I'm Penelope Spheras on the host of a new podcast about the life and death of Peter Ivers.
Peter was the host of a TV show featuring prominent LA punk bands until he was murdered in 1983.
40 years later, we dive into that music scene and the mystery of his passing.
Listen to Peter and the Acid King on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Sometimes the pop culture we love just teens hits differently in retrospect.
Maybe it's a tabloid story we couldn't get enough of or an illicit student-teacher relationship on our favorite show.
We're Suzy Bannakerum and Jessica Bennett, posts of the new podcast in retrospect.
Where each week we'll revisit a cultural moment from the past that shaped us, and probably you,
to try to understand what it taught us about the world and our place in it.
You're the first person that I've talked to about this for years and years.
Listen to in retrospect on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you find your favorite shows.
Everyone in our country has a voice.
It's something that says not just where you come from, but who you are.
Welcome to MPR's Black Stories, Black Truths, a collection of podcasts and a celebration of the host and journalism
who've always spoken truth to power.
Our voices are as varied, nuanced, and dynamic as the Black experience,
and stories should never be about us without us.
Find NPR Black Stories, Black Truths on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.
Everything's wise. We have virtually no evidence.
In 1995, Detective Tony Richardson was trying to figure out who killed a fellow officer.
The case comes down to who is believed and who is ignored.
Oh my goodness, we did commit to an innocent man.
I'm Beth Schellburn from Lava for Good Podcasts.
This is Ear Witness.
Listen to Ear Witness on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
I'm the Wizard of Oz. I'm the one making everything happen.
Real housewife of Salt Lake City Star, Jen Shaw, is running the scam of the century.
I remember one time Stuart lost like about 8 million.
Jen was very upset and she came down to the office late at night with Coach.
Y'all got screaming at him, asking him where their money is.
Vinch, all eight episodes of Queen of the Con, season four, the Unreal Housewife,
on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Hi, Catherine.
I'm really excited about today, Chelsea.
Oh, wow, you have a little party boner.
I actually do a little podcast party boner.
Can I tell you why, Chelsea?
We are finally going to do some matchmaking.
That's nice.
Collars, pay attention.
Are these just for gay people?
Or is this for a heterogenerous couples?
You know, here is the thing.
When I finally dug into the emails, I thought to myself,
like, how am I going to hook these people up?
Right, because people are all over the country, all over the world,
emailing in, some people are gay, some people are straight, etc.
There are a lot of straight women that rode in.
And I, you know, we will do our best for you, ladies, but
yes, it's going to be more successful for gay guys.
Okay, well, take whatever we can tell you.
You know what I mean?
We have to help who we can help.
Yes, but I thought what we do, I thought we can do sort of a crowdsourcing thing.
And then we'll let people slide into their DMs or into an email that we create for them.
Chelsea, I have some updates from some previous collars.
Are you ready for this?
Yes, okay.
Well, this first one is from a recent piece of advice that we gave, Melanie.
She was from an episode that you and I had done together.
Her Airbnb host was a little older, a little sexy older man situation.
She was worried about putting the moves.
She says, I have a very happy update for you.
After another month of growing closer and getting flirty,
my host finally bit the bullet while we were on a hike together.
Right on, sister.
I would love it.
And told me he'd like to be more than friends.
Needless to say, I was so relieved since I've clearly been such a chicken about making a move.
Since then, we went on a first official date where he took me to the movies and surprised me with roses.
We finally said everything we've been holding in and things moved quickly ever since.
I love that part where you tell each other all the times you were about to say something
and you did it and then they tell you what they were thinking.
That's the most exciting time of a relationship.
It's the best.
It's a very, very beginning where you're just flirting and trying to be on your best behavior.
And filling in the gaps from things that have already happened.
Here's where my head was at with that.
He treats me like an absolute gold and I'm stunned that it's even possible to feel so adored
by an emotionally available man.
I'm being showered with words of adoration and we're already talking about finding ways
for me to stay here in New Zealand long term.
It's a big adjustment.
Living in the same house and dating a much older man is all new territory for me.
But I'm more than ready to heal all the dating app drama I endured in my 20s.
Thanks again for your encouragement and all you do on this podcast.
Hopefully I can provide more happy updates soon in gratitude and Melanie.
And stay in New Zealand.
That's a safe place for global warming too.
They're saying New Zealand.
You and all the bunkers are over there.
Are there?
Yeah, they have a lot of millionaires and billionaires have built like
bunkers into the side of the mountains in New Zealand.
Even though it's pretty much an island.
Yeah, it doesn't have huge elevation.
But it has protective rock layering and there are hills and stuff.
Yeah, we have a friend who's a Kiwi and he did COVID right.
He decided to leave his terrible wife and go back to New Zealand at the beginning of COVID.
And he was like, I got there.
You have to quarantine for two weeks, right?
So they put you up.
The government put you up in a nice hotel on the beach.
And one hour a day, they would like have someone follow you for your like
romantic walk on the beach.
So you could have some outdoors time and then they give you like
steak dinners every night for two weeks all on the government.
I was like, good job New Zealand.
For when you are stressed out?
No, just like during the beginning of COVID when he had to quarantine.
Because they only let him kiwi.
Yeah, and that is nice.
Yes, I'm having dinner with my friends tonight.
And he just texted me, do you want sushi or steak?
I'm like sushi.
I don't want steak anymore.
I don't know.
Even when my bowel gets steak for the house, I look at it now and I'm just so disgusted.
I can't even eat it.
I can eat a burger, but steak itself, I'm starting to get really grossed out by.
Oh, no.
Sometimes you do just get the egg.
Like I sometimes look at the egg for chicken for like two years.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I had that about salmon and now I'm down deep down.
I'm upriver with salmon.
I love salmon.
You know why I also like salmon?
Because bears love salmon.
And I love fucking watching bears try and catch salmon.
Do you watch YouTube videos or is this just like your can?
On Instagram.
Oh, yeah, all I watch are bears and fat fat babies.
Oh, yes.
I love both of those things.
It's amazing how a lot of people do not like fat babies.
Because I forward that stuff to my girlfriends and a lot of them are like stop sending us this.
They're like, this is gross.
I'm like, what?
I think it's beautiful.
I mean, when is the time to be a fatty unless it's when you're a baby?
Absolutely.
That's the easiest time to do it.
See, my thing right now is just like dogs that are howling or like singing quote-unquote
and people will write these like jazz tunes underneath them.
And it cracks me up every single time.
I just absolutely love it.
Dog humor is pretty solid.
It's solid.
It's solid.
Okay, on that note, we're going to take a quick break and we'll be right back.
I'm Penelope Spheras.
I'm a film director.
I want to tell you a story about a friend of mine.
Back in the 70s, Peter Ivers moved to LA to start his music career.
He scored Ron Howard's directorial debut.
I didn't know one thing about Peter Ivers.
I just said, okay.
Let's meet him.
An event hosted a late night cable TV show.
It showcased LA punk bands in all their glory.
The crowd started getting bigger and bigger and then there was Beverly Danzelope.
There was John Balucci.
But then it all went to hell.
It was murdered.
Peter Ivers was murdered on March 3rd, 1983.
And it raised a question that 40 years later,
we still don't know the answer to.
Who killed Peter Ivers?
Listen to Peter and the acid king on the iHeartRadio app Apple podcast or wherever you get your podcasts.
This is In Retrospect, a podcast about pop culture from the 80s and 90s that shaped us.
I'm very much a product of the pop culture I consumed.
Yeah, and I don't think that's a bad thing.
I'm Jessica Bennett, a New York Times writer and bestselling author.
I'm Susie Benacarum, an award winning TV producer and filmmaker.
Every week, we'll revisit a moment in cultural history that we just can't stop thinking about.
From tabloid headlines to illicit student teacher relationships,
and one very memorable red swimsuit.
I found myself in Pamela Anderson's attic as you do.
I put that red swimsuit in a safe because it seemed everybody wanted it.
We're digging deep to better understand with these moments taught us
about the world and our place in it.
I want you to really smell the axe body spray that emanated during this time.
It was presented more as kind of like a crime topic.
Okay, not a love story.
Not a love story.
It had been branded.
On the uteruses of every single woman from sea to shining sea.
Listen to In Retrospect on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,
or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
The Unimaginable Season 2 of the Unimaginable
hones in on individuals who have led Unimaginable lives
by following their instinct, their gut, their passion.
I'm truly inspired by these episodes because they dig into the backstories of people
that know success almost as a byproduct of their unwavering dedication to their craft.
From guests like TycoYTT to your vision of what you're trying to do.
It's just more pure.
The family is more pure and the success is more pure.
To Odessa Rae's life-changing experiences that strangely conditioned and equipped her
to produce the Oscar award-winning documentary, Navalny.
I was stuck in that Japanese prison for 42 days.
This season delivers behind-the-scenes conversations about the many roads to success.
Listen to The Unimaginable on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,
or wherever you get your podcasts.
Everyone in our country has a voice.
It's something that says not just where you come from, but who you are.
Welcome to NPR's Black Stories Black Truths.
A collection of podcasts and a celebration of the hosts and journalism
who've always spoken truth to power.
Our voices are as varied, nuanced, and dynamic as the Black experience,
and stories should never be about us without us.
Find NPR Black Stories Black Truths on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.
Evidence wise, we have virtually no evidence.
We had the word of a 15-year-old who told lies a lot of lies.
In 1995, Detective Tony Richardson was trying to figure out who killed a fellow officer,
Deputy Bill Hardy.
Without solid evidence, the case comes down to who is believed and who is ignored.
We did commit to innocent man.
And he's been on death row all these years, and I didn't know it.
I'm Beth Shelburn from Lava for Good Podcasts.
This is Ear Witness.
Listen to Ear Witness on the iHeartRadio app,
Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
And to hear episodes with no ads, subscribe to Lava for Good Plus on Apple Podcasts.
And we're back!
We are!
Well, age says dear Chelsea.
I'm an almost 33-year-old woman living alone in a major city in Washington state,
which I recently relocated to to be closer to certain members of my family.
My relationship with my mother has gotten a little bit better in recent years as both of us
have been going to therapy, but still honestly has quite a ways to go.
I love her very much and do believe she's a wonderful person underneath it all.
My mom has never liked any person I've ever introduced her to,
whether they were romantic or a friend.
She always seems to see the worst in people, even when they've never given her any reason
to be suspicious or wary.
In all my adult life, I have simply tried to accept that that's how she is,
and let her unsolicited opinions about me and my life choices roll off my back,
like water off a duck's back, as you like to say.
There have been periods of time in which I've gone low contact,
or given her a strict information diet to preserve my joy,
and protect myself from her unsolicited opinions.
But I've also tried to do right by her and make her proud.
I've been dating my boyfriend for a few months,
and recently I felt like a good time to casually introduce him to some of my people,
my folks included.
I felt that it all went well, all of my friends absolutely loved him,
and the meeting with my folks seemed very chill and cordial.
Then, a week after that, my mom expressed significant concern.
She said that he makes her feel uncomfortable,
that she feels he is potentially dangerous and has a gut feeling that he's bad at news.
I maintain my coposure to hear her out,
but gently pressed to ask if he said anything rude,
or did anything inappropriate that made her feel this way.
She said no, it was just her intuition.
Exactly.
I feel I should mention that he does have an alternative look.
He's missing a few teeth from a traumatic altercation in his youth,
and looks a bit rough around the edges.
I've heard his stories and get zero red flags from them,
and honestly find it very hot that he has his own style.
He's in touch with himself and I find his look very attractive.
He's a wonderful man who treats me better than I've ever been treated
and is much softer on the inside than he looks on the outside.
However, I truly value intuition.
Do I put stock in hers or trust my own?
To sincerely H.
Hi H.
Hi Chelsea.
Hi Catherine.
So great to meet you.
Was that a cabbage patch kid behind you in that window, so?
I'm weird doll.
Yeah, I'm a nanny.
Oh, there's all sorts of kids.
Oh, oh, I see.
Copy that.
Yes, we are catching her during nap time.
So it sounds like you have a long history of this dynamic in your relationship, right?
That she's been pulling this shit for years and years.
Yeah, and to the point where I want to honor her perspective,
and I want to always consider if there maybe is some truth to any of her complaints, you know?
But when I really think about it, I just can't quite figure out what her deal is
why there's consistently a problem and has her intuition been right before?
Not really.
I mean, not in anything else.
I mean, she's been correct that my relationships in the past didn't last forever,
but that was my choice and a good one.
That's more factual.
That's not intuitive, right?
That's what happened happened.
Yeah, I would put a lot less value in what her intuition is telling her.
There is a nice way to say this to her, though, because you have a great opportunity,
because you just said all of these things that make your boyfriend,
or I don't know if you're calling him that yet.
Are you calling him your boyfriend?
Okay, your boyfriend, like shady kind of characteristics.
Like he's missing a couple of teeth, or what people would frame as
rough around the edges, as you mentioned, like that, right?
I think that's a really open-minded view that that doesn't bother you.
That's a great place to start to say, to just engage in this conversation and go,
you know, while I can understand for this, this, and this reasons that might have made you uncomfortable.
But I don't really look at those things as, you know, I think those are characteristic
of who he is, not as character flaws, you know,
and you can use your own language to say all of this.
But it's a great opportunity to be soft and gentle,
honor her intuition, and also let her know it's really no longer welcome.
You're a woman now.
You don't need her opinion.
You don't need her approval.
She's not even proven herself to be good at listening to her intuition.
These are judgments, not intuitiveness, you know, judgment and intuition are two different things.
So yeah, one, thank you for clarifying, because that's kind of where I was trying to draw the line
as well, where it's like, if it actually felt like intuition, if it was coming from a best friend,
who actually knows me really, really well.
Or has a track record of steering you in the right direction?
Then I would be taking it super seriously, but what's hurt?
It's like, no, I think that's just a nice word for judgment, for me.
It's a big green flag to me that all your friends really, really liked him,
and that he got along with the rest of your people, and I think you have this track record
with your mom of like, she doesn't like your friends, she doesn't like whoever you bring home.
I think you mentioned she loves everybody, your sister brings home.
Of course, when she's got a feel, amazing.
But you mentioned wanting to do right by her and make her proud.
I think for me, especially like that's something I carry with me all the time,
that I'm working on dismantling, and my 30s is just like being okay with sort of
disappointing my parents, and in ways that are sort of large and small, and often,
the result is not as catastrophic as I thought it was going to be in previous years.
And like Chelsea said, having a conversation with her,
remind her, don't judge a book by its cover.
That's not what I'm doing, and I'd love to see him prove you wrong,
and whether or not we stay together for the long haul, I think he's a great person,
and would love for you to get to know him better.
Right, so would you both say that would you recommend that I
wait to have that conversation with her, and then kind of feel out how any future meetings
between them might go, because I don't want to completely bar him from any part of my family
life, just because she's going to get pissy, but I also don't want to.
I think you're going to be surprised by her reaction to this, because it doesn't sound like
you've had this conversation with her before, correct? Not on this subject, but I have essentially
said very similar things to her opinions about either my school, or my career, or my
this, or my, you know, whatever. So just different topics.
Okay, you know, we'll use this topic, and try and do like just change the approach,
even just slightly different, so that it's memorable for both of you in a positive way,
because I think you don't seem like an angry person, but get rid of any anger,
or accusation, okay? Because even calling out her judgment is really her accusing him of being
something that she has no proof to bear witness of. Like, so I think you're going to look at this,
and you're going to be proud of yourself, and it cannot be understated to every single person
who's listening today when you act and courage, and you stand up to something that bothers you.
In a loving way, it's like you evolve to the next level of being a human being,
because you won't ever have to struggle with that kind of thing again. So it's worth every minute
that you spend thinking about it, and executing it in the, like, in your highest vibe,
and really getting the message across to your mother in a loving way, and I guarantee you will be,
you will be very surprised by the response, because I don't think you're going to have to worry
about when to schedule. After even if she gets mad initially, she's going to come down and think
about what happened, and she's going to know that she wants to see you, that's going to be,
you know, a double thing, and she's going to want to prove to you that she's not judgmental,
and that her intuition is right. And in that effort, she will be wanting to spend time with you.
And that's not to say that her intuition is right, but that will be her motivation. Do you know what I
mean? Because you came at her at a different level, and then that requires a different response.
You can't mingle the same way when you're doing it differently. Yeah, and, you know,
you've learned this lesson, not to judge a book by its cover. You really like this guy. He
seems really great, but she hasn't learned that lesson yet. So coming at her with this sort of,
like, like, you don't have to say this to her, but in your mind, be like, ah, like she has,
she's not quite there yet. You know, encouraging her, like, maybe just have an open mind.
I really like him, and maybe you'll, you'll have a different opinion down the road. And then,
like, leaving it at that, I think whether to, like, talk to her about it, or should her
a text is dependent on, like, how sort of activated you think that you will be. Do you feel like
you can have this conversation with her in person and not get upset with her, or do you think maybe
should her text? At some point, I feel like I can, as long as things haven't been, like,
getting inflammatory earlier, you know, hang out or conversation, but she isn't town actually
for the next couple of days. So I've just been kind of keeping things neutral, keeping her on a
little bit of an information diet, just calling like normal and just shooting the breeze, not really
bringing it up, just trying to not upset myself with it. So I feel like if the opportunity presents
itself and makes sense, then I might go for it. And if not, then I might just wait a little bit
longer and maybe add something like that into a text the next time that I'm going to be in her
orbit. And also, you know, the more that you do bring him around, the less of sort of a shock
his appearance will be like, when you get to know someone, their appearance in a weird way sort
of fades away, you don't notice these sort of really specific things about them that you might
have noticed so much in the beginning. So, you know, I would definitely encourage you to like,
keep bringing him around. Awesome. We'll do. And also, you text as a picture of him too,
or like the two of you together. Yeah, absolutely. It's going to be from a Rocky Horror picture show.
So we're going to look all sorts of interesting. Love it. Perfect. Good luck with everything. Thank you so
much, age. Thank you so much, both of you. You love your show so much. Thank you. Good luck with
the babies. Thank you. Have a great day, too. Bye. Bye. My mom, by the way, who was about to be in
town every time she comes, she's like, do you have any tattoos? No, mom, I still don't have any
tattoos. That's like her greatest fear. Oh, it is. That's funny. All my nieces have tattoos.
They do have tattoos? I don't have any, but they do. Well, you can still be buried in Jewish
cemetery then. Yeah, right. Well, yes, I hope they put me on fire, though. Set me on fire and
toss me into the ocean. I hope they toss me into the mouth of an anaconda. That sounds wonderful,
actually. Well, our next color is Christina. Dear Chelsea, I'm 33 and my boyfriend is 46. We both
currently live in California. We dated for six months. Then he abruptly ended things. I was completely
caught off guard and heartbroken, of course. However, two weeks later, my dad and my grandmother
died on the same day coincidentally, and my uncle died on my birthday a few months later. So,
needless to say, I wasn't that concerned with the breakup. Six months went by and we ended up
reconnecting and have since been together almost a year now. His father died a few months ago and
he's dealt with mental health issues on and off and is currently on antidepressants. We truly
love each other and spending time together. However, I'm at a place where I want to know what he
wants for the future. Anytime I bring that up, he gets uncomfortable and frustrated and he says
he has to figure himself out first. My question is, am I wasting my time with him? Should I stick it out
and wait for him to figure out what he wants, marriage, family, or bachelor life, etc. And also,
is he too old for me? Thanks, Christina. Hi, Christina. Hello. Hi Chelsea. I would say that it sounds like
you should probably move on. Yeah, I don't think that neither of these things are issues
singularly, but I think collectively they become some issue. I don't care about the age difference,
but somebody at that age who's still not ready to figure out what his life goals are, it doesn't
make sense. That's too old. You should at least have your feet underneath you enough to say,
yeah, your name, because that can just be him stringing you along until you give him an ultimatum.
Maybe that's what it is. Either way, or if it's genuinely he doesn't know, either way not hot,
those aren't hot qualities and they're not promising and they're not good for you. And then on
the other side of it, like the breakup that you had, and then you getting over it, obviously you
had other things to go, but that's proof that you got past him once. I have no problem imagining
you getting over him again. Yeah. So that's a positive thing to think about. You don't need three
people to die for that to happen either. Like you can get over him. You know, it's possible.
And I just don't think, especially when you've broken up with someone and you got back together,
that there's any room, if one of you wants to be in this for the long haul, there's no room for,
like, I don't know, you were just in a relationship, you broke up because it didn't work out and now
you're back together and you're not going through that cycle of things again. Either you're back
together to stay together or you're back together and it's whoopsy, doodle. It's time to break up
again. Yeah, I agree. The year mark feels like, I mean, first of all, as Charles, he said, his age,
like it does sort of feel like I have 46. You should kind of know what you want from life.
Enough to know if you want to be with someone that you that you've been intimate and in a long term
relationship with. Absolutely. And make a future together. What's the wishy-washy? That's so
unattractive. Yeah, it's not like you guys have been together three months and he's not sure if he
wants like a marriage and kids with you. You've been together on and off for a year and a half.
Yeah, and I joke because the only reason that we really got back together this last time,
I blame it on my dog because my dog had an emergency one night and he was like the first person
that I called and so he was there right away. But if it really weren't for that, it's kind of like
I've put in the effort and you initiated the get back together then. Like, that was you.
So that's another reason that you should probably move on. This doesn't sound like a
him and you relationship of 50-50. It sounds like you making the moves and him like okay or maybe not.
I hate to say it but I'm 33 and so I kind of want some answers and you know it would just make me
feel better to know what's going to happen in a way even though that might not even work out.
Yeah, I mean you can present it in a very direct up front way. That's like doesn't give a lot of
room for figuring it out like hey buddy, I'm kind of getting the sense that you're not down for
what I'm down for. That's totally fine. There's no requirement for you to be with me or for me
to be with you. But if you're not ready for that and you can't commit to like a future together,
then I'm more interested in finding somebody who will and you know no hard feelings at all.
Chelsea, you've given this type of advice before but that conversation like
may include a breakup maybe not right at that moment in that conversation but
shortly thereafter and you know sometimes when you do cap that with a breakup of like okay then I
do need to move on like two weeks later they're right back like knock on your drawer like no I
figured it out I do want marriage and family and kids. Yeah that is true and I kind of have given
him a little bit more grease because like I put in the letter you know his dad passed away and so
he's behind a presence and that can have obviously a big effect on everyone's dad passed us away.
It's not an excuse it's something to be sensitive about but it's not the end of the world everybody
is dealing with that at some point in their life. Yeah that's true. How important I mean obviously
you wouldn't be writing and if it wasn't but what's your trajectory as far as I feel like I want
to be getting married and having kids like sooner rather than later is it a deal breaker level
for you where are you at on that. You know I'm not in a super rushed I want it to be the right
situation otherwise I don't want to do it at all but I want to be with someone that at least
kind of wants the same things and the future so he doesn't really think that he knows and so I'm
just like how long is it going to take for him to figure that out you know and then I'm getting
older and so I just you know would like to have some sort of certainty in a way I think. Yeah you
sound very confident when you're talking to us about this and I would encourage you to take that
into your conversation with him like leave the coy stuff behind like Chelsea said be super direct
and be like here's where I'm at this is what I'm looking for in my five year plan whatever you
know quote unquote but this is what I'm looking for in the near future is that something you want as
well and I know is okay yeah and the reason I brought up the age things because sometimes when I
do come at him direct it's almost like he can kind of talk back to me in a way where he acts like
he is older than me and that was more than me what he does but I'm feeling like that's becoming more
of an issue when you're not 23 yeah you're 33 yeah and another thing is to remember is you know when
you are breaking up with someone like to not think about what you're losing but to think about
the adventures that you're about to embark on like there's so much coming up for you when you say
goodbye to a situation it doesn't matter if it's the right decision or the wrong decision you're
like up for new stuff all the time happening you need to focus on that when you're breaking up
instead of women who focus on I'm going to be alone I'm going to be alone I'm going to miss
them I'm going to miss them you're going to be with yourself and you're going to have a good time
and you're going to go out with your friends and family and whatever makes you happy and if you
want to stay in bed for three days you're also going to be able to do that but it's not the end
of the world for any of us as we're learning relationships are an opportunity to do with the right
way when you're leaving someone do it with style and grace and no anger and be like all right
party on you know and if you guys end up back together great and if you don't even better yeah that
is true and it's sometimes hard to make that decision I mean like I was thinking about it is it
harder to break up with someone or to be broken up with the age old question I don't know I think
I prefer to be broken up with yes but until I don't until I'm broken up with and then I won't
like it at all what are you going to have this conversation with him you think well I did tell him
that I was going to be talking to to you guys and so he was joking and he said well great he's
like none I'm gonna have to say she talked to Chelsea handler and now she broke up with me because
yeah that is already a thing I think it's out there man I can't go anywhere alone with men I need
security at all times man hate me so much well tell him we actually said shit or get off the pot
just say Chelsea said this doesn't have to be an angry or a combat of conversation she just
thinks we should both be as completely honest as possible and if his honesty is that he really
doesn't know then you have to find somebody who does know yeah and I mean that tough part about it is
that's like it's logic versus emotion in a way so it's hard to differentiate the two of those
you know logically this makes sense but then emotionally it's like we do love each other so
to make that decision is tough because he hasn't really done anything wrong necessarily that I know
but yeah well give us an update as soon as you have a conversation with him and then also like when
you kind of figure out what's next for you or if he decides to man up and wants the same futures you do
and emotions like you're talking about practicality like or practical things and emotions like emotions
aren't thoughts they are feelings you know it's what you do with that feeling that becomes the
thought of your emotion so while you could be missing somebody and grieving them you can still be
excited about the possibilities beyond that relationship yeah that is true but yes I'll keep you guys
posted and thank you so much my mom got tickets to your show in October and DC so fine okay cool
I'll see her then thanks so much Christina thank you guys so much hi I got she's adorable she's so sweet
well Chelsea we have our calling in backup segment today and want to say thanks to our
partners at better health response yes thank you better health and today we're joined by Courtney
hope they're a licensed marriage and family therapist and principal clinical operations manager at
better health hi Courtney hello there well our first question comes from and dear Chelsea within
the past six months I've had a resurgence of self-care and a new outlook on health and fitness
I've been exercising and eating healthy and for the first time ever I'm seeing health and fitness
as an act of self-love and nourishment rather than trying to change my body or punish myself my
best friend is at a really low point in her life she previously struggled with just sort of eating
and exercising and all around is just not in a place in her life where she's ready to get back
into it which I fully respect here's the thing we have a previous history of using each other as
excuses to go out and get hammered and not take care of ourselves and I'm out growing that need
my struggle is that I'm very determined and enthusiastic about my newfound love for changing
my lifestyle and whenever I mention wanting to make it to a workout class or not drink so much
when we go out she acts like it's a joke or doesn't take it seriously I've tried to get her to
join my workout classes with me but she's not at a place where she can afford a gym membership
either whenever she suggests going somewhere to eat I want to bring up that yes I'd love to
but I'm trying to eat healthier and would rather just eat the food I have at home but I worry
about triggering her ED or making her feel bad about herself when it's really not about her at
all how can I make it clear that this isn't just a phase this is just something I'm really trying
to accomplish and I'm loving how can I get her to take me seriously and see that this is self-love
without triggering her and making her feel bad for where she's at in life is it possible am I in
the wrong thanks so much for all you do Anne this is such a layered question and the thing that
came to mind was the concept of seasonality and friendships and how sometimes there are seasons
where we're in step and we're doing all the same things we're going to same places we're listening
to the same music we have the same hobbies and then there are seasons where we begin to kind of
diversify our interests or it changes our circumstance changes maybe we move away maybe we get
a different job all these kinds of things so what I'm hearing is that she's entering into a slightly
different season potentially than her friend and I just want to first of all reassure the listener
above all this type of experiences totally common and super normal for friendships yeah and I also
think there's a way to sort of get the train on your tracks so you know if you don't want to go out
and you do want to eat the food you have at home invite her over you know invite her over for
whatever healthy thing you want to make and whatever healthy drink you want to drink if you're
drinking but there's also ways to find a restaurant that has really healthy options and also just
try not to shove it down her throat so much like you're making it seems like you're making a lot of
proclamations about what you're doing it sometimes it's more impactful to make the changes without
advertising them I think that's a very good point right like let your actions speak for yourself
because I did hear you know the the question was what do I do so that she doesn't you know
feel bad or she might question and it's like well if you're just doing it right no ifstands or
butts about it it's really hard for people to make comments about it or you know be upset that
you're doing it's like you're just out there doing it Chelsea what do you think about you know
she mentions that the friend acts like it's a joke or sort of blows it off that to me feels like
a little bit of an insecurity thing well it just feels like that another reason to stop making
proclamations she's not taking you seriously you can't make someone take you seriously by repeating
what they're not taking you seriously about so keep it to yourself I know you want it to be a
long term thing it's like when you announce that you're quitting smoking and then you don't quit
you know it's like the dynamic if you don't stick to this of course you want to stick to this you
want to make lifestyle changes but give it a year and when those changes are permanent then you
can start espousing your you know what happened and everything but it's easy to not take someone
seriously when they're into something new so I wouldn't even put that on her friend so much I
would just like unless it's mean or whatever she's not in that situation so of course she doesn't
want you drinking less and and dieting that's not fun for her so I wouldn't put too much weight on
it I would just say do your thing and if she could come along with you for some of that great and
you know if you take some time apart during this time that's also fun right this a total
typical part of adult relationships and even just if you want to be compassionate towards your friend
and not even bring some of these things into the mix just plant things like events that are not
food related so going to a museum go to the movies go roller skating or go to on a picnic but like
bring your own food and instead of like oh we'll go out and we'll find a place like focusing on
things that will allow you to have parallel play enjoy the activity you're doing without making it
about going out drinking alcohol indulging in whatever foods like that will allow you to
kindle that friendship and keep it intimate because that's the other thing I hear is there is
an aspect of worrying of losing this friendship or them becoming more distant because they used to
go out and use each other she says we use each other for excuses to like make unhealthy habits and
go out drinking so if you just transition your friendship to we find meaning doing these other
things now that allows it to be more of an useful transition yeah and I like that suggestion because
it's not like hey why don't we go for a hike it's like let's go to a museum which is like
still active but it's not like hey we're gonna go for a run or we're gonna go to a spin class or
whatever I feel like usually the advice is to sort of be really honest and open and confront the
person but in this case that's not necessary and in fact like taking in a notch back I would say
the only caveat to potentially having a conversation with your friend is you know she does mention
triggering her friend's disordered eating and so if that is a true concern and she wants to make
sure she doesn't put her friend in an awkward position in the moment she could ahead of time just
say something casual like hey you know before they're together text her give her a call say like hey
is now a time for me to talk to you about something important great so I just want to let you know
that I am making some changes in my life and I just want to make sure that these changes
because I know we bonded in the past over going out drinking and you know maybe making some choices
that we were like oh that wasn't the healthiest choice for us I'm just gonna be making different
choices and I just want to give you a heads up because I wouldn't want that to impact our friendship
and I want to make sure we're finding fun things to do moving forward that would be my caveat if
she genuinely is concerned about triggering her friend but otherwise I think it's totally fine
to just live your life exactly what Chelsea was saying like live your life go out
be about it don't talk about it and then if conflict arises down the road or her friends like
how come you're not going out with me anymore or how come you know you keep turning me down then
think you could have a conversation about it because then that's really about the connection
of the friendship versus the actual food or drinks that they're consuming yeah for sure and thank
you for writing in and of course thank you to our calling and backup sponsor BetterHelp and
to Courtney Cope who is a licensed marriage and family therapist and principal clinical operations
manager at BetterHelp thank you thanks Courtney bye bye bye let's take a quick break and we'll be
back with some matchmaking can you please not sing matchmaking can you please not we'll be right back
I'm Penelope Spheras I'm a film director I want to tell you a story about a friend of mine
back in the 70s Peter Ivers moved to LA to start his music career he scored Ron Howard's
directorial debut I didn't know one thing about Peter Ivers I just said okay let's meet him
and even hosted a late night cable TV show it showcased LA punk bands in all their glory the crowd
started getting bigger and bigger and then there was Beverly dams along there was John Baloozy
but then it all went to hell Peter Ivers was murdered on March 3rd 1983 and it raised a question
that 40 years later we still don't know the answer to who killed Peter Ivers
listen to Peter and the acid king on the iHeart Radio app Apple podcast or wherever you get your podcasts
this is in retrospect a podcast about pop culture from the 80s and 90s that shaped us
I'm very much a product of the pop culture I consumed yeah and I don't think that's a bad thing
I'm Jessica Bennett a New York Times writer and bestselling author I'm Susie Beta Keram an
award-winning TV producer and filmmaker every week we'll revisit a moment in cultural history
that we just can't stop thinking about from tabloid headlines to elicit student teacher
relationships and one very memorable red swimsuits I found myself in Pamela Anderson's attic as you do
I put that red swimsuit in a safe because it seemed everybody wanted it we're digging deep to
better understand with these moments taught us about the world and our place in it I want you to
really smell the axe body spray that emanated during this time it was presented more as kind of like
a crime topic okay that's not a love story it had been branded on the uterus of every single woman
from C to shining C listen to in retrospect on the iHeart Radio app Apple podcasts or wherever you
listen to your favorite chips season two of the unimaginable homes in on individuals who have
led unimaginable lives by following their instinct their gut their passion I'm truly inspired by
these episodes because they dig into the backstories of people that know success almost as a
byproduct of their unwavering dedication to their craft from guests like Tyco Y TT stick to your
to your vision of what you're trying to do it's just more pure the fan is more pure and the success is
more pure to Odessa Rae's life changing experiences that strangely conditioned and equipped her
to produce the Oscar award-winning documentary Navalny I was stuck in that Japanese prison for
42 days this season delivers behind the scenes conversations about the many roads to success
listen to the unimaginable on the iHeart Radio app Apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts
everyone in our country has a voice it's something that says not just where you come from but
who you are welcome to MPR's black stories black truths a collection of podcasts and a celebration
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and dynamic as the black experience and stories should never be about us without us
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on his new podcast six degrees with Kevin Bacon join Kevin for inspiring conversations with
celebrities who are working to make a difference in the world like musical artist
jewel and what an equal opportunist misery is it doesn't care if you're black or white or rich or
poor or famous or homeless if you are raised in misery systems it's perpetual Kevin is the founder
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share a passion for change like Mark Ruffalo you know i found myself moving up state in the middle
of this fracking fight and i'm trying to raise kids there and my neighbors like willing to poison
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we're back with matchmaking that's how we're saying it matchmaking every time you say matchmaking
two three hard boiled eggs fly out of your mouth well Chelsea we're here with our first matchmaking
both candidates so he wants to be hooked up this guy yes okay and you know we had talked about
doing an episode about this but i thought we could potentially make this a recurring segment
uh-huh so we can match make more people yeah i mean i'm over here just like dreaming of all the love
that's gonna happen and like hoping for dear Chelsea babies and all of these things so i'm i'm
way down in the future i'm picking out curtains for everybody also that might be tough with all the
game and you're gonna connect so yeah by the way in speaking of matchmaking there's a bunch of
child-free and crushing at shirts available on our website in addition to dear Chelsea merch
we designed a child-free and crushing at shirt which has been our biggest tour seller so i'm sure
some of the callers would like that that's amazing yeah i love that Chelsea handler dot com
well our first person to match is Patrick and i thought how we'd go about this is we are going to
at the end of this give people his Instagram so people in slide right into his DMs if Patrick
sounds like someone you might be interested in Patrick by the way when i first chatted with him
he was at his ex's house walking his ex's jog and he said i know you just had an episode saying
don't do that anymore as it depends on the situation but it seems like it was it was a positive so okay
he says i recently wrote in an email to say every time i felt like i needed to write in
i listened to your podcast and found my answer to highly specific situations
from wanting to fire an assistant to ending a friendship over chewing should i buy a car or if i
should buy land or make a career move your podcast has steered me in the best direction
nowadays everything in my life is going pretty fucking swimmingly i'm a successful visual artist
not the starving kind an uncle a great friend fucking funny and i'm a sweet ass dog dad
but the right guy just hasn't come along i've got my shit together therapy wise and i'm definitely
of the same mindset as you when you say when you're healthy you'll attract healthy i'm on the
apps i've gone on dates and it's been a healthy amount of time since i've had a relationship
but i think the universe was waiting for our paths to align so the Chelsea can just say oh fuck let's
set this bitch up with someone perfect problem solved ps i'm 34 gay af and first nation which is
native american to you exo patrick and patrick is going to be joining us hi how are you hi i'm so
good i'm just gonna put this on to not disturb good luck getting it off of that so what kind of guy
are you looking for patrick what what interests you are you open do you have very specific expectations
tell us um i'm quite broad and tall so i think someone like a little bit more broad and tall like
myself i am half native american and i can't grow up beard so someone that has a beard you know
chest hair too would be sick are you a top or a bottom does that matter i'm like a little bit
both oh you're first you're first yeah i wanted to use that in a sentence for a while you're welcome
thank you patrick i know i've told Chelsea that you were walking your exo's dog when we met
yeah what's your relationship history how many relationships have you had and how for how long
well i'm 34 i am gonna be 35 this year and i've had maybe like five relationships since i was like
20 you know one for like a couple years one for a year one for like six months and then like one
night stands and fun in between yeah yeah sure and have you ever had a really really bad breakup
yeah it was yeah i think like the first ones when you're really young you kind of don't really
know how to react and especially being a gay person that came out at 20 like straight people always
have years ahead of us in terms of like being able to date people for like since they were you know
kind of kids so i just didn't have the right kind of foundation to deal with it but that was like
12 years ago i'm good now yeah that's good and have you been to therapy are you do you go to therapy
are you into any of that yeah totally the last one i was like okay so i have a pattern of just
breaking up with dudes and just kind of ghosting or it's kind of like a mutual ghosting and i was like
you know what these are all great people like i kind of i don't want to kind of continue this pattern
so i went to therapy and my ex and i are friends like in a in a positive way i would say so that's
why i would babysitting the dogs and my dog and his dog are dating so like you know we have to
stay in touch and are you do would you say you have a strong personality like mild personality
what how would you describe yourself i would say i've been told i'm quite even keel i used to go out a
lot i kind of like i live in Toronto canada but i i'm building a house up north like seven hours
away kind of on the lake so i do like coming back to the city for you know some excitement but then
it's fucking nice to leave too okay so let's say three words to describe yourself what would you
say okay fun adventurous and solid amazing and because this is an audio medium just to describe him
he's got a full head of hair nice dark hair he's beefy he's sexy he's got a cute tank on that i
think he designed right Patrick i did for a pride a couple years ago yeah i would have sex with you
if you were straight so there you go i think if you have sex with you if they endorsement we're
looking for and he has a great laugh what more do you need but we should also say your location
and also you have a vacation home that sounds like which is great which is a great way to get people
in that's a great lure i'm building it it's it's coming along um i yeah i'm an artist and graphic
designer and i have had my own business the last eight nine years and it's kind of mind blowing
to myself even that i'm like able to build a house but that's so cool here we go yeah and you are
Toronto ish yeah Toronto is it's where my clothes are but i like i said i'm kind of up north a lot
just to get out of the city especially in the summer it's fucking hot as shit here
i didn't have time to go get my AC before i got back here so i'm like a little bit
damp at the moment but uh thank you for not saying it's moist i truly appreciate it but now i've
said so yeah it's a gross word well i have three little dating game questions oh yeah okay who
look and came prepared that brought us twisted maybe we add some little game show music under this
baby if we want to get wild okay so our first question is our weakened plans have just gotten
rained out what are we doing instead we are watching movies and cooking fucking fucking i'm sorry
i had to answer that because that's my answer we're fucking past the first and then then the
fucking yeah we need some energy yeah that's fun fucking in the rain yeah past the first scratch
it's so much better yes all right if you found a fifty dollar bill on the ground in a busy area
would you keep it or try to find the owner i wouldn't try hard to find the owner but if there is a
that's exactly what i would say i'd look around and then i'd be like oh yeah exactly give it
to someone else or not think about it often yes well he's honest fellows that's what you get from
that is an American an American 50 or Canadian a water main broke and you got to leave work three
hours early which sort of doesn't apply since you work for yourself but imagine what do you do with
your newly free time we're taking the dogs dog i only have one we're taking the dog to the lake
and hopefully there's a beach involved and we're going to bring snacks and some vaga sodas
and don't forget your adibos i'll bring some just in case someone needs them i should be an
adult camp counselor i should be i can yeah it has to be legal adult activities so it has to be
with adults maybe remedial adults is what i where i get it's i possible i can see it yeah yeah i like it
awesome well patrick if you want to just read out your instagram handle sure patrick hunter underscore
art is is the insta where you can find me and keep pictures of my dog and all the artwork mostly
pictures of my dog but there is some artwork on there great and i will put that in the show notes
as well so fellows can just click and check out and slide into the games all right i can't wait
i'm okay i can't wait either i know this is going to be exciting all right i'll let you know how it goes
okay bye patrick thank you patrick over now we're going to take a quick break and we'll be right back
well we had some new and interesting things today Chelsea remind me what they were
we had some matchmaking oh yes we had a couple of call making this is where it's things are
going to hit the fan i think things in a good way i think there is going to be a lot of matchmaking
happening on this podcast and now we're using and especially to the people that we want to be happy
so exactly we have so many amazing people writing in and i'm really excited to feature some more
matchmaking you know what would be a great match would be a straight woman comes on here and a straight
man and they end up being soulmates he's listening to dear Chelsea and he comes and meets this woman
talk about a self-actualite that would be like the most together guy that i know that is true or
the most with it and honestly if he's single and he's listening to this podcast he has the pick
of the litter because there's so many straight women who listen to this podcast thanks so much this
has been so much fun okay we'll see you guys next week my okay guys we have added more shows to my
little big bitch tour i added another second show in Toronto so i have two shows in Toronto now the
December 7th December 8th December 9th i'm in Ottawa and two new shows at December 15th on a Friday
we're doing a 7 30 and 10 p.m. show with Kevin Hart and friends that's in Thackerville, Oklahoma
and all my other shows you can buy tickets for at chelseahandler.com i'm starting my tour back up
on September 29th in New York City at the beacon which is sold out but the next night there are tickets
available September 30th at the beacon so for all fall dates you can go to chelseahandler.com
for tickets you'll see me. Courtney Copes' input is general psychological information based on
research and clinical experience it's intended to be general and informational in nature it does
not represent or indicate an established clinical or professional relationship with those inquiring
for guidance. Courtney's feedback is in response to a written question and therefore there are
likely unknown considerations given the limited context also just because you might hear something
on the show that sounds similar to what you're experiencing beware of self-diagnosis. Diagnosis is
not required to find relief and you'll want to find a qualified professional to assess and explore
diagnoses if that's important to you. If you or your partner are in crisis and uncertain of
whether you can maintain safety reach out for support like crisis hotlines and local authorities
have a safety plan that can be done with a therapist too. If you'd like advice from chelsea
shoot us an email at deerchelseapodcast at gmail.com and be sure to include your phone number.
deerchelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Catherine Law
and be sure to check out our merch at chelseahandler.com