah, right like Chelsea has a joke about like the difference between the sun and the moon and she talks about that
But she's not going around calling herself stupid. There's a difference between
A shame-based, you know, quote-unquote self-deprecation and something that's fun and lively and invites
Positivity into your life. So just be really careful and maybe for a time you aren't self-deprecating
Maybe you take a break from that for a little while and start making jokes that are positive about yourself and see where that gets you
See what happens with that. Yeah, I like that idea making jokes that are positive about yourself
And also, you know, like whatever your approach has been or response has been thus far isn't setting the right message
So you should experiment with some other responses
You know, and it doesn't have to be like you getting up and storming out when you're in a group setting and your friends are like not getting it
It's about you laying down a boundary and going hey guys
I know this is fun for you, but it's so old and it's so not funny for me like this is my life
I'm not interested in hearing about this anymore
Like if we can't have more clever jokes about me than like why don't you guys let me know when you're ready to hang out
Without making fun of the fact that I'm gay
When you're ready to do that and you feel more mature
Then great and you know, you could try it like that but make it a non-emotional
And I know it's hard in the moment when you're having those interactions
But I think this is a perfect example of something that kind of needs to be handled in the moment
Yeah, totally
Yeah, I mean that makes total sense demand
It's a good exercise for you. It's great, you know, because once you get a little bit of power your power back
You're gonna like the way that feels and then there's gonna be more boundaries and boundaries are good
Like they're not limiting they actually are expansive because they make people behave in different ways
And they make other people expand their behavior, you know what I mean?
So like you're not just helping yourself. You're helping other people around you and you're setting up a dynamic
That's much more respectful to yourself
Right, you know, I think there's also an opportunity maybe for you to express to your friends that you
Are making a conscious shift in how you talk about yourself and what you talk about
Yeah, I had a moment with my therapist where I was like
My and laws are gonna bring up such and such and I'm gonna have to talk about it
And she's like, you know what just say like I actually used to talk about that all the time
And I'm not comfortable talking about it anymore
And then you change the subject and like think it's okay to do that in like a kind and caring way like
I don't really love joking about my way anymore. Like let's move on, you know
It's just like taking ownership over something just taking ownership over it and also just realizing hey
We've been there. We've discussed it. It's been beaten to death moving on
Yeah, and I think being comfortable with that like momentary discomfort. Yeah knowing it's gonna have a positive
It's temporary
In the long run
Yeah, I mean it's like I was talking about this last week
I was reading this book and I was talking about like letting go and dancing even though you may look like an idiot
You're learning how to dance or you're gonna you're gonna let people see you
Kind of stumble and for me because I'm not good at dancing
I have no rhythm
But I was like it's preventing me from dancing like I don't want to be like that
I don't care what I look like when I dance at least I want to be that person
So I just I was like, okay
I made a real effort this winter when I was up with my friends when we went out
I was like you got to dance all the time just dance as an exercise because it doesn't matter what anybody thinks
And it doesn't matter if people see you mess up
That's good and it's a growth spur for you to be uncomfortable in what you're asking
And then see the result of what you're asking and if your friends aren't respectful of that then they're not your friends to begin with
Yeah, the bigger issue, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but I'm sure that they will be
Yeah, it's probably me giving them
A little bit more credit too and just giving them time to understand that like I'm having a shift in how I want to talk about myself
So, yeah, absolutely. What was this helpful brian?
Yeah, totally
Years and years in therapy can give you a bunch of tools, but sometimes you just need like a really good pep talk
So this has been great for that and I thank you all so much and we didn't even charge you we didn't even charge you
Yeah, we are we're gonna bend mo you or do you bend mo us? Who bends you?
Is it the purchaser or the oar the buyer? I don't know so confusing are we on to the end voice?
Okay, yeah, we'll send you an invoice
Awesome. Well, thank you so much, brian. Bye, brian good luck
Bye
A lot of questions that really like deep down are about people pleasing with two people who are
In my opinion don't seem very concerned about pleasing people. No
No, well, I'm quick to drop a bitch. I'm just one of those
I mean, I think also just as you get older you start to realize we ain't got much time
Like do I really want to be bothered with this toxic person, you know, and if they're going through a moment
I never say never so it's that thing of like if you have a spell and you don't speak to them and then eventually you pick back up
All right, you got over yourself. We addressed it now. You're in a better place
That's fine, but the the daily occurrence or just dealing with that annoying son of a bitch
I don't think I could do it. I just can't
Yeah, and also these people aren't necessarily toxic. They just are not
They haven't been called to task for their behavior
So if they were called to task for the behavior and then increase that behavior
Then it's you know what I mean, then it's toxic
But like we have to give them a little bit of credit to understand that they might get the feedback and be like, oh shit
You're totally right. Sorry. Sorry. We did that. You know, that's also an option and they may have just like gotten the wrong
Impression in the beginning of like he's teasing about himself. Like yeah, let me jump on the bandwagon
Yeah, exactly
Well, let's take a quick break and we'll be right back to wrap up with bianca del rio and Chelsea
When I was a teen I was part of an underground party scene made up of mostly Latinx teens all across LA
It was our release
You just close your eyes and just listen to the music and just dance away with your friend
It's just like you're free
But for other people looking in
They often saw us as criminals the people who throw these kind of parties are called party crews
But police say they're very similar to gangs and around the time I was a part of it
The scene got blamed for the murder of a 14 year old girl
They made it more about the party's than her actual murder and disappearance
My name is jennis yamoka and this is a podcast about what happens when your safe space
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I'm dr. Romany and I am back with season two of my podcast navigating narcissism
Narcissists are everywhere and their toxic behavior in words can cause serious harm to your mental health in our first season
We heard from ileen charlotte who was loved bomb by the tinder swindler
The worst part is that he can only be guilty for stealing the money from me
But he cannot be guilty for the mental part he did and that's even way worse than the money he took
But I am here to help as a licensed psychologist and survivor of narcissistic abuse myself
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Each week you will hear stories from survivors who have navigated through toxic relationships
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And we're back
Bianca roy. Yes. I love your energy. Oh, well, thank you know, listen, it's just what it is
You know, you for somebody who wears all this shit and drag
I'm just basically a normal person, which is funny
You know because you put all these layers on you put all this madness and and people just assume that you're going to be different
No, I'm still the same sad fact out of it. So it's no big deal. It's what it is
Bianca, do you have any advice you'd like from Chelsea? Well, I'm just curious though Chelsea
You've been around you've had the block
The block depending on the block around Jenny's block and you've also been you know in and out of a
Big Italian sausage, you know, you've had a rehab. Oh, that's good. I haven't done rehab yet. Is it maybe that's the question is rehab worth it?
I haven't been either. Oh shit. Okay. To be quite honest with you. I'm not I'm not doing that in this lifetime
I was gonna say it's for quitters, but in general like I was in rehab the last lifetime and that's why I'm actually
against it now
I guess you know the question I would have is that how do you how do you maintain your sanity with
With as many projects as you have going on because of the fact that you basically you know as a comedian as a writer
As a person who's out there and making appearances and talking efforts
Like even just now giving advice to people how do you find that balance for yourself to stay kind of
In tune with yourself and also
Funny entertaining engaging in the business side of it as well. How do you how do you do it?
I mean, I hate saying I have a practice. I don't hate saying it. I'm just not used to saying that but it is a practice
I practice it I practice making sure that this is not my whole life that my whole life does not revolve around my career
My career is pretty much the biggest thing in my life
But it doesn't take over my life like I have a private life and a personal life and I have friends
You know lots of different groups of friends that have nothing to do with hollywood
And I try to spend as much time as I can
Away from la so that I am reminded about the rest of the world
Yeah
And I think that is a really important ingredient in terms of evolving and growing and learning, you know
I'm always trying to learn even when i'm watching tv. I'm trying to learn something
You know, I try not to watch stupid shit so that I can be educated
But you know obviously I watch stupid shit as well
And you know what i'm reading and stuff, but it's it's really important to
For me at least it has been to remain very grounded in terms of my relationship with my family
And my relationship with myself not to be
Not to have it all encompassing, you know to have like a wide birth of interests
Not a narrow field or to be like a hermit
You know, I always want to just go out and grow and anytime I can you know leave this country
I do it so that i'm not getting recognized every single place and i'm not constantly being told
Nice things about myself or terrible things about myself either way
It's not about me, you know what I mean?
You want to get to a place in your life where not everything is about you right right?
I think that's definitely the issues that lie within it because it's so I guess with social media
There's so much that's there out in the world and then everybody then starts to
Compare or analyze what everybody's doing in the world and there's a huge part of my life that I don't put
You know as i was telling you before I don't put all my business out there on the street
But what I do put out there you are going to be judged by so I try to maintain that sense of
Hey, this is what this is and this is what my real life is
I just didn't know if that's like the best way to go, but it just seems like that works for you
So
Well, it's nice to integrate everything, you know
Because whatever is happening in your private life and your personal life
You're able to bring with you to your profession and to your creativity and vice versa
So it's like it all feeds each other, you know
There is no perfect ratio of time spent in the public eye versus time spent in the private eye
But you know, I'm a very public person
I've I'm totally down with that because I'm not trying to pretend i'm anything other than who I am
And I like that people respond to it
So I have a lot of gratitude, but I also have a desire to not
You know, I can't tell you how nice it feels when you don't check instagram all day one single time
Yeah, yeah, yeah
When you can go a day 24 hours
And then you start to deprogram yourself like it's fine to be on social media
But not scrolling for hours blindly and mindlessly like that is just and every time I give myself time like that
I'm always feel it. I'm like, oh, you're fuller
Like you've you've filled up your cup a little bit more today instead of depleting it with compare contrast
Gossip looking at people liking what they're wearing not liking what they're wearing
Yeah, whatever all of that bullshit
So I think it's a good practice to try and just always maintain a little bit of you know
Some other interests
Makes sense makes sense
It was great seeing you. I hope I get to see you in person one day soon. Yes. Hopefully too
Yes, we gotta work that out next time you're around we can make some madness happen
Well, yeah, we can have a sausage party. Yes sausage party all about it
I'll order up the Italian. That sounds like a friend like a joke that one of his friends would make to him
Welcome to the sausage party Jason has arrived
Okay, have a great day. We love you. Thank you very much. All right. Okay. Thanks. Bye
And don't forget everybody my new special revolution is now streaming on Netflix
And it's badass and then i'm doing a tour a little big bitch tour go to Chelsea handler.com for tickets
I've added some new dates. I added a date in Monticello, New York. I'm coming to Colorado to red rocks amphitheater
I'm coming to calum mazoo and then i'm coming to a bunch of places in Tennessee
Memphis Knoxville and Chattanooga that's May 19th 20th and 21st
And then i'll be in Atlantic city june 10th, which is almost filled out. So get your tickets
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