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Hi Catherine. Hi Chelsea. How are you?
Well, I mean, I'm pretty good. I'm in New York City, as you know.
And I, well, I had a fun weekend. I went to Syracuse in New York to film this movie. I did a
cameo in this movie where I played the mother to an Asian boy. So I guess that's from my relationship
with Joe Koi. Maybe I don't know, but it was a surprise when I met him, which, you know, was going on.
And then I came down to the city because I have shows this weekend. And there is a fire in Canada,
and they are telling people in New York City not to go outside until limit your time outside,
because the air quality is so bad. It is so ominous looking in the city. It is what I imagined it
must have looked like after 9-11. There is this like smoke and haze that is just covering the city.
It is brown. Like it is a light that I have never seen. And it is very apocalyptic.
Do you feel it like in your lungs when you're outside?
Well, I'm not outside because you can't really, I'm just getting driven back and forth from one
thing to the next. So yeah, it's really, really scary. And this is what our future is going to be like.
A bunch of fires and smoke and not being able to go outside for days at a time.
Yeah. And on that note, what's going on with you, Katherine?
Well, I am currently recording from a car because my power went out. So here we are. We're just,
you know, the show must go on. I feel like the world is ending right now and may end during this
recording. That's absolutely true. Luckily my mom came to visit this last week and we had a lovely
time. We just did super girly stuff like shopping. We got our nails done. We got our hair done.
Picked out some makeup. It was adorable. It was just so nice.
Yeah, that's cute. I'm glad. Yeah. So what's your weekend?
Well, I'm going to go see a play tomorrow night that I'm excited about. Oh, no, it's not a
play. It's a girl's stand-up show. My friend Natasha Leon is directing this show.
Oh, fine. So she texted me and she was like, we need people to come. And I was like, oh, okay.
So I'm rallying the troops. And I'm going to go see that tomorrow. I love watching other
stand-ups when I don't know them. Amazing. You know what I mean? I love watching new stand-up.
It's like so, it's my because all those people that we've had on, like, Otsuko, Mateo,
it's so nice to be around them and spend time with them. Like I have this whole group of like
young comics in my life that I just love being around because it just is so original.
You're around newness, you know what I mean? I love newness. I like anything new, but it's been so
nice to be like, one of them was like, you've been such a supporter of us. I'm like, you don't know
how much you guys are giving me. You're giving me my kind of umph and stand-up too, like being around
people who are fresh and excited about it and new about it and doing something different and
have a different vibe. Yeah, Vanessa, my number one, my number one stunner who opens for me
on all my tour dates. And if you've seen me on Little Big Bitch tour or actually vaccinated in
Hornie, she was with me too because now we're inseparable because I've declared her to be my
daughter and I'm her mother. She's my Iha. I gave birth to her when I was 12. And yeah, that's
what I've got going on, girl. Oh, we added some more stand-up dates too. We added Portland,
Boston, added second shows in Portland, Boston, Los Angeles and some other cities. But anyway,
there's lots of second shows and I won't I'm going to try because of scheduling because I have
something after this tour. If there are tickets available in your city and you want to come to
the show by them because I probably won't be adding second shows again because of scheduling.
Mm-hmm. You got some traveling to do this summer. Oh, that's right, girl. I'm getting ready.
I'm going to get my condoms ready. Chelsea, I am having a little bit of a problem at home.
You know, I've got these two puppies and they are siblings. And let's just put it this way.
Ladi and Wendell really like to hump. They like to hump. They like to be humped. There's like a
hole. There's a lot like mimsies even gotten in on the action. But what is actually like the worst
thing is that sometimes Ladi will like try to bite Wendell's penis and he gets really, really into
it. I don't know whether just to like let them be dogs or to try and break it up. I usually like
ask them to stop but it's they just wrestle in this way. That's really uncomfortable for me.
I don't know what to say about that. I don't know what if that happens with sexual assault among
dogs. How do you handle such things? I know. And I'm like, you're a little
sibling to like it. He loves it. It's actually horrifying. He'll like put his little paw on the back
of her head and like go crazy. It's while she's giving him a blow job. And then sometimes like mimsie
will get behind Ladi. This sounds like I'm making it up. But it's really like there's so much
simulated sex going on in my household. And I'm really uncomfortable with that. Oh, I don't want
to see my dogs have sex either. Bernice is with us today though, right? And you're not
Bernice. Are you a sexy object? She is. Only to me because I can. She's such a ball of fluff.
She was so excited to come for a ride today. She is incredible. And she's just like a peach.
She's just sitting down there being adorable. I know. And then my little and then my
house man, Fight Felix, who is diminutive. So he is little. He just texted me and said,
where's Bernice? Do you have her? That's that's what's going on in my house. She's just a
scale. Where are you? Are you okay? Do you know where you are? You stole your own dog today.
No, she is incredible. I wouldn't react well if somebody was going down on her or she was going
down on someone else. I wouldn't like that at all. Especially if it were brother sister action.
No, but the dogs aren't really related. Just the other two are. Just a little too. But mimsie,
she has never humped another dog in her whole seven years. But she like loves to hump
lotty. And it's just a lot. It's just a lot. Yeah, it sounds like it. While speaking of sex,
simulated or otherwise, our guest today is pretty exciting. She's the host of the award-winning
number one sexuality podcast, which is called Sex with Emily. It's been on the air for nearly
two decades. And you can pre-order her book, which is called Smart Sex. How to boost your sex
IQ and own your own pleasure. That comes out June 13th. And she brought a lot of toys for both
of us, Catherine. So we can just all go after we after this, we usually thrup a lot. Because that's
her husband over there. And I have intercourse with both of them. We're all men and nights. So
that's what we practice. Okay, so Emily, hi. Nice to see you. I'm so happy to see you. You're all
about sex. And how to have healthy sex, whether you have a partner or whether you do. Exactly. Talk
to us about what you discuss in your new book. Okay. My new book called Smart Sex. How to boost
your sex IQ and own your pleasure. Okay. So for 20 years, I've been talking to people about sex
and dating and love. And I started this because I was having, I was faking orgasms until I was like
in my mid 30s. I think we've all been faking orgasms. I mean, as a young person, I faked orgasms
all the time because I did have, it's too hard to explain to somebody what to do when you don't
know them that well. Exactly. And if you're having a casual sex with someone, it's just like,
now as a woman, I know what to say. That's good. As a younger person, I wasn't even, I was in my
mid 30s, Oh, Chelsea. I was like, I was having a lot. And I just thought that it was, I thought
it was just me. I didn't realize it was like almost 20 years ago. And I realized that nobody was
talking about sex. And so I started podcasts and started interviewing people out their sex life
relationship went back to school, got my doctorate, but then I realized now after all these years,
it was a lot of the same questions every single day from people saying, how do I have an orgasm?
What's on my penis? People want a quick fix when it comes to sex. They're like, can I, can I buy
a vibrator? That's going to help me. Can I use lube? That might help you. But what this book is
really about is that sex as wellness. Sex has always been like the bastard child of the,
of the health and wellness industry. They're like, oh, sex should just be selling that's
magically works for you. But I created these five pillars of sexual health, the wellness for example,
one is embodiment, like, am I in my body during sex? My health impacts it as well. Like, if I'm
about a certain medication, I'm going to be a drive. I'm certain time of life. So the book kind of
walks you through all these pillars. So it's embodiment in bodies being like in this moment,
I'm feeling like it's all the meditation stuff too. Because most of the questions I get asked to
be were like, I'm distracted during sex. I can't really feel. I'm numb. I'm fantasizing about
someone else, which all that happens and it sounds a terrible thing. But when we really want to be
connected and have great sex, like, my question is like, what does just great sex mean? And so I
realized that the pillars are like being in your body, even if it's just for a minute saying, okay,
like, I'm looking at my part or I'm looking in their eyes, we're breathing together, my hands are
on their body. Like, usually we are just kind of somewhere else. So one of the pillars is like,
can I be present even for a minute? And I know you meditate. I meditate as well. Sometimes I just
kind of think, if I'm distracted and fantasizing about something else, I just kind of take my five
senses and I'll say, what am I smelling right now? What am I hearing right now? What am I feeling
my hands on their body? And it immediately grounds me in the moment. So it has some of those practices.
One of the top questions is, why can't I have an orgasm during sex? It could be medication
you're taking. It could be trauma. And he'll trauma. So this kind of helps people realize they're like,
oh, if I had trauma 20 years ago or something happened to me, that might be impacting my ability
to orgasm or I might be on the birth control pill. I might be out of 90 to present. And the weird
thing is Chelsea, people don't make those connections because sex is sort of siloed into this area.
We're like, well, it was amazing at the beginning. Why can't it always be wonderful? And so I kind of
help people figure out like, no, it could be your birth control. It could be your blood pressure
medication. So that's the second one. The third one is self knowledge. Like, how well do I know myself?
Like, I know that if I walk into my partner or any partner, I walk into the house and it's like
freezing cold. If it's messy. If I still have shit on my mind, I'm not going to be aroused and
turn on and ready for sex. Like, I kind of run through my pillars and diagnose myself sometimes.
I'm like, why don't I turn on and ready to go? Because I think, do you feel like you're not in the
mood for sex and you don't know why? Yes, all the time. So this is going to help me. I mean,
we have a relationship especially that happens. I think more frequently than it does when you're
in sync. Exactly. Like after a year, right? They're not up against having to have sex. Right.
And most people, I think after a while, they don't want to do in a relationship. And we think
that we should just be turned out like a drop of hat. Like, like, then then we're not. So I think
about like, if it's, yeah, like things are a mess. It's freezing in my house. I don't feel great
in my body. I have an exercise. So that's one thing that other ones accept acceptance. That's
like confidence. Like, how do I feel? Like, when you walk around all day, and I'm sure I know
you hear this from people, if we hate our bodies, like we're like, oh, I don't feel great. I don't
want to be naked in front of anybody. Why do we think we're going to be able to like, strip down,
get naked and be ready to go. If all day long, I am like, not feeling good about it. So I've like
mantras and things he will can do to feel a little more confident. I just realized that's one area
that I got to work on. And fifth one is collaboration. And that's the, that's the big one. Like most
people Chelsea do not talk about sex to their partners at all. And they expect them to be mind
readers. And I have a lot of tools, how to awkward conversations about sex. Because again,
people just expect like it's just going to be great. And I teach people how to have like,
give feedback. Like you've been with someone and you're like, it's just really, I wish that they
would go down to me more. For example, I wish they would kiss me slowly. Why they, why they
pounding away me like a jackhammer again. How do I tell them to stop? And so I have tips for like
talking about your fantasies and making it hot. Yeah, because I think what most people come up
against, I think is the the pressure of when you're in a long, real, it term relationship.
And the honeymoon period has worn off. And you expect sex to remain or be the same as it was in
the beginning. It's very unlikely that that stays the same, although there are exceptions to
everything. I guess the dialogue is the real, the real crucial component because people aren't
easily able to express what they want from a partner. That's the fear. Mostly of hurting
that person's feelings. Exactly. It's all fear based. We are so afraid that we are going to be
unlovable that a partner is going to reject us that most people are mute. And they silently walk
through sex because we always go back to the honeymoon phase, which is a biological condition.
It lasts six months to two years in every relationship. That will be the hottest sex. Like I'm sorry
to say, you're never going to go back to that stage where you can't wait to rip each other's
clothes off. But most of us are so attached to that phase that we're like, well, I got to get back
to that. And I want people to know like, you're not. It's never going to be as great as it was.
However, we can kind of hack that. Essentially, it's getting people to think about like,
what can I do? If I know I got to work on my arousal, I got to figure out how to tell my partner
that this is what I need to be turned on. And it might be a toy. It might be Lou. It might be
getting them to like stop talking or whatever it is. And so just kind of like hack your own arousal
because we know sex is important. I had an interesting situation with somebody once where they were
very aggressive with me, not in a sexy way, like in a slobbery way. And this was somebody I
dated for a little bit, you know, and we had a lot of great chemistry and we had great sex.
But there were times where this person would just over kiss me, like, you know, too much. Yeah.
And I couldn't figure out the right language of how to address it because it was like,
it was just sloppy to me. Like, it wasn't romantic. It wasn't sexy. I felt like I was being
aggressive, like a face rape. Like at a tap. And when I said to the person was, it was him.
What I said to him was, hey, give me space to come to you. Like, let me come to you. Like,
I want to be initiate. I want to initiate when you're kissing me like that, I can't kiss you
back because I'm just receiving. I mean, it went over. I was more, I mean, it went over
five. He got it. Well, no, because he got it in the moment, but he didn't get it long term.
See, this is the, yeah. Okay. So this is like the long term solutions in here that you can
continue to, my always things like talk about outside the bedroom and not in the moment because
he was right, right, right, right. Since I don't know about you, I grew up with shame around sex.
I had no sex education. And I felt like if I had to bring up sex to my partner,
they brought something to me. A lot of us, at least I go in a fight or fight. I'm like,
what I do wrong. I'm a terrible lover. You hate my vagina. You hate my, and so just
realize you're like, it's okay. We're not used to people talking about sex and kind of
giving people tools to talk about like outside the bedroom. We're not still got sex in the bedroom.
Okay. That's good to know. Yeah. Well, that's too vulnerable. Because the bedroom is like,
it's too vulnerable. I'm like, save it for sleeping in for sex if you can. Well, it's also like when
you're fighting, it's better to talk about a fight sometimes after it's happened, not while you're
in it. And like, you just let that diffuse. And then after when you're both a little bit calmer,
you can say, listen, this wasn't okay or blah, blah, blah. But yeah, sex is tricky because
tricky. Yeah. People have a lot of issues around it and body and our bodies and feeling confident.
There's a lot of insecurity. Yeah, exactly. There's the insecure. It also, since nobody is really
talking, but if you think about, we talk about like, yes, I had sex. I didn't have sex. But we're
not really into like what is actually, what do we actually need to be a rouse and turned on?
Clearly, there's an erection there. And maybe they'll come in and I'm like, I'm not even,
I'm still finishing my work email. I'm not even ready to go. And then I feel like pressure
to get turned on and a rouse. And I'm not. And then I realized in this book through myself,
knowledge and figuring out what I wanted. It's like, oh, I need to have downtime before I even see
you. I need to have showered. I keep bringing this up because like, well, my house is freezing now.
Like, I will not be in move for sex. If it's dirty, if I have the sheet, someone else's sheets
aren't clean. And so I've learned to kind of hack my arousal, if you will. So I know that all
these things need to happen. I'm not like to be like high maintenance, but just take the pressure off
myself that I'm always going to be around. Set yourself up to win. Yeah. So I'm telling my part
of that too. Yeah. Yeah. Set your partner up for winning too. I mean, you're helping both of you
when you're honest about your feelings. Yeah. You're not demanding something. You're saying this
is what I would prefer. This is what's going to help me get in the mood or be more trusted to you
or be more apt to have sex. Right. One of the things that happens in our bedroom is I for a while
was shamed by my husband for wearing socks during sex. How does that all the time with all three of us
actually, which is really an appropriate. It's true. It's true. But I just found it was like, it makes
me more comfortable. It makes me more. I don't know. Maybe it's like I'm. When you die,
you're more aware. No, when I wear socks, I had to wear socks because my toes get cold. But then
I finally read that women actually can have a higher likelihood of orgasming when they wear socks
because you're distracted by cold feet or whatever the thing is. The dirty sheets, the
I'm the opposite. I want my feet out and free because I need I don't like warmth. I see like you
said your house is cold. I would be grossed out if I walked in and the house is warm. Okay. So
this is what I'm saying is that everybody's different. But we just assume that it should just work
for us. So I had to like through this self-knowledge and I do give people in smart sex the step that
I give like a question through will they can say do I know that I need to have had a conversation
with my partner beforehand. I need to have done something fun with them. I need to have like
physical touch or I need all of these certain things to happen because otherwise it's just the
sex isn't going to happen. And also people should be better at reading the room and see if it's
an appropriate time, right? And if somebody's tired, exhausted, came home from the gym,
those aren't the moments to go in on someone and be like, oh, you have to be able to read your
partner and see when they're open to that and when you should give them a little bit of space.
Yeah, exactly. And then figuring out, figuring out when they need to taste, but also figuring out
when is the right sex time for sex to happen. So like, I know that it's not going to happen
from the 10 o'clock at night. Most nights, I'm exhausted, I'm a bad, I'm doing my thing. So my
partner comes home late, they want to have sex. So I'm like, no, that's not what I want to have sex.
So then I had to figure out, well, when do I want sex? Most partners have mismatched libidos.
Like, just to want to set that up, there is always in every relationship, there is a high desire
partner and the lower desire partner. And unfortunately, too high desire partner and too low desire
partners never come together. They still. So then you got to like, troubleshoot. So if I
had to, I don't even try because I don't want to feel bad rejecting you again. Let's figure out
when it's going to happen. So I'm like, OK, made it late afternoons is great. Early Saturday mornings
might be great, but all these other times aren't or even scheduling sex. And people think that's
the least sexy thing on the planet. Not for true type A, anal retention people. That's probably
exactly what they want. Right. No, but people, right, that's true. They could. But some people
are like, I don't want to look at my calendar, like pick up drug cleaning, pick up the kids,
fuck my partner. You don't want to see that. But then you know, though, Saturday night tonight,
I can shave, I can breathe, I can clean the house, whatever the things you need to make sure that
that night that you have sex, you can do all the, whether it's fantasized, whether it's not going
out beforehand, masturbate, all the things you got at the toys are charged. So you can be ready.
And not leave it up for chance. And you think that this seems obvious to you. Most people are,
I get hundreds of questions a week from people. And that's the point. I was like, I kind of just
have people figure out themselves because I can, you guys can't talk. Don't you want to answer every
email you get? I feel that I do. Absolutely. And I can't. And that's the same things. And I'm like,
this is going to help people, smart sex to help people go through the rubric of questions and be like,
oh, this is why I can't get a boner. This is why I'm not turned on. And so, you know, I want to put
power in the people's hands to fit crack their own codes of sexuality. Yeah. Cause like it turns me
on when I'm in a relationship and I go to the guy I initiate that's a turn on for me. So when
you're coming at me all the time, hitting on me all the time, trying to have sex with me all
time, that is a turn off. You know, I'm the type of person like when, when I'm meeting you and you
make the first move, yes. But once you're in a relationship, and that's how a lot of people feel,
like, well, I want it to be my idea. I want to go to you. Like that's sexy to me, you know,
giving them a look or putting their hand your hand on them and like, yeah, let's go. It's like,
and then, you know, usually obviously the reception is good. But I would like to be able to do more of
that, especially in my next relationship. I want that. Good. And so see, this is so good that you
know that that's a self-knowledge portion. And most people don't even know that much. They've
never even thought about it. But to be able to say your partner in a loving one of all these
like ways that people can do like their tone, right? Like timing and the tone to have these
conversations. But to be able to say, you know what, I really love being the one that initiates.
So it doesn't mean that like I don't want you to initiate, but maybe like for the next few weeks
or something like that's going to be on me. And I want you know, it's coming. But right now for
the next week, please don't initiate. Well, there's also this fallacy that if you talk about sex too
much, you're losing like, you know, the sexiness of it. And I would argue that that's exactly the
opposite of the truth. Like the more communication you have about anything, the more on the same page
that you and your partner can be. So the difficult conversations that may be challenging are
worthwhile. If you, you know, if you gather up the courage to have the conversation, you're going
to be rewarded with the results most likely. Exactly. It can be hot. And that becomes because what we
mostly crave in long-term relationships is novelty and spontaneity and something new. And when you
get over the shame, the stress in the book, I talk about the pleasure thieves, which is stress,
trauma and shame. Those are the three things that are keeping us from having sex. Once you get over
that, you're like, OK, I'm going to get rid of my hang ups around sex. Talking about sex is
actually becomes like fun. Like you're talking about like where are you going on summer vacation or
where are we going to dinner? You're like, should we try this position? Should we try this new toy?
And it is hot. It's not, it doesn't have to be like this. I can't believe we talked about it too
much. And now it's no longer hot. It's like the reverse happens. Yeah. Agreed. Agreed. Yeah.
Well, let's jump to some collars and solve some people's problems. Shall we?
OK, do we need to take a quick break? Yeah, we'll take a quick break and we'll be right back with
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Are you hungry for the inside scoop on Women's Soccer? I'm Sam Uis and I'm Lynn Williams.
And we're professional soccer players, best friends, and the host of snacks. The only women's
soccer podcast hosted by active players that gets into the most recent news, gossip, and fun
of the end of your cell, the women's national team, and the delightful, delicious, wacky world of
snacks. It's a weekly show about women's soccer, our friendship, the foods that we like, the places we
get our haircut, the random things that we come up with in our daily lives, and we get to talk to a
bunch of our friends all the time, which is like one of my favorite parts about it. That's also my
favorite part too. Each week we have guests like Kelly O'Hara, Megan Rapino, Julie Fowdy,
all giving you an inside look at the end of your cell, the road to the world cup, and women's
sports culture. So what are you waiting for? Listen to snacks on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcast,
or wherever you get your podcast. And we're back. We are back. Our first color is Sarah. She says
dear Chelsea. I'll cut right to the chase. My ex-boyfriend cheated on me and gave me
genital herpes. Bummer. I'll spare you the statistics. I know. What a jerk. I'll spare you the
statistics, but genital herpes is pretty common, and it shouldn't be a big deal. I'm hesitant writing
this, but the compassion and honesty with which you've responded to others has made me feel like
you might have something to say about the topic that would be helpful not only to me, but to anyone
else dealing with this. I was devastated for a long time, but life moved on. I got a dog,
moved to a different city, and I started pursuing a career that I'm so excited and passionate
about, and I'm surrounded by people who make me feel loved. I am happy and fulfilled in many ways,
except for one. I haven't had sex or really any type of intimacy in three years. In order to
handle the fear and shame that I was left with, I decided I just wouldn't date and to retire my
sexuality at the ripe old age of 25. In truth, my sex drive just disappeared when this happened,
and I haven't really had any interest in sex solo or otherwise. I've been in therapy for years,
and I've killed immensely. I even managed to go on a few first dates here and there, but it never
went further than that. I want a life partner, and I want to want a sex life, but I'm holding myself
back for fear of being rejected when I disclose my status to someone. How do I get past this and allow
myself to have a partner in the relationship I deserve? Sarah. Hi Sarah. Hi. Hi. Hi.
How are you? I'm good. Thank you so much for having me. You're welcome. Well, thank you for
calling in, and this is our special guest, Emily is here today. She writes about sex, and she does a
podcast about sex, and she is all about sex about acidity. So this is the perfect episode for you.
Nice to meet you. Yes, Sarah. Hi. Nice to meet you too. So first I want to say that having
herpes is really common. It's not a death sentence to your sex. One in three people have herpes
by the way, just so you know. One in three people. Yeah. And they don't really, a lot of people don't
talk about it. They don't disclose it. And in fact, Sarah, a lot of you will have it, and they don't
even know it, and they're spreading it, and it's a whole thing. But what I have found is that when
you do disclose it to partners, first off, usually they're grateful that you told them. You let them
know that you're maybe you're perhaps taking a daily suppressant. I'm not sure what kind of
medication you're on right now. And really the chance of transmitting if you're taking a daily
suppressant is very, very slim. So I actually look and hopefully people are getting this knowledge
that it's actually I'd rather be with somebody who's on top of their sexual health. They're like,
this is what I got. I've had chlamydia once. I got to say, you're like, great. You actually are
somebody who prioritizes your health. And the partner who you actually would want to be with
is going to say, Oh, here's somebody who also cares about her health. And who knows how to
communicate. And I think you're going to be surprised how many partners you're going to find that
they're going to be great. No problem. And I'm telling you this from experience too, because
I hear this from many of my listeners all the time that once they actually were real about it with
somebody that nine out of 10 partners were like, Cool. Thanks for telling me. Let's go. Let's go.
Let's go to dinner. What are we doing? Let's get in bed. Like it's not what you think. So I hope
we can find the courage to go out there and start to talk to people and realize, you're strong.
It's really common. And it's going to be okay. And there's so many people who sex lives get
even better because now you've the freedom. You're like, I've said it all. I got zero secrets.
This is who I am. And once you tell one person, it's not going to be that big of a deal. You're
going to get better at telling people. And also something you need to understand is you don't
need to tell somebody that on the first date. You're not sleeping with them probably. Or are you?
No. No. Yeah. You don't strike me as somebody who's having sex on the first date. So I mean,
you haven't had sex in three years. So it would be crazy for you to just start right away. Well,
not crazy, but it doesn't seem characteristic of you. So you don't have to tell somebody right
away. You can build a relationship or the beginnings of a relationship and then sit down and also
characteristically, that says a lot about you to be upfront and honest with a person. They're
going to look at that and be like, before you have sex with them, you can tell them. But also,
you're not contagious unless you have an outbreak. Correct. Correct. Right. So and you're,
you seem very aware of your diagnosis. And it's not a big deal. Like it doesn't fucking matter.
All you have to do is be mindful of other people catching it. So when you have an outbreak,
you shouldn't be actively having sex with somebody, obviously. But you can tell somebody when
you're in a relationship with them, you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself about something
that one in three people in the world, in the world, are dealing with all the time. I mean,
you know, you're going to probably tell somebody who's going to be like, Oh, God, I have it too.
So that happens a lot. Yeah. So I really wouldn't worry about that aspect of things. I understand,
I think, reading between the lines of your letter and what you're saying is that it's been so long
since you've been out there that it's harder to get back in, right? Because you don't have the
kind of language or experience other than the bunch of dates that you went on, which I also think
is a really good thing and a good practice to just be exercising is dating because, you know,
it takes a pressure off when you, when you, when you have a lot of experience with it, you don't
have to look at every date as like, Oh my God, is this going to be the one? It's more of like,
Oh, let me see if I even like this person. The more sex you have, the more sex you want to have.
And I think that goes for solo play as well. If you're just not doing it, it's easy to be like,
cool, that's on the back burner, kind of indefinitely. Maybe there are some things you can try that are
like taking a nice bath that are sensual and sexual and like, maybe you're not even trying
to have an orgasm, but just like starting to prime the pump for yourself with that and getting
back into like some solo play before you try venturing out in the world. So true, huge fan of it.
Sex beget sex. So we have to keep our own pilot light lit. That's the truth. Sometimes we're
in relationships and we think like, oh, we're dating. We're like, oh, I'm going to save myself. We're
all get turned on right when we're ready to go in the bedroom. But that's the other thing. We
usually were not. So it's like going to the gym, like you got to keep it going. So solo sex, loving
yourself, it's going to have a way that you're going to stay connected to your sexual energy.
And then when you're out with somebody, then that's going to be flowing and you're going to be a
little more embodied. Yeah, for sure. That makes a lot of sense. I think that kind of was what I was
thinking with going on the dates. And I think what I've noticed is because maybe my sex drive has
just kind of fizzled out, there's no sexual chemistry. And I can't tell if there's no sexual
chemistry because there's no sexual chemistry or if there's no sexual chemistry because I'm scared.
And then it makes it difficult for me to make the right call. Do I want to go on another date?
Is there anything there? And I feel like this is not something I struggled with before
everything unfolded the way it did. Yeah. Well, it sounds like you're playing a big mental
game on yourself. You know what I mean? I mean, I'm glad you're in counseling because I think you,
I think this is much more of a mental thing than anything else. Do you, can I ask you, do you masturbate?
Not really. Like, very I should start. Okay, because if you want to get that sex drive going,
right? Like the way to keep like my friend was talking, I should say her name, but I won't.
My friend was talking about vaginal dryness the other day. And we were all laughing at her.
And because her doctor was like the way to prevent vaginal dryness is to use your vagina.
Yeah, exactly. And she's like, she's like, I can't have sex with my house because of my vaginas
too dry. I'm like, well, that's your vaginas too dry because you won't fucking have sex with your
husband. So stop blaming him. And it's you like, you know, it like one thing leads to the other. So
I think just start getting more comfortable with your sexuality. And that does mean masturbating.
You know what I mean? Spend time masturbating. Use a toy or whatever, whatever gets you going.
Just start doing that because then you're, you're exuding also a more sexual energy and you're
going at your more apt to feel chemistry with other people. Once your sexuality is vibrating
because right now you probably feel it sounds like you feel very like your sexuality feels dormant.
And you want to wake it up, right? And so that starts with you. You're taking all the right
steps going on dates, you're in therapy, start masturbating. And I mean, I don't think I've ever
given this advice before. No, but I love it this year. I literally get this every day that I'm
like a pusher. I'm like a loop pusher. I'm a toy pusher because it's true. Like we get caught off.
So yes, masturbation is a huge part of being sexually healthy. And like when you're masturbating,
do the, like you know, kegels are like everyone prescribes to a kegel. Like now you'll do it now
because I'm saying it. But that is literally where that's the power source. So your pelvic floor,
if you just like right now squeeze it, like you're like, hello, you're connected to it. So when you're
even throughout the day, like you take a few deep breaths, you're like, I'm going to squeeze it.
That wakes it up. That's the koudalini. That's the energy that's going to start to flow.
Because right now it's like dormant because of the fear of trauma you had from this diagnosis.
These three years you've been in your head. I'm not sexual, not sexual, but you're 25 years old.
Like your whole sexual life is ahead of you. So like I'm not worried. We're not like at all worried.
It's more like getting more touched, getting embodied, breathing, masturbating, and continue to go
on these dates with people because it is a muscle. And the more it's like, you know, going to the gym,
like maybe you went a lot to the gym three years ago. It's been three years. You go, then you start
going back, you go back for five minutes in time, then 10 minutes, you're like, oh, yeah, move my body
again. The same thing goes for sex and for dating. And then yeah, you don't have to tell anyone right
away. Like when you start to feel it's getting that place, maybe the second or the third day,
you're like, oh, by the way, and also here's the other thing when you are disclosing it. It's not like
we need to talk. You got to be like, hey, yeah, by the way, I want you to know that I've harpies.
And so I take a daily suppressant, which means that it's like not going to, there's like one percent
chance it could transfer, but that's not the case. It's why you know that. Any questions?
You know what I mean? Like casual. Not like, oh my god, that sentence is big head. No, that's it. Do
you have anything? And would you have anything to tell me about your sex life? Like anything that
you want to talk about sexually, like that just shows you even growth mindset around sex that you
are care about your sexual health. And to me that shows like, oh, here's someone who's actually really
honest, and who's going to prioritize my health and cares about my health because you're
cheering it. And you can use this diagnosis to empower your sexuality, right? Instead of it
disempowering you, you can flip the switch on it. You have the power. I'm excited for you because
I think you're going to have a big sexual awakening. Once you get the ball rolling, things are going
to open up to you. You're sexy. You're beautiful. You're young. You have all of this opportunity.
And the only thing that's preventing that is your own conversation with yourself about your
diagnosis. And that's just not going to be the way it is moving forward. Herpes isn't going to
do you. You're doing herpes. You know what I mean? Yes. Yeah. That's the way I look at drugs. Like
whenever I take a drug, I'm like, you're not going to control me. I control you. And that's why I
have such good experiences with drugs is because I am in control. I don't lose my shit. I don't let
something take over my personality. And that's how you have to look at herpes. That does not
define you. That's one little blip. And it's not even a blip. Who cares? It means nothing.
Yeah. Totally. I think I kind of have let myself get in my head and like kind of internalize.
It's it's frequently the butt of the joke, right? Like you see it all the time on the internet.
And I think I have let it get in my head. And one thing I guess I'm I go back and forth on is I
want to wait until I feel like I'm ready to like disclose and like kind of just give myself the
freedom to do that. And then I'm always worried. Like what if they react? And they're like, well,
that's so fucked up. And I wasted a bunch of dates with you. And is that mine to worry about even?
No, no, but who care? Yeah. Yeah. Who care? So then that's not the right person. It's like you're
worrying about things that may or may not even happen. You know, the only thing you can guarantee is
your own behavior and that you act with a moral compass. And by that, it's like sharing the
information with a person whom you're going to be romantic with in a long term way, even. You
know, like if you're having a one night stand, you don't have an outbreak. Some people might disagree
with me. But if you're using protection and you don't have an outbreak, then you're good to go.
You've been putting yourself into like sex jail for the last three years. Because of some
fucking asshole. Yeah. Yeah. So so stop it. Yeah. I feel like we just let her out too. I feel like
we just gave you the I feel like this is the first day they rest your sex life right now. I hope it is.
I'm feeling that you need to go have sex and report back tonight. Yeah. You do. Or at least
masturbate and report back exactly. We don't need a report on your masturbation. But we do. But
we want you to masturbate, but we want you to also get out there, start experimenting with your
sexuality to reintroduce yourself to this new sexual person that you're about to become. Yeah.
Thank you. I appreciate it. It's it's just helpful to hear people talking about it.
So yeah, I mean, you listen, you're acting like you have cancer. You don't
like totally true exactly. You're not dying. You're living. So live it up. Okay. Thank you.
And these people can I say what they the people who show you who they are with the guys like,
oh, I can't believe you told me not your person. Like that's what people are doing your
favorite when they're asked. Absolutely. Yeah. For sure. Sure. Well, thanks Sarah. Thank you.
Don't forget to hit us back. Give us an update in a few months. Okay. We'll do. Take care.
Okay. Thanks Sarah. Bye. Well, our next caller is Lynn. She says dear Chelsea. I am a 40-year-old woman
and I've only been single for a year and a half of my entire adult life. It's not intentional. It
just worked out that way. Within my decades of serial monogamy was the confession for my husband
and father of my two-year-old that he identified as a woman and had been cheating on me during our
entire relationship. Turns out she just needed a green card. My last relationship was with a
wonderful man who I consider the love of my life. Life circumstances led to the end of that
relationship. After the initial heartbreak about the end of a beautiful relationship,
I know that I need to enjoy this time being single, truly single. I've lifted myself out of a
self-deprecating slump, but there's one thing I just cannot justify out of my mind. That is the
sadness that I no longer get to enjoy sex. I'm not a prude or a slut shamer or a hopeless romantic.
I just don't get enjoyment from sex with someone that I don't have a connection with.
Should I consign myself to a celibate lifestyle or think outside the box and try to push through
my natural inclinations? Yours truly, Lynn. Hi, Lynn. Hi. Hi. How are you? I'm good. How are you?
This is Emily, our sex expert for the day. Hi. So you're newly single and it sounds like you
don't have a lot of experience being single. Yeah, pretty much none. Okay. Good. Well, it's a
whole new beginning now. The whole life. I just want to be excited about it, except that I'm like,
oh, wait, I'm celibate. That's not fun. Okay. So I do want to, you know, I think it's important to
explore why you're feeling like you need to be celibate. And I do appreciate that you said,
like, I just don't feel comfortable having sex with somebody that I'm not emotionally connected
with. I had a friend who went through a very similar thing where she identified as demisexual,
which is sort of this idea that like unless you have an actual relationship with someone or,
you know, feel connected with them, you just like don't really have a sexual attraction to them.
Emily, you're not in your head. Do you want to say a little more about that? Yeah. No, I'm just saying,
it's really common, demisexual, satiosexual, like we need to have like an intellectual connection
with somebody before we feel hot for them. Like no one's expecting you to go out there and
realize to bang somebody just to get the sex over with. Like it's okay to say I know about myself
that I am somebody that needs a certain level of connection and safety with somebody. So I think
we could still, you could still find that. But it sounds to me like some of the limiting beliefs
are coming from these past tumultuous relationships that you just had, right? Previously. And so you're
feeling like, well, now are you have to be celibate because there's no one out there or I have this
need that can't be met. And I think that you'll be surprised to find that you probably can't,
I know you can go out there and find new ways to meet people and not pressure yourself,
but just have lunches or drinks or dinners or just however it is that you're meeting people
and actually see, do I have a connection to this person? It's okay to take a few dates and just
and just see and then start to be, it's okay to say that you need to know somebody before you
jump about with them. No one's pressuring you to have casual sex and that's because it's
the case of what you want to have. Sounds to you already have knowledge knowing that you need that
connection. I do and I worry that I'm going to find a connection and then immediately slide into
a relationship because that's been my experience in the past as it starts with a connection in sex
and then all of a sudden I'm in a relationship. You could lead with that too. You could let people,
what I'm all for, like I'm the biggest advocate these days. If you're on the dating apps or you're
dating like let people know right away exactly what you're willing to do, what you're looking for
and when you're at like you can even say you have to get into all the drama like oh this guy was
so right now where I'm at right now I'm actually looking to date people and have a connection and
have something that's a little bit more casual but I mean this is I have two nights a week to see you,
I have one night a week I would like it to be like this I use protection would you be okay with that
you know just you'll find that people will say like oh wow okay well that's either what I am
looking for not looking for I think it's okay to be to be clear that you're gonna be surprised
how many people you find that are on board with you and I'm not even saying the first date you got
to say all that but when you're clear on what you want it's it's it's going to be okay casual sex
can be really satisfying in fact I used to think that too like and I hear this from a lot of people
they're like well I have sex with someone I fall in love that's just a choice that's a pattern
you're not really in love like you had an orgasm and maybe that made you feel connected
but you're in charge you can say you know what what makes you feel connected is that I text them
every day is that I see him four days a week so you could decide that you're going to have a meaningful
casual relationship where you only see them once a week or you're not texting during the week
but the sex you're having is still really satisfying but you don't allow yourself to fall into the old
patterns right and you have accountability partners and friends and people around you and like
Chelsea be here you can check back in you know what I mean set yourself up for success this week
because you know what you don't want it to look like yeah what is your experience with casual sex
I've turned the year and a half that I was quote single I I dated around so I would you know
go on dates and maybe have sex with one or two people I would go to sex parties I had a lot of
fun but I didn't actually feel a lot of physical pleasure when I didn't have anything
there mentally or emotionally and is it going to be a problem for you to say oh okay I'm just
going to give myself six months off of having sex with another person what does that mean to you
if when you hear that that doesn't freak me out I really wanted to just put dating completely
aside and enjoy myself and go to plays and go to the museums I want to and hang out with friends
without that even being an issue without even putting myself out there to meet someone then there's
just that like a little bit of sadness of that part of my life that I'm going to miss oh I just
think you can accomplish both of those things you know if you want to have casual sex it's available
like that's not hard to find but I also just from listening to you the fact that you've been in
relationships accidentally for most of your adult life this is a huge opportunity to get to know
yourself and do all the things you just mentioned doing you're not going to be single forever it's
very rare that anybody is especially with your history and especially with you know being out
and about an associate person it's pretty hard to avoid finding someone that you're going to be
attracted to again and wanting to have sex but I would even more focused just on this time investing
in yourself and taking this kind of window that you have and being like I'm going to do all the
shit I want to do right now while I don't have to be tethered to somebody else who may or may not
want to join me doing these things or prevent me from doing these things because we have to do his
things or or whatever the dynamic may or could be I think it's very important for all women to
spend a significant amount of time alone by themselves to understand who you are and to be able to
ask for the things that you want and and to understand what you do want you know what I mean because
you might spend six months alone and be like whoa this is glorious I want this I want to be alone
for another year before I get into anything serious or I may not want to be with someone again
who knows what conclusion you'll come to you know it's not black and white like that necessarily
but it's a huge like opportunity for growth for you and you should just look at it like that instead
of the things that you're missing like oh I did it it's not like that look at all the things that
you're gaining by being alone and being able to go to the museums by being able to go to movies
by yourself or plays or or with friends and and and not have that kind of couple dumb attached to
it all yeah I have to say that that is the bad I mean so now that I'm hearing rear at it was not
healthy in the past and all that taking six months and saying I'm going to do I did this when I was
42 I did a Manatorium it was like a moratorium on men I'm like I'm not doing it for six months
and it was so freeing to be like I don't have to think about it I can do me I can figure out who I am
without a man in my life because I kept going from one to the next and I really just wanted to
figure out and it was such a wonderful time to get to know who I am without a guy I don't I can
go to the opera I can go see friends I can really think about it and I can reflect it gives you
this open space to say what worked in the past what didn't work in the past there's so much more
time and then when you're ready it's intentional right you can give the intentionality around now I'm
ready to step back into the dating world and there's just just realized how much time you have when
you're not thinking about texting someone and am I going to have sex with this person or not
huge growth happens in the time of relationship with yourself I'm looking forward to that yeah
and Emily you talk a lot in your book too about when it does come to solo sex or masturbation or
those types of things really discovering what you like happens when you're by yourself so like
that may be another thing that you want to actually really intentionally work on or is having a
thriving sex life that like doesn't involve another partner for a while exactly yeah the best
work the best sexual discoveries I made was my solo sex time without a partner I didn't think I
could have G spot orgasms for example I didn't think I could have multiple orgasms I didn't even know
and I was like I'm gonna take time and figure out my own owner's manual because I used to leave it
up to the guy I'm like well he must feel to figure it out and like they don't know what they're doing
I realize that no one really knows so I might as well take the time I got toys I got loops I just
kept talking about research to get and then I was was when I was with a partner not only was I more
embodied and I was more comfortable but then I could actually say uh oh like that doesn't work
we're not going so fast like slow down go down in me for 30 minutes that's what's gonna work like
I was able to be my own best advocate and I want that for you too most of us don't take time for
that at all so I highly encourage time alone with yourself masturbating and having you know loving
up on yourself okay yeah go home masturbate then go to a play and then go to a museum and see
how you like that sounds perfect it sounds like a lovely Saturday honestly yeah seriously okay well
I hope we were able to help you today Lynn yes thank you okay take care thanks so much report back
okay bye yeah I thought that was a really important call just because I think people
think like oh well you know my sex life is over just because I don't have a partner and I don't
think that's true but I just don't understand like everyone needs to just stop thinking that whatever
is happening now is permanent it's not it's like just because you break up and you don't have a
boyfriend doesn't mean you're never gonna have a boyfriend again it doesn't work like that life
doesn't work like that and and instead of resisting whatever situation you're in embrace it and
be like okay this is my reality for however long because it could be a month and she could fall
in love with another guy and then she only had that month to herself and that's a bigger issue
in my opinion it being interdependent constantly yes and thinking that we're broken if we're single
well let's take a quick break and we'll be back to wrap up with Chelsea and Emily
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are you hungry for the inside scoop on women's soccer? I'm Sam Uis and I'm Lynn Williams and we're
a professional soccer players best friends and the host of snacks the only women's soccer podcast
hosted by active players that gets into the most recent news gossip and fun of the end of
yourself the women's national team and the delightful delicious wacky world of snacks it's a weekly
show about women's soccer our friendship the foods that we like the places we get our hair cut
the random things that we come up with in our daily lives and we get to talk to a bunch of our
friends all the time which is like one of my favorite birds about it that's also my favorite part
two each week we have guests like Kelly O'Hara, Megan Rapino, Julie Fowdy all giving you an inside
look at the end of yourself the road to the world cup and women's sports culture so what are you
waiting for? Listen to snacks on the iHeartRadio app Apple Podcasts or our vgetier podcast
in the world of murderous cults if Charles Manson is king Cecilia Stein as queen
she conditioned them to be monsters we are all so horrified by the idea that a mother would
sell her daughter in this way why step someone 65 times in a chase queen havoc in her murder cult
is a new podcast that investigates the four-year killing spree carried out by a religious cult in
South Africa she was telling people the Bible since she was going to kill but actually she was
taking revenge she actually copied the American serial killers a little bit of Charles Manson you
can see a bit of sons of Sam Cecilia's cult called electus per deus killed 11 people over four years
every time you think you understand what's happening you realize that you're wrong
they need a goat that is what happened listen to queen havoc from the executive producers of hell
and gone on the iHeartRadio app Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts
and we're back we're back our last question comes from bath her location is somewhere in Europe
I'm an American and have been dating a wonderful German guy for the past three and a half years
we both have been previously married and have kids I've learned over the past two years that his
parenting styles are much different than mine six months ago he told me his daughter who was
turning 14 wanted to have a sleep over party with some friends two girls and four boys including
her first boyfriend she also asked if her boyfriend could sleep in her bed that night
he told me that he and his ex-wife have a very open relationship with their daughter and she told
them that she's not ready for sex but just wants to snuggle with her boyfriend on her birthday
he has acts and the parents of the kids invited were all fine with the sleep over
my partner had a barbecue for the kids and they were even allowed some beer to drink that night
the kids stayed up all night and he made them breakfast in the morning my respect for him
as an amazing dad has diminished and I after I heard about this I didn't speak to him for a week
I felt sick to my stomach and even had trouble sleeping after hearing this
recently I asked about his daughter and found out that she's now on the pill and regularly
having sex with her boyfriend this news came to me as a complete shock but somehow I knew it was
coming now I'm not sure if I can continue this relationship my partner is very sympathetic to my
feelings but he's proud of his relationship with his daughter and feels he's done nothing wrong
he isn't proud that she's having sex at such a young age but believes that she's very mature
and it was bound to happen sooner or later he's happy that she's experiencing love and passion
at 14 rather than choosing drugs or alcohol I love him dearly but I'm so disappointed in him
as a father and a parent with a 12 year old son and 14 year old daughter there are so many years
of parenting ahead of him these aren't my children so why do I care so much what do you think I should
do Beth back up the judgment Beth these are not your children you are not their parents their European
the rules are very different and probably more appropriate quite frankly because you know
European kids are they're looser with sex they're looser with drinking parents are looser with
you know the what they the parameters they put on children over there and guess what they have a
lot less fucked up children because they're not saying you can't do this until you're 21 or you
can't do this until you're 18 yeah 14 is young to be having sex but guess what I was having sex
when I was 14 and I'm okay I'm not fucked up you know like yeah it's a little bit young but
it's different for everybody and and it's not your job to parent his parenting unless you're
gonna have children with him and did she say she wants children with him no but she has kids of
her own as well I just think they're not under the same roof well then parent them great parent your
children and let him parent his the judgment is so thick is just too much yeah you're so judgmental
of his parenting it's it's really not your issue to ever even give your opinions on unless you're
yeah and she's American we grew up with all this shit you know by the way Americans don't have it
figured out exactly we have an America we're like we sell children guns in this country so remember
that journey don't do that no they don't have the gun problem they don't have the sex problems
as much because they normalize sex they start teaching sex at in some places in Europe especially
the Netherlands when kids are like five years old they're not saying like here's how you put
on a condom they're saying it's your body they name the parts they don't say who how they're like
that's your vagina that's your vulva and they normalize sex so when they talk about sex and sex
education and maybe the German guy it's like this and where his kids grew up is they have sex
education where they do talk about STIs and getting pregnant but they also talk about pleasure and
they're like here's how you would have an orgasm and here's how you ask for consent so perhaps
they had really comprehensive sex education in school and his daughter came to him it's a
daddy I feel safe I'm gonna have sex he's like great let's get you on the birth control pill
and all those things so I understand why that's foreign because contrary to America where we just
tell it me kids are by the way growing up they're seeing porn at like eight years old on their
iPad and then they're just told it's like shameful and wrong and there's zero room for information
except for sex is going to be this wonderful thing and then they go off and have sex and they have
no idea what they're doing so I'm down with him saying like I'm still your parent if you're
gonna have sex here's birth control pill do it and rather have you do it at my home without alcohol
and telling me what's going on then this so yes she's got it and also your own kids that with the
ripple effect that that kind of parenting has means kids are not hiding they're not shameful they
are able to communicate with their parents in a healthy dialogue about things that are pretty
sensitive and American kids aren't like that you know messed up about it back it up sister back
it up and focus on some other things now oh Emily what what it's a light you have been
Chelsea so fun I can't wait to read your book a smart sex we just got it yesterday so I didn't
get a chance to read it but I've got to dive right in yes thank you smart sex yeah please do
dive and think for having me I appreciate it you are a blast and this is a good time oh thank
you so much okay guys also I have added more second shows to my little big bitch tour I add
second shows in Hollywood at the pantages I am gonna be there two nights October 12th and 13th I
added another show at the Chicago theater October 27th and October 28th one of my favorite places to
perform I added another show in Portland so I'll be there November 2nd and 3rd and I added a
second show in Boston at the weighing center so I'll be there November 16th and 17th I also have
two shows in Seattle San Francisco New York at the beacon and Washington DC I will be their October
5th and 6th and a special shout out to Phoenix Arizona where I'm coming Saturday October 14th
and then I'm coming to Cleveland Columbus in Pittsburgh so suck on that you guys I can't wait
to see everybody oh and I'm coming to Eugene Oregon too everybody that's November 9th 2023 and I
will be at the clubhouse in East Hampton which is gonna be a very intimate show on Saturday August 26
so if you are in the Long Island area that's where I'll be the clubhouse if you'd like advice
from Chelsea shoot us an email at dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and be sure to include
your phone number dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer
Catherine Law and be sure to check out our merch at Chelsea Handler dot com
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I'm Sam Muas and I'm Lynn Williams and we're professional soccer players best friends and the
hosts of snacks the only women's soccer podcast hosted by active players that gets into the most
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delicious world of snacks. It's a weekly show that features great guests from the world of women's
soccer recaps and previews of the biggest matches and the two of us hanging out with you.
Listen to stacks on the iHeartRadio app Apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.
From the executive producers of Helen Gone comes a new podcast investigating the serial murders
orchestrated by South African cold leader Cecilia Stein. She conditioned them to be monsters.
In the world of murderous cults if Charles Manson is king Cecilia Stein is queen.
She was telling people the Bible since she was going kill but actually she was taking revenge.
Listen to queen havoc in her murder cult on the iHeartRadio app Apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.