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On the best podcast ever with Raven and Miranda, join Raven Simone and her partner Miranda Mayday. As they and celebrity guests like Demi Lovato and Meghan Trainor engage in unusual conversations. Every episode will spin a wheel of random words from things like animosity to something like zodiac and whatever it lands on, that's what we're going to talk about for around an hour. Think we can do it? Well, then you've never heard us talk. Listen to the best podcast ever with Raven and Miranda on the iHeartRadio app Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey everybody, are you ready for a brand new podcast that you had no idea existed? I'm Roy Scoval and I'm Daniel Van Kirk and it's the Penn Pell's podcast. Maybe you've had a Penn Pell before where you have two of them right now. You send us your letters about anything going on in your life. Got a mean grandma? Need a new haircut? Whatever it is. Send it to us and we have guests like Will Ferrell, Andy Sandberg, Rose Byrne, Brett Goldstein and Mandy Moore. Listen to the Penn Pell's podcast on Will Ferrell's Big Money Players Network on the iHeartRadio app Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Lies, exploitation and the American Dream turned nightmare. This is Big Sugar, a deep dive into the inner workings of the sugar industry. I'm Celeste Headley and in a new podcast, I'm investigating a true crime story like no other about the men who risked their lives to cut sugar cane. From iHeart Media, I'll unravel a decades-long fight to get justice. According to Big Sugar on the iHeartRadio app Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi everybody, it's the week of July 4th and I would like to say, in honor of Independence Day, is that what July 4th? Yes, it is Independence Day. I've forgotten because all of our holidays need to be canceled, right? Like Thanksgiving and Christmas, I'm sure Flag Day is, there's something wrong with that too. No, nothing's wrong with Flag Day. Actually, that's a good day to have a threesome. I always say, you know, it's a three-day weekend. It's a three-day weekend. Or it's Flag Day, then you can get up to some funky stuff like anal or whatever you're into. I love that. I invented anal, so thank you. Thank you for your gift to the world. Chelsea, do you think that your partner should also be your best friend? I don't care about any- well, I mean, I guess I don't care. I mean, you know, sometimes that's great and sometimes it's not. Ultimately, yes, they have to be your closest confidant and know everything. You don't have to tell them everything. I think women have friends and then they have their spouse. And yeah, if you combine those two, but it's very annoying when people are like, he's my best friend. I'm marrying my best friend. Yeah, he's my best friend. Like I was texting with my girlfriend the other day and she's like, I go, let me guess because she took a while to text me back. I go, hello. Hello. I'm like, Shalom. Where are you? And she writes. She's like, sorry, sorry. I was cooking. And I said, yeah, you're listening to a podcast and you're cooking in the kitchen because that's her thing. Yeah. And she goes, and then my husband, whose name I'll leave out. She goes, then he came home and just ruined my whole afternoon. And I was like, that's the kind of honesty I'm looking for. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. It's nice to fall in love and have those feelings, but I think as you age, it's the closest person to you. So do they also need to be your bestie? So little interdependent. Yeah. I mean, I think, you know, it's great to have a friendship with your partner, but also like, you should have other best friends. Well, you should definitely have a friendship with your partner because that's a problem a lot of people have where they feel like they're in love, but they don't like their partner. So it's very important to like your partner because without that, then there's, that comes with respect. Yeah. And if you don't respect them, then everything falls apart. I feel really lucky. I grew up with a dad who was like, women can get anything they want on their own. They can get money. They can have their own house. They can have their own lives. They can give themselves orgasms, but the one thing they can't do is make themselves laugh. That's what you should look for. Someone who like, you dig their vibe and they crack you up. Okay, guys, we have added more shows to my little big bitch tour because I'm coming all over. We added a second show at the Pantages in Los Angeles. So that's October 12th and Friday the 13th, which is my favorite day of the week or the year. I guess we added a second show in Boston at the Wang Center. September 29th and 30th is in two shows in New York. I also have a show in Hampton, East Hampton, New York, August 26th. We added a second show in Portland. So Thursday, November 2nd, Friday, November 3rd in Portland, November 4th and 5th in San Francisco. Two shows there. A second show in Seattle, November 10th and 11th. Two shows in Boston are November 16th and 17th at the Bach Center, Wang Theater. And I'm also coming to Toronto and Montreal and Ottawa and so many other cities, Columbus, Cincinnati, Detroit, Louisville. So I will see everybody at all of these shows. Thank you. Get your tickets at ChelseaHandler.com. Our next guest is back by popular demand because everybody just loved him and his absolute gayness, which everybody appreciates on this show. Our gay guests are our highest rated guests. Who knew we had just a bunch of what are we called when you hang out with gay guys? They used to be called fat hanks, but we can't say that, right? Group flies can't say that either. Oh, really? Fruit flies are out. Okay. So Bravo fans. But I don't even watch Bravo. You know what I'm so sick of? I'm so sick of hearing about that fucking show with whatever just happened in Maddox and Subdivorce. They set me a breakdown to explain it on social media for all of the people who've not watched the show and need to understand what's going on. I was like, thank you for this chart graph. Anyway, his new special is available on YouTube. It's called hair plugs and heartache. And you're going to fucking love it because everybody loves Matteo Lane. So welcome Matteo Lane. Thank you. Thanks for having me. I'm so excited to be back. Having you back. This is our your second appearance. Hi, you least who's also very popular on this podcast. We have had two. She's coming back as well. Well, she'll be back for her third episode. But I have to tell you, Matteo, so much has happened. I have so many men that want to fuck you. That's so many. About fucking you. So one of my new friends, a newer neighbor actually, was like, oh my God, you got to set me up with Matteo. And I was like, all right. But I think he's kind of into boys his own age. I didn't know that. I just assumed I've only seen you out with a couple of guys. And I'd seem to be consistent. And you have a type. And so I let him know that he's not in. And he's like, well, can you just ask him and I asked him. And then I heard the news this morning, I was leaving my house in my assistant, Casey. I said, oh, Matteo's on the podcast because we've recorded Joe Kim Booster yesterday. I love Joe Kimbooster. Yeah, yeah. He's pretty solid. And he was like, oh, I'm so obsessed with Matteo. I go, oh my God, everyone wants to fuck Matteo. And then I found out that Matteo has a boyfriend. Wow. Well, it's all very new, but it's, I think a couple of months, but it's like that. It's the healthiest thing that I've ever been involved with, like someone who communicates and sees a therapist and understands themselves. And I'm like, wow, this feels very healthy. That's new. Usually I love hot men that hate me. But he's great. He lives in Mexico and he's been in New York. I mean, Mexico, we're going to Italy together in a couple of weeks. Oh, nice. So do you speak Spanish to him? Well, we speak more English because his English is really good, but I do speak Spanish, but I have an Italian accent when I speak Spanish. So everyone's like, you sound like Mario. Super Mario? Yeah. Oh, no. Woohoo. You know, pretty embarrassing. But yeah, I'm really, it feels very good, very healthy. And he also understands, like, I mean, it's long distance, but I'm like, anyone who dates me is going to have to date long distance. Right. You know, we're on the road. It's preferable in a relationship. I agree. It's preferable in our day and age. There are so many ways to communicate. And the only way to not get sick of somebody is to not see them all the time. I agree. And it keeps the fire burning, right? Yes. Yes. But it's nice that so many people you don't want to fuck me. I know. I feel good. I know. I mean, I'm, you must be used to that, though, getting hit on by people's friends or wanting people, people wanting to set you up with their friends, right? Yes. That happened. That does happen pretty often. But you know, I don't know. I'm kind of just, I'm on planes. I play video games and then I do shows. So how did you hook up with this guy? I just started following him on Instagram because he was so gorgeous. And then I sent him like a hard emoji and then he like sent one back. Then we're just chatting. It was like casual check. Then it was chatting all the time. Then he's like, well, here's my number. Yeah. And then it was FaceTiming all day. Before you saw each other. Were you two FaceTiming? Yeah. Yeah. And then I met him at the airport in New York. And then before I met him, I was like, what the, why did I agree to this? Like some strangers coming to my home. Now I got to like take him around New York. The second I met him, I thought he's going to be in my life for a while. Oh, that's cute. What do you mean you met him at the airport? Did you pick him up? Oh, that's old school Mateo. I know. I don't even know how to get to the airport. I took it over. When you're meeting someone for the first time, do you like bring flowers? Do you bring? I brought him a protein bar. Oh, no, Catherine. No one's doing that. No one's bringing flowers or hard boiled eggs to the fucking airport. Oh, not those things. Catherine lives in La La Land. I love that now. Chelsea, anytime I'm on a flight and I see something like people with their feet up, I just text you. My DMs are so filled with people. I was on this flight from Singapore to whatever and look what happened. And I'm like, I want to help you people, but I need to stop getting feet in my DMs. There's a whole, there was a New York Times article with a flight attendant who said, like, these are our requests moving forward. Please honor these things. And then one that I thought was interesting was, don't recline your seat until you ask the person behind you. And I'm like, well, no, I disagree with that one. I disagree too. So based on what that you can't recline, it's not like you're lying down in someone's lap. Here's the thing, traveling with a husband who's six foot five, even if he's sitting totally up straight, his knees are against the person's seat back. And so when they put it back like really hard, it's really painful. Oh, yeah. So that's what it is. Well, I think if I have someone who's six foot five sitting behind me, I'll be sure to ask them. But usually I was peak, right? Well, I think I agree with you. If everyone has an option to go back, because what are you going to say? You can't go back, but then I can then that's what's that argument. Yeah, you can't go back because someone too tall is behind you. Also, like, I get it, it's actually empathetic and compassionate to do that. But at the same time, it's like, I have to sit erect because you're so tall. I mean, I just like, and then I, well, I always think it's so annoying when they come over and put your seat back up before take off. Like, why? What the fuck is going to happen when I'm reclining 10 degrees during take off? Like, is the whole plane going to blow up? But I thought it was interesting that the flight attendants had the whole thing of rules. Please don't talk to other people's children. Don't yell at other people's children because there's this article that came out about South Korea that we're doing public spaces that we're talking about. They wanted to prohibit children in certain public spaces. And I was like, even I think that's wrong because they're part of society. Like, it's one thing to have a restaurant or a club that's no children allowed. But not in parks or like public areas, they have every right to be there. I don't want to see them either. But I don't want to discriminate against children. They didn't ask to be fucking born anyway. That's that back to your relationship. Mateo, yes. When was the last time you had a long term relationship? Have you ever? Yeah, I did. I only had two boyfriends and the last one was on and off for four years. That was, but really on and off. I mean, we were together and we'd break up. So volatile. Would you describe it as volatile, turbulent? It was turbulent. It was very, it was a lot of turbulence. And I didn't have a seat belt. So yeah, but you know, we ended up becoming friends. Like him and I stayed, stayed friends. That's nice. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But this is the first person I've ever dated where I thought to myself like, oh, they also could be a friend. Like when I dated, I was always under the assumption like, well, this is dating. So like, I have to behave a certain way or look a certain way. And with him, I'm like, oh, we can just be weird and go karaoke with each other and have fun and be silly and I don't care. You know what I mean? So it feels good. And it isn't a big difference when somebody has gone to therapy, like obviously, but I don't think I would date anyone who hasn't been to therapy. It definitely helps because it makes conversations much better. Deeper. Yeah. And I think honesty is key to most of it. Just be honest. Like, you know, I felt I was always a jealous person, but I realized it wasn't that I was jealous, is that I was insecure because my partner in the past was doing things on purpose to get that out of me in a way to make themselves feel more secure. So now with him, like, he'll be like, oh, yeah, when I dated this one guy and I don't feel a shred of jealousy or like, oh, that guy's attractive. Don't feel a shred of it. I'm like, oh, that's because he's a good communicator. Yeah, it's also the ability to communicate. The greatest thing about therapy and becoming in touch with yourself is the ability to articulate difficult emotions so that when you feel insecure or you feel jealous, you're actually able to communicate that. Like, this makes me feel this way instead of, you know, a ridiculous reaction to that feeling. What's your therapy story? How long have you done therapy? I've been going to the same therapist for almost two years now. He's great. He's gay, which I really like. That's probably best, right? Yeah, because I had a straight therapist for a minute. I would say certain things either wouldn't understand or he would say, well, you know, just because your gay doesn't mean like, you know, everyone has it. I'm like, no, there are some things that are specific. It's a world view thing. It's a world, you think. My friend, Joel Johnson, who's a great comic. She was like, you know, I want to see a black woman because I'm black and they're going to understand my experiences and they'll just make me more comfortable talking about my experiences. She helped me find my therapist and I was like, yeah, I feel like a gay guy would be, I don't have to explain anything. And she was like, you should find someone who's gay. And he's great. I see him every Tuesday. He's great. Yeah, I would like, I had a gay therapist once. I did because my friend was going to him and I thought it would be great. And it had no impact at all on our therapy. Like, I mean, it was obviously, I don't need a straight therapist. I don't think I actually like to, I relate to gay men a lot too. So I find when you're around a straight for me, I become attracted to people when they're smarter than I am. So it didn't happen with Dan Siegel. Thank God because he's half the size of me. So I wasn't going to be attracted to him. And I'm, you know, he's an older man and he's married. So that helped also us not to penetrate. But yeah, I like being vulnerable in front of a man. Yeah. For some reason, there's like a dynamic there that I respect probably because I feel it's that little girl syndrome where you like want someone to take care of you. Yeah. And they're in a position of power and it's sort of, any doctor, I want to fuck after they help me. You know what I mean? Anyone as soon as I like, I have to go get an epidural in my neck for my slipped disc or whatever. My neck is so fucking annoying. And I'm going to be attracted to the anesthesiologist because they put me under and anytime that happens, it doesn't matter what that person looks like. As soon as they are holding my hand and they're like, okay, count back from 10. I'm like, I'm in, I want a feeling for you. And then you never see them again. So it's kind of like the perfect encounter. It's like a dating. Yeah. Okay, we're going to take a quick bubble bath and we'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Do you spend a lot of time on other people during your week or do you spend a lot of time on yourself? I have been spending a lot of time on myself. I like to spend time on other people, but it is very easy to get caught up in what everyone else needs from you. And never take a moment to think about what you need from yourself. But when we spend all of our time giving, it can leave us a feeling stretched, thin and burned out. Therapy can give you the tools to find more balance in your life. So you can keep supporting others without leaving yourself behind. If you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online. It's designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. You just have to fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists any time for no additional charge. Find more balance with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash dear Chelsea today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, help.com slash dear Chelsea. Experiences are what people love the most about travel. I know, and that's true for me. What about you, Catherine? Oh, for sure. I think an experience over a thing is always the best. Yes, yes, and that's true for me as well. Viator is a website and app where you can book travel experiences like tours, museums, and other adventures. I got tickets to the Aquarium of the Pacific because I'm a Pisces, and I loved it. They offer everything from simple tours to extreme adventures. And with over 300,000 bookable experiences in 190 countries, there is something for everyone. Plus, Viator's travel experiences have millions of real traveler reviews, so you have the information you need to book the best activities for your trip. When you book a travel experience with Viator, there's always flexibility and support with free cancellation, payment options, and 24-7 service. So download the Viator app now and use code Viator. VIA, TOR, 10 for 10% off your first booking. One app, over 300,000 experiences you'll remember. Do more with Viator. Hey, everybody. We know there are a ton of podcasts out there. Well, we have one we would love for you to check out. It is called the Penpals Podcast with Daniel Van Kirk and Rurie Scoville. We are both stand-up comedians, we're actors, we're writers, but now most of all, we are your pen pals. Every single episode, we get two letters that we read from our listeners, our new pen pals. It can be about anything going on in their life. And sometimes we're also joined by guests, like Will Ferrell. I'm gonna bring you up in front of the group. I'm gonna punch you as hard as I can to stomach. Rose Byrne. This is West Hollywood. We keep it clean. Judd Apatow. Maybe I can use like beats by Dre. Is that considered any manny word? Conan O'Brien. I'm just showing you that my mind is quick, if not that funny. And Mandy Moore. We're all crossing the line together. Listen to the Penpals Podcast on Will Ferrell's Big Money Players Network on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. Sincerely, your new pen pals, Daniel Van Kirk and Rurie Scoville. You're dead. You're dead. You're dead. We're back. We haven't taken a bath in a while. Well, we don't have a bath at the studio. That's why. It's all showers. Yeah, it's all showers. I don't. I tried to take a bath the other night. And I was so stoned when I got home. I, this is really not a funny story. It's embarrassing, but I'm going to tell it. I had a stomach flu or a bug or whatever. I had explosive diarrhea for three days on the road. And one night it was so bad. I just kept running to the bathroom, going to the bathroom. And my opener was on stage and I was sweating like sick. And I was backstage. There's my security guard and then a strange security guard that I've never met just watching me while I'm sitting there trying to clench my ass so that nothing else ejects. And I'm like, just, I have to get on stage because you know, you get on stage and it all goes away. It's adrenaline takes over. You never, like, that is the perfect elixir for any time you're sick. Get on stage if you get in front of a large crowd. What is the modium? And I remember just sitting back and I'm just like this, like, oh, and then I have the decision. Do I run at the bathroom one more time? Or she's getting off or do I just go? And because I was like, what would happen if I shot my pants on stage? Like, what would I do? Would I continue? I think I would. If it's far enough away from everybody, I'm not going to say. If they don't know. Yeah, I think that the smell obviously would be a problem. But I mean, I'm always wearing black. So it's like, I don't know that everybody would see it. But oh, it was just so terrible. Obviously, everything went fine. I got on stage and then the diarrhea ended the next morning. So... When I get on stage, if I'm sick, I'm not sick. I've never sneezed on stage. I don't cough. It's like everything comes so... Everything faces. Yeah, it's true. Adrenaline is a powerful tool. Well, good. Next time I have explosive diarrhea, I'm running to the comedy set. Take a Zofran. That's actually good for... Really? Yeah, Zofran is good for nausea and diarrhea. I don't know. Well, I found out the hard way. I already used... I'm going to Africa for the summer and I've already used half of my drugs that are for Africa for now. Because I'm like, I'm having all of the illnesses. I'm supposed to have an Africa already. I'm like, can I get a refill on that sip, bro? Well, our first question actually comes from Josephine. Dear Chelsea, I'm in the process of combining lives with my boyfriend. He feels like my forever person, but we've run into a few speed bumps in combining finances. My partner loves to travel and he loves to shop. He makes a good bit more money than me, so he's starting to travel without me. A lot and planning more trips in the future, so low because he can afford to go. I'm happy for him or at least I really want to be. Is she because she's writing us? How happy could she be? Yeah, when you travel a lot, so I thought this was a good question for you. We're currently trying to start a family by a house and plan for a small wedding, so all my finances feel tied up in the future. So I'm choosing to save money rather than push my budget to join his travels. I'm trying to find fulfilling ways to spend my time when he is away, but I can't stop thinking about how much money he's spending seeing the world alone. The question, am I short-changing myself by not asking my partner to give up a few experiences now for our future together? Should I drop all of it because I want him to be happy and I don't want to fight about money or attempt to control how he lives his life? Is it okay that I feel sad and that I'm getting left behind for trying to be responsible with my money? Should I just say fuck it and spend all my money traveling with him? Or should I get a third job so I can save money and travel and not feel a sorry for myself but I can't do it all, Josephine? Don't get a third job. Like why? Why would you do that if you don't have to? I think you're right at this guy. Yeah, I don't know. I'm suspicious of the amount of traveling this guy wants to do alone. Who is he traveling with if he's not traveling with her? Apparently by himself. He's just going to Croatia by himself. That's, I would also be, I'm like, okay, who are you meeting? Who are you hanging out with? What are you doing alone? I don't want to travel alone. You want to be with your person. If you have a person, you want to be with your person. And also he should want to be with her and wait until she has the money or save the money together or be generous enough to say, I've got this trip for you. You know what I mean? You can come. I know you can't afford it right now. Yeah, maybe plan less trips but with trips that you can afford to bring her along. Wouldn't that be what you want to do? Yes, but I would say also you're planning a small wedding. This is good information for you to have before you get married to somebody because what's going to happen when you get married is you're going to continue to go on trips by himself? He's going to do his honeymoon alone. Yeah. I'm going to go to Vietnam alone. And I also just like, you know, this whole co-mingling thing of finances, I just don't understand why once you get with somebody that it shouldn't be just like a shared pot of like, not that you share all of your money with each other. But like what do we, our expenses together and in the areas where somebody needs help? The person who's making more money should be willing to help that person. It's your partner. You're supposed to spend your life with this person. It's going to be sometimes you're going to have more of an advantage financially and sometimes he's going to have more of an advantage financially. So you're both going to have to scratch each other's back at some point. But when you're with somebody that you love, that shouldn't even be an issue. It's not like you should give all your money away to a stranger, but I'm saying like, be conscientious about your partner's needs and wanting to be together. You're supposed to be a couple. So I don't know. He kind of sounds like an asshole. And he really does selling an ass. I was like, I'm going to take trips by myself. And I'm not, and I love that. Like what's her deal with the relationship that she was like, should I feel bad? Yeah. You wrote this letter to Chelsea Handler. You shouldn't feel bad. I would feel bad for you. My boyfriend's like, I'm taking trips all by myself. But by, I'd be like, OK, I'll be home playing angry birds. Like, you don't want me to come with it all or quit a local shit together? I think when you're in a relationship, that's like that. It's totally fine to go on a trip or two by yourself or with your friends, of course, but not as a regular thing. That's kind of like very inconsiderate. The fact that she's taking all of the responsibility of saving for their future on herself, I don't love this part. Is she communicating, but you know what she needs to do? She needs to communicate this to him and be like, hey, instead of going to Zimbabwe, maybe stay home. Yeah. And also who is in Zimbabwe that you're seeing? Yeah. I feel like this is also like get in front of a couple's counselor because he might have some like backlash of like, well, I'm just doing my thing and why do you want to cycle me? Yeah. Good point. Well, they're going to have to split that one. But also, I think when you see things that make you not feel good about yourself, you have to pay attention to those, especially before you marry someone because those things usually just intensify once that deal is settled. Like if in the courting phase, people aren't on their best game, things are only going to get more comfortable and less lax as you go forward. So like, I think you should really address this. An counselor would be a great idea. Or you can just tell him to go fuck himself, but it sounds like you like him. So how would he feel if she went on a trip without him? I'm sure he would say he's fine with that. No problem because he knows it's not a real actuality. Like it's probably not going to happen. Yeah. I don't know. I think it's a real big red flag, Josephine, and go take into a counselor. Well, our first caller today is Reed. He is in Ecuador and he is in the Peace Corps. He is 24. Reed says, dear Chelsea, I've been in a committed relationship with my boyfriend for over a year. And I'm totally smitten. However, I moved to Ecuador in January, giving us a 14-hour time difference. And he'll tell you more about this, but his boyfriend is in South Korea. And of course, because we're gay men in our 20s, we decided that we should try an open relationship to grapple with the distance. Since then, I've hooked up with a few people here and there, but no one really excites me like my boyfriend. And I've recently stopped seeking out other people altogether. My boyfriend, on the other hand, has been, let's just say, very busy. Recently, I've become overcome by emotions of incredible Chelsea. This is unintended. It appears as though he's unable to go out with his friends and not go home with somebody. We had intimacy problems before the distance, and I know that my insecurity is stemming from those problems, make it harder for me to be at peace while he's having fun. I also think it's odd that he doesn't get jealous at all and actively wants me to hook up with other people, like fight for me. Anyway, I want to cut off the open part of our relationship, but I don't want to gatekeep his self-discovery and experimentation as he's somewhat newly out of the closet and into the gay scene. What should I do? Clever sign-off, read. Hi, read. Hi, read, ola, ola. Ola, come here Stan, how are y'all? It's the Viennito. Vien, gracias. Go, go, go. Go, go, go. We're gonna do this in Spanish. That's the biggest coffee cup I've ever seen. That looked like a measuring cup for baking. You've never had coffee in your corridor? No. In fear, that's how they serve it. It's beer. Excellent. I had a beer last night for dinner. I fucking enjoyed that beer, but it has to stay cold. I agree. It's good when it's very hot out. Are you been doing yard work? Yeah. Have you been doing yard work during the Peace Corps? Absolutely. Or a person where you can answer. I did not sign up for yard work now. No, no, good for you. That's nice that you're in the Peace Corps. Good boy, I love that. Yeah, thank you, thank you. So, well, Mateo is a registered gay man, so I'm gonna let him start with this and because you have more experience in this. Yeah, I think that, so you guys are in an open relationship. And it's interesting because a lot of gay people or queer people will tend to go back and forth like I'm open or know we're like monogamous and I think breaking the rules and doing whatever we want is the benefit of being gay is that we don't have to follow the same rules as society, but that doesn't necessarily mean it still works for you. So like I understand that you're saying like, okay, well, we're separate and this is the healthy thing to do and blah, blah. But if you're already starting to run into issues that are affecting you emotionally, then I think it would be time to have a conversation with your partner and be like, you know, I know this is something we agree on, but I'm feeling a certain kind of way. Do you want to stop fucking everyone you see in South Korea or, you know, because I just feel like I have friends who literally clean the house for the other person's grinder appointment. He's like, their boyfriend's like, oh, I can clean in the house. He's got a grinder date and then I'm getting out of here. Well, I think that's great. I don't work that way. I work better in monogamy because I'm maybe because I'm insecure, I don't know, but I'm sensitive. So I think it just depends. Would you prefer to be in a monogamous relationship? Did you do the open relationship because you felt that was the right thing to do to keep him? I definitely would prefer to be in a monogamous relationship for sure. I didn't do it because I felt like that was how I would keep him. I did it because, you know, there's a lot of distance for continents away. There's a massive time difference. I can only talk to him in the morning or at night. And so, you know, like there's also like certain needs and things that happen. And so like, it just was a logical step for me. It wasn't necessarily in fear of the relationship falling apart now. When is the next time you'll guys will be with each other? 2028. It depends. So I'm in Ecuador until 2025. Oh my God. And he doesn't have a real immediate path back to the US because he was deported. So we don't really know when we'll be in this country again. Though hopefully he'll come and visit me sometime in August or September. So he can visit you at how long can he come to Ecuador for? I mean, it depends on his work schedule and everything. It would only probably be for like two weeks. Yeah, I mean, it was very generous of you, A, to just like open up your relationship when that's not really your kind of predisposition. You know, that was nice of you to do. And all you can do is be honest. I think that's all you can do with any relationship because you have every right to be want to be monogamous and he has every right to want to be, you know, not monogamous and have lots of different lovers and experience. And especially since you said he's right out of the closet, all you can do is have an open conversation with him and said, this is how I'm feeling. It's not like a deal breaker, but I just want you to know. I mean, have you said anything like this yet? Yeah, we had a conversation kind of shortly after actually I wrote the email to you all. And I said, I was like, I don't really know if this is working for me right now. I don't really know how I feel about the open component of what we've got going on. And when we started the open relationship, we kind of had a rule. It was like, if somebody wants to close the relationship, we have to close it. And so I kind of indicated that, that I wanted to close it. But then he said, okay, fine. Like I understand we made that agreement that if one of us wants to close it, that one has to agree. So he acquiesce. But then he kind of also said, at the same time, I'm also like really exploring myself. I'm learning more things about my sexuality as I'm out here meeting different men and you know, immersing myself into the gay community and gay theme in a different way. And I also don't want to lose that. So then I kind of backtracked and said, okay, well, I understand where you're coming from. And I don't want to, as I mentioned, email. I don't really want to gay keep your self discovery and your experiences. So I again, kind of just like let him essentially win the conversation for that reason. Yeah, I feel like when people need space or time, you should give them double. Even if it comes to a point where you kind of, like he should definitely come visit you if and when that's possible. But I think you should look at the relationship as like a maybe instead of everything, right? Hopefully he'll circle back around. He has to sew his oats. Everybody has to get that out of their system at some point. And it sounds like that's what he's doing. And I think as long as you, if you can tolerate that and giving him the space, you know, you should do that. And if you can't, and if you get to the point where it becomes really unbearable for you or untenable because of where you are emotionally, then you should also just say, like, listen, I really care about you and I do not want to limit you at all. But why don't you go do your thing? I still would love you to visit me, but let's not have this label as we're in a relationship. You know, that way it doesn't feel like such an affront with him hooking up. And that way maybe when you guys do reconnect, it will be a reminder of why you guys were in a relationship in the first place. And so much will have been under the bridge at that point that maybe he will have sewn his oats and been satiated in that regard and wanting to get into a normal relationship. But I would only send the relationship if you get to a point where it's just really not pleasant for you. I think it's very unsustainable what you're describing as young as you guys both are with that time distance, with everything up in the air and not knowing when he's going to be able to really get out of there permanently or come live with you or whatever you're, you know what I mean? It's just it's a young love and it doesn't sound very practical or sustainable. Yeah, it feels like something that might work really well is when you're together, you're together, exactly what Chelsea's describing. And when you're apart, you're apart, but you know that you're in love. I know this is the worst thing you can say to someone who's 24 and in love, but people come back together if they're meant to be together. I really do believe that. What's that saying go? What's that saying when they let someone go if they fly away? If it's the Mariah Carey lyrics from Butterfly. Let it fly, fly, fly away. Yeah, and if it comes back, it was meant to be. And if it doesn't, it was never yours to begin with. Listen, nobody respects Mariah Carey more than I do. I love Mariah Carey. Mateo, mate. Yeah, you know what? My suggestion is just listen to a Mariah Carey's Butterfly album and over and over again. And you'll find all of your answers there. OK, noted. Win and doubt. So what, how do you, so I mean, you seem like you're OK. You don't seem devastated emotionally or anything like that. It ebbs and flows. I wrote my letter to the podcast when I was really in my feelings about it, because there had been like a couple issues like there was like an STD scare. There was him kind of being not super communicative. And so there were problems at the time when I wrote the letter. And like the last like week or so since then has been like a lot better. And I feel a lot more comfortable and secure with where we are currently. How long have you guys been together for? We've been dating for about 15 months over a year. You're like one of those mothers that has like a 17-month-year-old child. And instead of saying one and a half, you're like, they're 85 months old. Well, because I don't know. Yeah, yeah, sure. You're like 15 months. Not that I'm counting. What were you going to say before Mateo just so rudely interrupted you? Well, this the last week or so, I've felt more secure when we got going on. But I know he's out partying right now. Yeah. Because the time difference. So it's like 4 a.m. in Seoul. And I know he's out with the guy he like soak up with. He normally text me goodnight. And he doesn't text me goodnight. So I'm like, look, fuck. But that's just me like getting into my own head and like being bound by like the insecurities of stuff that's happened in the past. And all these other things. So I'm trying to rationalize my emotions when I feel like I should just be able to feel them. It really doesn't sound great. It doesn't sound great. But here's what I want to say to you. I understand everyone has been through this. You're jealous and you're looking at the phone and you're, when are they going to call? When are they going to text? Are they home? Who are they with? You're in the Peace Corps. You're doing a lot of great shit on your own. I really would urge you to just kind of try to redouble your efforts towards yourself and not obsess. I know it's harder to do than to say, but it is a practice like anything to not obsess over what he's doing because it's really nothing you can control and you know that and focus on your efforts on what's happening with you down there in Ecuador and the people that you're surrounding yourself with. That's a once in a lifetime thing. You're never going to get this time back, you know what I mean? So better to have it spent being present and meeting guys down there, you know, yeah, just because you had sex with a couple guys that didn't interest you, that doesn't mean that no one in Ecuador will interest you. Yeah. But I do think that's also a bit of the issue that I've been having too is like, I'm living in like a little bit of a smaller city. There's not a lot of people around. It's a little bit more rural. And so my options just as a gay man in general are, I mean, yeah, it looks like you're calling me from like the back of a shed. That's a lot. Yeah, I'm really, I'm like in a house like right off the highway. Yeah, it's like, there's just like, I am living in a smaller area. There's not a whole lot going on. There's not a lot of options for me. Even like if I wanted to get out there and like see other people have sex with other people, whatever it is, it's rather limited for he's in like a major metropolitan city. He's able to live his 20s in a better way. What's the biggest city near you? Kito is about four or five hours away. Okay, I know you can't just kidding. Yeah. I would say to get some really fucking good books and start educating yourself even further. You know, you're obviously a responsible caring individual and I would say to spend that time really filling your brain up because nothing works as escapism to me like a book does. And especially when you're down there in this kind of different part of the world, there's so much to learn in their books that they have available there just about that whole, about all of South America. Like you could be filling yourself up with knowledge and occupying your time so that you're not looking at your phone, you're not spending it. And also make some guardrails for yourself that you're not checking your phone. You know what I mean? Give yourself a couple of those crucial hours where you're waiting for him to check in where you don't look. You just have to get off of the habit and fill yourself off in other ways. And I'm not talking about seeing you in a minute. So just, I mean, I am, I am. Of course, that's always an adoption. But if people are few and far between figure out other ways to entertain yourself. And the last time you spent on your phone, yeah. Yeah, well, find a nice girl. We said entertain yourself. My dad would be so proud. Oh, yeah, yeah, right. Yeah, you're like, I met a woman, she's an Ecuador. We're together, it's over. My gayness is over, it's stopped. It's, it flew away like a butterfly. Sorry that you're feeling this way, but seriously, you're awesome. You're handsome, you're smart, you're fun, and you have a good vibe going. Don't let someone else kind of take out your joy and, you know, for life and learning and growing. Also, does he party every single day? Sounds like it. No, it's not like an every night thing. No, but like a couple of times a week and I just like, he's going out. I know where he's going. I still have friends in the city, right? It's like they see him out. Like some of them will like texting me and like, yo, I saw your man's night doing X, Y, and Z. Well, then you need to tell them to stop texting you about him. You got to put that on end to that. Yeah, that's not fun, Missy. Did you use to live in South Korea? Yeah, I lived there last year after I graduated college. Oh, what brought you there? Or took you there? So I didn't want to get a real job. So I taught English there for a year. I'm an anthropology student. Oh, cool. I'm going to go back to school and sort of get a PhD in anthropology. So I just like traveling, seeing different cultures, studying different people, things like that. So it's just a good fit. That's why I'm doing the Peace Corps. Yeah, yeah. You know what a good book? I just read on Cuba. It was called Cuba, an American history by Ada Farrah. If you're looking for a good book. Awesome, yeah. That'll keep you fucking busy. I'll definitely look into it. OK. Well, good luck to you. I hope everything works out with you. And just, you know, what I mean? Remember to focus on yourself. You're the most important thing in this equation. You have to make sure that you're happy and all of the good things. Yeah, I agree with that. I agree with that. Well, keep in touch. OK, Reed. And don't hit your head when you stand up. OK? I actually did before I got on the call. That's so funny. I was like, is that a touch truth? And then I'm like, no, it's actually wood. Yeah. It's too much beer in this giant mug. I know. We'll keep drinking. That's the one thing you should continue to do as well. Here we go. OK, take care. Thanks, Reed. All right. Well, thank you so much. Nice meeting you. Hi, nice meeting you. Bye. Have a good day. Hey, everybody. We know there are a ton of podcasts out there. Well, we have one we would love for you to check out. It is called the Penn Pals podcast with Daniel Van Kirk and Rory Scoville. We are both stand-up comedians. We're actors. We're writers. But now, most of all, we are your Penn Pals. Every single episode, we get two letters that we read from our listeners, our new Penn Pals. It can be about anything going on in their life. And sometimes we're also joined by guests. Like Will Ferrell. I'm going to bring you up in front of the group. I'm going to punch you as hard as I can in the stomach. Rose Byrne. This is West Hollywood. We keep clean. Judd Apatow. If you use I-Dates by Dre, is that considered any man? We're Conan O'Brien. I'm just showing you that my mind is quick, if not that funny. And Mandy Moore. We're all crossing the line together. Listen to the Penn Pals podcast on Will Ferrell's Big Money Players Network on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. Sincerely, your new Penn Pals, Daniel Van Kirk and Rory Scoville. You're dead. Lies, exploitation, and the American Dream turned nightmare. This is Big Sugar, a deep dive into the inner workings of the sugar industry. I'm Celeste Headley. And in a new podcast, I'm investigating a true crime story like no other about the men who risked their lives to cut sugar cane. In Big Sugar, from I Heart Media, Imagine Audio, and the teams at Weekday Fun and Novel, I'll unravel a decades-long fight to get justice. If they were right, then these workers were owed tens of millions of dollars next to wages. I felt ashamed as an American. And the lengths people will go to hide the truth. The sugar lobby is one of the most powerful lobbies in the country. They have boatloads of money. Listen to Big Sugar on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Bachelor Nation, can we steal you for a second? Bachelor Happy Hour, the one and only official Bachelor Nation podcast is back. Go behind the scenes with your host, Bachelor in Paradise, season seven newlyweds, Joe Amobili and Serena Pitt, for real stories about what happens in Bachelor Mansion. Here on Bachelor Happy Hour, we'll be putting all the guys in the hot seat. Well, the exclusive interviews will be the first to talk to the man we're gonna bring the drama into the house and leave, probably broken hearted. Joe and Serena chat with fellow Bachelor alumni and current cast members who reveal first-hand details about the show that you simply won't hear anywhere else. This is your home for all things Bachelor Nation. We'll also be breaking down each episode and we'll have some juicy insider secrets along the way. New season, new love stories, new drama. For yourself a drink because the most dramatic season has just begun. Listen to Bachelor Happy Hour on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. It's so interesting being gay. I just would never be down with an open relationship. I wonder what my limitations are because obviously monogamy is not sustainable. It's very hard to stay with somebody for now that people are living so long. It's just not natural, right? I just, no, I mean, I don't know. I think everything has to be a little bit like alcoholics anonymous, it's day by day. You just got to go day by day with a relationship. I think the second you set all these expectations for years and years into the future, it's just natural for people to want to break those rules and not feel confined. But really, and it's crazy, like some of my best friends, I have gay friends who just, they're so open, like, oh, I have an extra boyfriend. We all hang out together and dotted it out. So it depends on how you establish your relationship and if you establish your relationship on trust in a good foundation, maybe that works. It doesn't work for me, but I'm also Italian, so. Yeah, but I also don't want to fuck a bunch of guys. Like, if I'm in love with someone, I just want to fuck that person. Like, I've never had the desire. Maybe I've never been in a relationship long enough to have the desire to have sex with other people. Because usually when I get out of a relationship, I don't want any sex for a long time. It's like back the fuck off. That's a bit of a healthy way to go. Then when you get out of a relationship and you're just sleeping around, like calling all your ex out, you know? Oh yeah, that's, I remember that. That's very young behavior when you get broken up with or you break up with someone and you want to go out to have revenge sex because nothing makes you feel worse than having sex with somebody you don't give a shit about. It's true. It makes you feel so lame. Like, you're not getting, that's not fun. I feel bad for it. So I mean, to be honest, that situation sounds horrible. Well, yeah, yeah, it doesn't sound horrible, but it doesn't sound like it's gotten to the last. He's not holding on tightly, but, you know, obviously, when someone's kind of trying to be free, you can't hold on to them that you gotta let them do their thing. And a 14-hour time distance alone is like just a recipe. I did a six-hour time difference and that was hard enough, you know, because at like 5 p.m., that's it. I'm not talking to him anymore. He's asleep, so it's in the rest of my night. It's a loan you have to catch back up in the morning. It can be hard. I used to have a boyfriend who lived in New York and I lived in LA and he would call me when he got home at night, but it would be like three, four in the morning. He owned a bunch of bars in restaurants at LA, so he was always out fucking partying and probably cheating on me. And I was so insecure in that relationship and I just was like, I would always be there. Like, I'd wake up in the morning and check my phone and make sure that did he text me, did he call me, did he try, you know, and if he didn't, it was a huge fucking argument. And it was so exhausting. Like relationships like that age you, you know, because you're not acting like you're best self. You're not even acting like you're real self because whoever like triggers you and it's really no one's fault. It's not his fault because, I mean, it was because he was lying about everything. But, you know, if he had told me the truth, I was like, if you could just tell me the truth, then I can make my own decision about whether or not I wanna participate in this. But also you're spending all your time worrying and getting jealous and getting anxious. Like all this energy could be put towards us to working towards a common goal. And right now it's about him covering up and me worrying about it. It's like not a, I don't understand that. You could spend all that time masturbating actually, which is what my two friends who are staying with me from Canada are doing at my house right now. I just would like to make a public service announcement that my two friends are here visiting. But I get a lot of shit sent to my house and a lot of vibrators sent to my house. Oh, whether they're from Goop or Woop Doo Doo Doo Woop. I don't know where there are vibrators everywhere and they're all in a box upstairs because my bell knows that I don't jerk off with a vibrator. I just don't. And these girls have charged all my vibrators and have been jerking off nonstop in my house while they're staying Earthquares. You're gonna think it was an earthquake because your house is shaking so much. Yeah, this morning my friends like Buddy, that was the best, that is the best vibrator. You should try it. I'm like, the one you just used, you want me to try? No, thank you. I mean, you know there's a little bowl of that. I mean, these girls would be down with that. I've never seen anything like it. Such a positive masturbation community. I have a joke where I'm like, I'm so tired of masturbating. It's like I'm 36. I feel like I'm running an errand. Sometimes I lie to myself, I pretend to be my own wife and I'm like, not tonight, honey. I'm a headache. Yeah. Well, our next caller, Olivia wanted to talk about an ex that's been texting her. So she says, dear Chelsea, I'm a 29 year old lesbian and I've been married to my wife for two years and I've known her for eight years. My problem is dealing with my first girlfriend who my dated 10 years ago. As you can imagine, your first girlfriend, as a woman, is very special. That said, my ex has continued to want a friendship with me. We made amends a couple years ago after she reached out to me wanting to restart our friendship. Knowing we were both in relationships, we all began hanging out. The more we hung out, the more I realized I felt weird hanging out with my ex and it got to the point where I needed to end our friendship. After a long day and night of drinking, I got the courage to tell her that the friendship was difficult for me and I didn't want any part of it. Well, my wife overheard the conversation and we haven't spoken to them since. I promised myself I wouldn't fall for the I miss you texts anymore and the friendship was over. My now wife and I got engaged a few months after the incident and we've been happily married for two years and are in the process of starting a family. I haven't thought twice about my ex until recently. I received a long text from my ex over two weeks ago and it was the standard I miss you with a sprinkle of where meant to be in each other's lives. The moment I read it, I got very angry and wanted to respond to tell her, please leave me alone, but I didn't and haven't. Now I feel like an asshole for ghosting. I want nothing to do with her but I'm not sure what to say. Olivia. Hi, Olivia. Hello. Hi, this is Mattea Elaine, our special guest today. Yes, hello. Hey, how are you? Good. Hi. I don't think there's anything wrong with you blowing off your ex. I mean, it's not appropriate anymore for you guys to have a relationship for it sounds like multiple reasons. Yeah, I agree. I just wasn't sure because there's that whole talk about ghosting people and it's like disrespectful. So I wasn't sure if I should at least just say something. I think it's disrespectful for her to not respect your boundaries. If you had to explain to her multiple times that you don't feel comfortable with the relationship with her and she's still sending you those messages, then you're allowed to ghost. I think ghosting is only rude if you've not communicated how you feel of that person and you have. So you don't need to say. It's actually not even ghosting. Ghosting is when you're in a conversation with somebody and all of a sudden they disappear without any explanation. Yeah. You've already given her an explanation, correct? Yes. So how many times do you want to repeat yourself? Can't you just block her at this point? Yeah, yeah. And I have like throughout the years, I would block and then unblock, you know, and that whole toxic thing, but. Well, that's stupid. Just block her and be done with it. Just block her and be done with it. Know her in your life. It's an ex girlfriend. They don't be sentimental about it. It's over. It doesn't work with your new relationship. That's more important in your life, right? Your new relationship. So fuck it. Don't worry. You don't owe her any explanation. You already told her. Tell, say, I'm done with you, Miracle Ear. That's your last text and then block her. I like how we're getting a very Natalie and Bruglia like music video. She's on the floor like. That's where everyone's so good looking that calls me. I have a while. Thank God. I keep saying that and it just sounds like worth bias. But no, I just can't believe how good looking everyone is. Yeah, we have. It's, I mean, you look great. But yeah, I think that you're just, you don't want to leave this situation with the impression of like, I'm a bad person, but you're not a bad person. But you also can't allow people to just walk over you if they text you. If you've explained how you feel and she doesn't respect that, you have every right to stop them from entering your life. Yeah. And it sounds like this, like the rekindling of the friendship stirred up some things and obviously like I caused a rift, like you talked about with your now wife. Do you want to talk a little bit about like the shame and stuff that that brought up for you? I know, especially today and talking about this whole thing. Yeah, yeah, I was like kind of even hard to connect to this call. I felt really shameful after it had happened just because you don't want someone who you love to kind of like over here this conversation that's so personal with someone who you're not in love with. But it's just kind of this like necessary conversation that needs to happen. And so yeah, I just was really embarrassed about it and we spoke about it. I went to therapy and got over that. And obviously we're married now and we're planning to have a family. And how many cats do you have? One. Okay. Well, you're gonna need to get another one. Yeah. Yeah. He won't like that. Yeah. Yeah. I just think you don't need to have any shame about this. I think you expressed yourself in understanding. No, I don't even understand what your shame is about towards you, your new wife for having the conversation with your ex girlfriend? No, the whole situation that happened with my ex and my wife over hearing the conversation. No, that's like so shame. Yeah, don't feel shame and don't self-immolate. Like everyone is so hard on themselves. You're married, you're happy, you have a cat. Go to the park, you know? Well, she's also giving way too much credit to her ex. It's enough already. Yeah, you need to, yeah, yeah, exactly. You can't manage her feelings and your wife's feelings and your feelings all at the same time. Especially when she's not respecting your wishes. Yeah, yeah. And there's a reason you're not with her and you're with your wife now, who's like someone who obviously loves and respects you. I think tonight in order to like get over some of these feelings, I think make your wife a really nice dinner, have a romantic evening. I think you need to just say I'm absolving myself of any negative feelings around this and just like have a wonderful candle at dinner tonight. Okay, okay, we'll do that, yeah. And play positive music. Yes, yeah, like Natalie and Brulia. All right, Olivia. Thank you so much. All right. Thank you all so much. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Was Olivia an Ecuador too? I think so. I told her, I'm like, these are lesbian problems. Like, lesbians all around. I know lesbians seem to definitely have different problems especially to gay men. Because lesbians are more of an agonist than gay guys, right? Oh, yeah. You know the joke, right? What? The standard joke. What does lesbians bring on a second date? Her apartment. Yeah, you all pretty much, but what does the gay bring on a second date? Oh, I don't know this part. What second date? I like that. Well, why don't we take a quick break and we'll be back. I have two kind of shorter questions, but there's some internet drama, a foot. Oh, okay. Oh, I'd like to, I like the usage of a foot. Okay, we'll be right back later in a minute with our feet. Hey, everybody. We know there are a ton of podcasts out there. Well, we have one we would love for you to check out. It is called the Pen Pals Podcast with Daniel Van Kirk and Rory Scoville. We are both stand-up comedians, we're actors, we're writers, but now most of all, we are your pen pals. Every single episode, we get two letters that we read from our listeners, our new pen pals. It can be about anything going on in their life and sometimes we're also joined by guests, like Will Ferrell. I'm going to bring you up in front of the group, and I'm going to punch you as hard as I can to stomach. Rose Byrne. This is West Hollywood. We keep clean. Judd Apatow. If you use like beats by Dre, is that considered Andy Maniwer? Conan O'Brien. I'm just showing you that my mind is quick if not that funny. And Mandy Moore. We're all crossing the line together. Listen to the Pen Pals Podcast on Will Ferrell's Big Money Players Network on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. Sincerely, your new pen pals, Daniel Van Kirk and Rory Scoville. Lies, exploitation, and the American Dream turned nightmare. This is Big Sugar, a deep dive into the inner workings of the sugar industry. I'm Celeste Headley, and in a new podcast, I'm investigating a true crime story like no other about the men who risked their lives to cut sugar cane. In Big Sugar, from I Heart Media, Imagine Audio, and the teams at Weekday Fun and Novel, I'll unravel a decade-long fight to get justice. If they were right, then these workers were owed tens of millions of dollars next to wages. I felt ashamed as an American. And the lengths people will go to hide the truth. The Sugar Lobby is one of the most powerful lobbies in the country. They have boatloads of money. Listen to Big Sugar on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. On the best podcast ever, with Raven and Miranda, you'll hear, well, the best podcast ever. Join Raven Simone and her partner Miranda Mayday as they let the wheel of words determine the topic of that week's show. Every episode will spin a wheel of random words from things like animosity to something like Dodiac and whatever it lands on. That's what we're going to talk about for around an hour. Think we can't do it? Well, then you've never heard us talk. Each week, Raven and Miranda and celebrity guests like Demi Lovato, Kiki Palmer, and Megan Trainor will spin the fateful wheel, and then the conversation will begin. Also, we're going to have a ton of amazing guests because you don't want to just hear us to all the time do. Yes, you do. And somehow, we're going to start with something like Spiderman and end with, well, when was your last nervous breakdown? Listen to the best podcast ever, with Raven and Miranda on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And we're back! We're back. Katie says... Katie says... Katie, this is Katie correct. She calls in almost every week. Is it really Katie correct? She does love you. She loves you very much. No, it's not Katie. You're lost my mind. It's just as dear Chelsea. My name's Katie. I'm 26 years old. My husband had less than a year, and I met in 2016, and three months later, I was pregnant with our now almost five-year-old son. We were very toxic for a long time. He has issues with substance abuse, and I had untreated mental illness. It was a recipe for disaster. We broke up for two years, and then in 2020, we ended up getting back together with a mutual understanding and agreement that we would consciously engage in a healthy relationship. A big thing for me is trust, and part of trust, to me, is having access to each other's phones. Not in the type of way that I obsessively go through his phone, but I want to know the password. Before we were married, I had my own fingerprint on his phone, and he knows the password to mine, and we both had full access to each other's phones. Then one day, after we were married, he decided to change his password and remove my fingerprint. He still has access to my phone. He says he has nothing to hide, and as far as I know, he's never cheated on me. But even if I pick up his phone, he immediately grabs it from me. It bothers me. It makes me feel like he's got something to hide. I wouldn't even have a desire to look at it if I didn't feel like he was hiding something from me. What should I do? Just keep going as if nothing's wrong? Or should I make this a big deal? Katie. My opinion is. I hate when people look through each other's phones. I find that to be so stupid. I think that your phone is your own business, and to want to go through someone else's phone is unhealthy. And insecure. And yes, it's troubling that he now doesn't want you to go through his phone after he's given you carte blanche access to it up until now. So then there's that side too, where it's like, yeah, it does sound like he's up to something. And at the same time, I hate when people go through each other's phones. It's just such small behavior. So I don't know what to say to that. I don't know. I mean, yeah, he does that. Why would he change her fingerprint all of a sudden and then jump every time she grabs the phone? That is kind of a red flag. So now that the Pandora's box has been opened, yeah, you got to find out what he's up to. But I would also say to anyone who's listening, do not start a relationship where you have access to each other's phones. Why is that necessary? You're starting out of mistrust. That is, you're always going to find something you don't like. He could be doing something as stupid as watching porn and he doesn't want you to see that. It could be very normal porn. I mean, Fran and I have access to each other's phones. We know each other's passwords. And I might grab his phone to look something up on the internet if mine is not nearby and he is fine with that. To me, I'm sort of like, if there's not an issue, if there's nothing to hide, why not? Why the need to hide it? But I don't know, I guess people can be embarrassed about things that are not red flags. You know what, you're probably right, Chelsea. I think it might just be something small like porn. You know, I doesn't necessarily, not everything has to lead to their cheating on me. But it sounds like she has a little bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy. Exactly. She wants him to be cheating on her and to make and to meet that end. And I don't know if that's her enjoying the drama or she likes, she hasn't dealt with any trauma or whatever that is if you're trying to replace something and get to a point where that's where you end up because I think that does happen. But it's another element of control. Like looking through someone's phone, wanting to know who they're talking to and what they're doing at every second of the day is not your fucking business unless you're signing these twins. Like that is not your business. And like you need autonomy as people because you're not attached to someone. You can be in a relationship with somebody but that doesn't mean you own that person and you can control that person's behavior or thoughts. The whole point of being in a relationship is you're bringing two people together. So I just think like starting a relationship out like that way with the, you have my exes to my phone and I've exes to your phone. Like, it's so dumb. Yeah, it's very childish. Like if you want to help through my phone, look through it. But you're going to find something that's going to piss you off if you're that fucking paranoid in the first place. Right. Like I don't have a desire to go through his phone or like look in his Instagram DMs or his text messages because I'm not worried about it. More on that later. Anyway, I mean, I guess we helped you, but I don't know, honey. So I, but I would, yeah, I guess find out now that you've find out what is it, what's in there. So you think she should like try to get out? Yeah, I guess. Yeah, they're married, right? Like, yeah. I just want to know now just for curiosity. So she can report back and let us know what she didn't find. Katie, let us know about the clown porn that you find. It's going to be like the Al Capone. Like they found his like that. They opened that door and there was nothing inside. Do you remember that in the 80s? They were like, oh my god, we found Al Capone's like hideaway. What's going to be inside? They had all these cameras live TV. They opened it up empty. But we always assume there's something on the other side of that door. Yes. And it's just boring porn. Well, our last question today comes from D slightly similar question. You're Chelsea. Recently, my boyfriend of one year took me to the store because he said he had a surprise for me. He led me to the bathing suit section and said he wanted to buy me a new bikini. He said he had a specific one in mind. He then explained he had seen it on Facebook on a woman he went to high school with. And the style of bikini really made him think of me. Then he proceeds to pull up a picture of this gorgeous woman who looks about 25 years old with huge boobs and a tiny waist. He casually says that she's single and always posts selfies. He hasn't talked to her in ages, but thought he could reach out to her and see where she got the suit. I could see the message quickly as he scrolled through the pics of the scantily clad babe. He complimented her by saying she looked great and then asked where she got the bikini because he'd like to buy one for his girlfriend. I'm sorry at what point when she was writing this did she not say to herself I can save myself the time and break up them. The bikini was pretty basic and just FYI I am in my 40s and my boyfriend is in his 50s. This woman went to high school with him. Kudos to her for aging gracefully or using filters. Anyway, I thanked him for the surprise, but it still rubbed me the wrong way. What is yours and cabinets take on this? I'm curious, sincerely D. Yeah, no, D. He sounds like a total toolbox. The whole story is so stupid and so convoluted. Yes, I was going to say it's convoluted. The fact that he's like this girl that was a high school with an eyesore. But I thought about you, but I thought we should go to this story and it's like what? She's got a bikini and so I DMed her and texted her. Where did you get your bikini? Because I want to get one for my girlfriend. Sounds like he's trying to hook up with that girl. Yeah. It's what he's doing. But like I don't know what he have been that open with her about it. It's all just so dumb. Like, you don't need the same exact fucking bikini. There are a million bathing suits out there that would be. And it's similar to whatever. And it sounds like he's digging himself out of a hole. Yeah. Like he's giving way too much explanation. All he had to do was without her by the bikini and say, you know what? Yes. I think you would look really hot in this. Yeah. And move it along. You don't have to say this girl went to high school with an eyesore. And I think she'd be like, what? You're insane. I don't know if it's break up a little bit like this guy sounds like a dummy. It's not a dummy. No, it's not like, oh, but he just sounds like such a, yeah, like a dumbass. Like a douche. Yeah. I mean, men are so stupid sometimes. I mean, it's just a bear. Sometimes. It's embarrassing. Well, I'm just trying to give them some credit. Oh, please. Well, now that we've solved that, well, that was easy as pie. Yeah. I don't think we really fucking helped anybody today. But no heavy lifting over here. We maybe broke Readsheart. I do feel a little bad about that, but what are you going to do? In Ecuador. In Ecuador. We didn't do anything. His boyfriend who's in South Korea fucking everyone that moves is the one of us. He's 24 years old. He's going to be fine. He's going to be great way before he knows it. Yeah. Okay. Well, thanks for being here again today, Mateo. Thank you so much for having me. Mateo and I are going to go eat some food now. I'm going to take him to lunch as a reward for being on the podcast. Bye, guys. We'll see you next week. Bye. Thank you. If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email at deerchelsiepodcast at gmail.com. And be sure to include your phone number. deerchelsie is edited and engineered by Brad Dickard, executive producer Katherine Law. And be sure to check out our merch at ChelseaHandler.com. On the best podcast ever with Raven and Miranda, join Raven Simone and her partner Miranda Mayday. As they and celebrity guests like Demi Lovato and Meghan Trainor engage in unusual conversations. Every episode will spin a wheel of random words from things like animosity to something like zodiac and whatever it lands on. That's what we're going to talk about for around an hour. Think we can do it? Well, then you've never heard us talk. Listen to the best podcast ever with Raven and Miranda on the iHeartRadio app Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, everybody. Are you ready for a brand new podcast that you had no idea existed? I'm Roy Scovol. And I'm Daniel van Kirk and it's the pen pals podcast. Maybe you've had a pen pal before where you have two of them right now. You send us your letters about anything going on in your life. Got a mean grandma? Need a new haircut? Whatever it is? Send it to us and we have guests like Will Ferrell, Andy Sandberg, Rose Byrne, Brett Goldstein, and Mandy Moore. Listen to the pen pals podcast on Will Ferrell's Big Money Players Network on the iHeartRadio app. Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Lies, exploitation, and the American dream turned nightmare. This is Big Sugar, a deep dive into the inner workings of the sugar industry. I'm Celeste Headley and in a new podcast, I'm investigating a true crime story like no other about the men who risked their lives to cut sugar cane. From iHeart Media, I'll unravel a decades-long fight to get justice. Listen to Big Sugar on the iHeartRadio app Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Thanks for watching.

Meeting Men at Airports with Matteo Lane