Become the Parent You Want to Be with Dr. Becky Kennedy

Hi, this is Melissa Wood-Teperberg and this is the Move With Heart podcast. Are you ready? Yeah. Just breathe it all in. I want to talk. I can't lie. I was like, it's going to be short, sweet, and very spicy. And we're going to get right into it because apparently some of you are going to talk too much. To everyone out there, whether you are a parent or not, Dr. Becky Kennedy gives us so much tangible advice and incredible takeaways to help us during challenging times and not just with our children, but in life. I think my biggest awakening during our conversation is that her work is something that can really heal and help us with our own inner child. It really awakens something in me. She is a clinical psychologist, a number one New York Times bestselling author of Good Inside. She is the CEO and founder of Good Inside, a mom of three. And she's a powerhouse. This woman shares things in a way that really opens your eyes. And it left me feeling really hopeful. And I hope that's something that you can all take away from this. Parenting in life is hard as hell, but she has a profound way of making a shift the way that we are experiencing things and to repair anything in our life. It's so nice to have you, Dr. Becky, and I'm just honored to really just have you take time away from your insanely busy life to be here and to just shed all of your wisdom. Please help us all because anytime I talk about anything with my children, everyone's like, you need to have Dr. Becky on. Well, thank you. It is so nice to be here. Such an honor. Love connecting with you outside of spaces like this. So so excited to be in the same room. Can you take me back? Because I feel like for someone like yourself who works just tirelessly on sharing advice on all things, just where this all started for you. Like where did this spark happen? And what got you into this work? Yeah, so I'm a clinical psychologist and I trained in grad school working with both kids and adults. So I would do play therapy. I would do kind of adult therapy. And I found myself with the kids really being drawn more to working with their parents in like a parent session than the play therapy itself. And I'm a huge believer in play therapy for kids. But for me, particularly, I kept thinking every hour this kid is not with me in the therapy room, which was every hour usually but one week at most. They're with their parents. And I've always been really driven by impact more than anything else. I was like, I just feel like I would have more impact on the kid if I could make headway with the parent. And I always tell parents, and I really believe it. I don't ever think kids' problems are a parent's fault. I do think as the leader of the family system it is their responsibility to figure out how to help the child. So I started really liking that parent work. At the same time, I was doing adult therapy. And then in my private practice, many years later, I was working with only adults really, either in therapy. They'd come for their own therapy or they'd come to me because they were looking for help with their kids. And as I was doing more of this parenting work, I was like, okay, I want to get more training and learn the most important things to learn. And so I went to the place that was the gold standard for parenting work. And at the time, I didn't think much about it. But it really was all timeouts and punishments and sticker charts and rewards and ignoring and praise and essentially systems of behavioral control. And at first, I really did like it because I think it lights up the left part of your brain, which is all about logic and linearity. It's just like I'm an extinguished the bad and get more of the good. And I don't know if somehow you raised kids that way. But then there was this session with parents in my practice where they came to me. Their kid was like having a lot of behavioral issues, hitting, things like that. And I heard myself telling them how to give a timeout. Okay, I'm gonna teach you how to give a timeout appropriately. And here's how you do it. And then truly, and I feel like you'll appreciate this. Something very powerful happened inside my body. I still remember it. And it was just this feeling of like this is like not it. Like this is not it. This is completely at odds with everything I know helps adults change their life. This feels wrong. And I know there's a lot of quote evidence space for things like that. And I completely love evidence, I love science. But to start with, I was like, well, I have like evidence in my body that this is like not right. And I'm not saying that's more powerful, but it was something. It's powerful. Exactly. And I ended up pausing. I couldn't even get it all out to them. And they were like, are you okay? And I was just like this is gonna be really awkward. But I don't believe anything I'm telling you. I literally said this. And the couple said, you were like highly recommended. By like a lot of people, I was like, I'm so sorry. They're like, can we have our money back? I was like, definitely. Like that's the least I can do. Do you want to come back in a few weeks? Like I have a lot to think about. And they were like, I don't know why you think we'd come back to you. And they didn't, you know, because it was like a very odd session. But truly what happened in the weeks after? I thought I was like, this is not the way you actually teach kids skills for life. We are raising a generation. We are raising generation after generation after generation of kids, you know, based on control, based on punishment, based on fear. And then it's no wonder we have generation after generation of adult who feels empty and anxious and awful about themselves. And I just remember thinking, if I took everything I know helps adults rewire their bodies and change their lives and just kind of reverse engineered it to the parents raising kids. Our kids are all going to solve issues. But they might be smaller issues, right? And that's really what I set out to do. Wow. That's amazing. So how do you, like where do you start with someone on the rewiring? Because I know for myself with MWH, that's what it's all about. People come to MWH to look a certain way and they want and I'm like, that's why I always say this actually isn't about building this body you desire. This is about building this stronger relationship with yourself. And it's through that unlearning, learning new systems and then applying them. So I think, I mean, I feel like I could just go on and on. I'm like, I think I'm doing it all wrong. No, I think you and I, we've said this, like we do so many of the same things. I love connecting with so many women where I always say, we're actually trying to do the same things for people. We just all have different specialties where we do it. But we're trying to help people feel like the best version of themselves take up more space, live in more alignment with their values, right? And like in parenting and in wellness and how they move their bodies in so many different ways we can do that. And I think one place I would say, I don't know, is where to start, but I think a powerful idea that helps adults kind of rewire shift. It's just the knowledge that everything we struggle with in adulthood was an adaptation in childhood, which is one of the reasons I hate diagnosis as a psychologist. Like if diagnosis helps people understand themselves and validates the reality, then that's amazing. That's helpful. But to some degree, I've always found diagnosis very pathologizing. Like here's your problems and I'm going to, you know, they have a name, but symptoms in adulthood all were former adaptations that no longer work for you in adulthood, true, but started out in like trying to be really, really helpful, right? And so even when I think about what you do and the way people blame themselves and shame themselves for not working out or being fit, right? They distance themselves from their uncomfortable feelings and they're like, I can't start a routine. Well, just the knowledge, like wait, even self-blamed to some degree, at some point, it must have been adaptive for me to try to explain my struggles to myself in that way. Maybe no one else explained it to me in a different way, right? And so just that idea that we're never trying to work against ourselves, like we are animals. We are driven by evolution. And so the things that no longer work for us today at some point did and starting to look at them with that curiosity and almost even appreciation for their role in the past makes change so much more possible. That's such a great perspective because I think that is what stands in all of our way. Yes, of moving forward to... I don't even think it's like autocorrect, but it's to just shift the way that you're doing that thing day after day. And I do want to, I mean, I feel like I'm having like my own self-reflection just talking to you and hearing the things that you're sharing because I will tell you honestly that I do parent a little off rewarding behavior and maybe some fear and maybe some punishment. So I think that that is what drew me to you because I was like, interesting because I feel like a lot of that maybe works for me but I'm like, but does it? And let me say there's no one right way to do things. And probably the same way you say too. It's all about helping people feel like, okay, the way I'm showing up especially with something as important as my kids actually makes sense to me. It's not just something I'm doing because generations have done it or because someone said that's the right way. It actually like feels right and I think it's also good for my kids, right? And I think we've been fed a narrative that like parenting through fear and control. Most people don't say that. It's more like through timeouts or punishments or rewards is what kids need. Like we're told that over and over and this is a broader topic. This is actually what drives everything I do. Really a good inside is just is how messed up it is that this is the most important job we'll ever have. Someone said to me recently they're like, it's the only job you care about in your deathbed. And I was like, that's dark. But I think that's probably true. I mean, I wouldn't know. But I think you look back being like parenting my child. That's what I'll reflect about. It's so hard. It's so important. It's so impactful in the world. And it's really the only job we're given. Zero resources for zero zero. And I think as women were told in many ways there's a maternal instinct. And so not only you given zero resources, you're also given the narrative that if you don't feel good about it, like you're just doing a bad job or you're missing something. That is, I always think like if my friend was a surgeon and they're like brain surgery was so hard today. And I'm so bad at my surgeon job. And I like poked around and I was like, oh, you never went to school for that? You don't have any mentors. I don't think you're bad. You just like, you weren't really set up for success. You know, like that's what I would say. And if you want to feel better believing in yourself isn't going to be it. Like you probably deserve to have resources because that is a very challenging job, right? And so the fear and punishment stuff, like the timeouts and all that. First of all for anyone listening, I should say like we all need to watch that like, oh no, I messed up my kid forever. Oh no, like I guess I've Dr. Becky thinks I've messed it all up. No, there's no such thing as messing it all up. There's no such thing as ruining your kid forever. And in anything in life, it's brave to entertain a new idea because it might conflict with something you've held before that requires resilience to like even tolerate. So that's the space this conversation is. It's just entertaining, any idea. There's a couple of issues I think with the system of like timeouts and rewards and things like that, right? I think number one, I don't think anyone operating from that place even thinks that our kids are actually learning the skills they need for life. So like if my kid didn't swim and I was like, go to your room and tell you can swim. I feel like anyone would look at me and be like, what do you think they're doing in their room? Like how are they learning to swim in their room? Like are they Googling it? Are they practicing it at a training pool? Like what are they doing, right? And if you think about a kid who hits or says I hate you, that's a behavior on the surface, kind of like flailing in the pool as a behavior. The issue isn't that my kid is flailing in the pool. The issue is that they don't have the skill to swim, right? The issue isn't that my kid's hitting. It's that they don't have the skill to manage anger. The issue isn't that they say I hate you. The issue is that they don't have the skill to manage disappointment, right? And I can either intervene at the behavioral level, go away or punish you for not having the right behavior. Or in my mind, I can intervene as any coach would intervene, which is like some version of like, well, it's not okay. And back in my head, like in the next couple days, like I actually do have to teach you a skill you didn't have in the first place. Or else like there's just no way that behavior could change, right? That makes so much sense. So please God help us all in teaching them the skills so that we don't feel like we have to punish because we feel bad for punishments. Totally. And I think we punish our kids often, like go to your room and know I've had for the week or whatever we say. First that's it. Most of them know I've had for the week. I just want to say once for all, the only person that punishes is yourself. That's so true. Then that night, what did I say that? I know. And then you make up random shit. You're like, well, I said no. But I really meant hearing yourself and you're like, this is not a good leadership system. True, right? And the truth is these punishments, like what I would say to anyone is like, they're not from a place of leadership. We say them because we're desperate. And like any CEO of a company, like can you imagine employee kind of being unruly and be like, no lunch for a week? Everyone's like, wow, Melissa, that's the best you've got. Like that doesn't inspire. That's a good point. Like, so if we even break that down, let's say, I don't know, should we jump into hitting where I hate you? Which is more relevant. I think hitting, hitting, yes. So hitting comes from a number of places. But at the core, underneath behavior is always emotion, thoughts, or urges, always. Behavior is like the tip of an iceberg. And underneath are all the things that made the iceberg big enough that it surfaced at the tip. But the thing about the iceberg, even that image, it's interesting, even if we just go to like, no more hitting, go to your room, the iceberg remains. In some ways, the waters are now more dangerous because you don't even know what's going on. But the issue is the same, right? And so let's take hitting. So number one, what I would say to parents, this is true, even if your kid is not hitting, is it's really important to understand our two jobs as parents. To me, we have two jobs. And just like you would never give someone a job at your office without giving them a job description. Like, you can never expect someone to do a job well if they don't know what their job is. Well, as parents would actually say, like, yeah, I don't really know what my job is. What is my job? It's just kidding. So what clarity matters? And it's to set boundaries to keep your kid safe and to validate their underlying experience to really help them build regulation, right? So boundaries and validation, both of those. The first thing you have to do when a kid hits is really have firmer boundaries, which is not, we don't hit stop hitting. That is not a boundary. A boundary is something you tell someone you will do and it requires the other person to do nothing. That is relevant in our marriage in laws telling someone to stop is not requiring them to do nothing. It's actually, it's a request, but asking a kid to stop hitting when they're showing you they can't stop hitting is an effective request because they're out of control. I would go to my side and be like, I will not let you hit stop and we don't can always be replaced by, I won't let you. And those words matter because it's kind of like, I won't let you, I was like, I'm the adult here. I'm not gonna let you self-destruct. I'm not gonna let you hurt other people. And then the second part in the moment is some version of like, oh, you really wanted that block or you're really disappointed. It's like I'm validating something underneath and some version of, it's okay to want that block. It's okay to be mad and I'm gonna help you find another way to express that, right? And then going to the skill part, this is what I always think. So my kid's gonna be in that situation again. They're gonna want their friends block. Let's say that's what it is. What literal skill would they need to have in their body so that the next time they're jealous or upset, they would be able to tolerate that feeling instead of have it explode out of them in a hit. So I don't know, I might out of the moment, say to my kid, we're gonna practice. Literally, I'm gonna have blocks over here. And when you see me take your block, what I want you to do is I want you to move your body away from me and I just want you to say, oh, that stinks and I can deal with it. Or oh, can I have that block? Something. And then I'll actually practice it in my kid. This doesn't take hours. And I know parents are always like, Dr. Becky, that's gonna take a lot of time. And I'm sure you see the same thing with wellness. Like we spend time preparing or we spend time reacting and we spend a lot more time reacting. So like, yeah, it takes a total of 45 seconds. Maybe a minute and a half, but the minutes and hours we spend, my kid's hitting and we do the time out, we take their iPad away and then we don't take the iPad away and then it happens again. And then we feel guilty. It's way longer. It is. Way longer. So you're teaching them to communicate. Yes. And I think a big idea about feelings which are always underlying behaviors is we can't ever regulate feelings. We don't allow ourselves to have. You can only regulate a feeling that you allow yourself to have. And kids actually need to hear from parents that they're allowed to have feelings in order to regulate those feelings. So actually saying to a kid, of course you want that block, you're mad. Or yeah, it makes sense that your jealous of your sister, I did just take her out to dinner without you. Helps a kid manage jealousy way better than when we say, oh, come on, can't you be happy for your sister? Can't you just wait for that block? Because in some ways what my kid hears is not that it's not okay to hit. They really hear, I guess I'm not supposed to, feel that way, right? So separating, I always say feelings and behaviors. All feelings get a yes. Some behaviors get a no. But for all behaviors that get a no, there's actually always an underlying feeling that can get a yes. And that actually, like isn't soft, like people like, isn't that, no, it's not soft. It's simply effective. Like it's simply science that if you want kids to manage the feelings, so that those feelings don't come out in behaviors, you have to validate the feelings and teach them how to manage that feeling. You can't get rid of the feelings. It's just not an option on the table. It's just all connecting. I'm like light bulbs going off. It's crazy to think because when I go back to my childhood, I'm like, I had no boundaries and I definitely did not how to regulate my emotions, which is what I believe led to recovering hitter. Like can unfortunately own that, that was how I dealt with a lot of really elevated emotions in my life. Yeah, well, another visual I think is powerful is our feelings are forces. They're forces. And so feelings that we don't learn to tolerate in our body, come out of our bodies for our extremities. They literally come out in our words, in our hits, in our kicks, in a kid's bite, right? And the answer isn't you're a bad kid. The answer is you're a good kid who's having a hard time. And so I'm gonna help you because like I want to help you do better, right? Not, the other one was when you punish kids beyond them, never learning anything. Again, I'm like, I don't know what kid when they get punished for hitting his Googling. What can I do the next time I'm jealous at my sister? Like they're just upset in their room and feeling angry. That's just right. But our kids really do pick up on how we look at them in their hard times. Just like we know how people look at us in our hard times. And you know whether someone's looking at you, like you're a bad person doing bad things or a good person having a hard time. And our kids completely pick up on our gaze. And that's actually how they wrap their identity. That's how they build their identity, right? Based on how we look at them, right? And so intervening with like a lot of punishments, go to your room. And some ways a kid does receive our reflection over and over like I'm a bad kid. And then we can't expect kids who feel like bad kids to act in good ways. It's just like there's not how their identity is being built. Right. But stepping in with boundaries first and then skill building really does say like I see the good inside you. And so I'm gonna help bring it out. And again, like feel shame check. I have sent my kids to their room. I have, of course, I don't want to, but I have those moments too. I'm like go to your room and my husband's like, we're off. I don't know if that's something you recommend. I'm like you go to your room too. Like everyone leave my face, right? And then we repair, we do all the things. So this is Dr. Becky speaking like with these ideas, my kids have Becky like as a parent, like they do not have Dr. Becky. Thank goodness, that would be creepy. And so we all do things out of desperation and we're triggered. And to me the goal is like we end up having more resources and more support over time to just a little bit more often act in a way that not only feels better for our kids, I think it ends up feeling more right and better to us too. It feels very like judgment free. It's more such a moment of reflection and observation of like how we do things and I'm thinking about this moment where I want to say what child's, but one of my children had an explosive tantrum on the street. I did not know what to do. I was mortified, people were videoing us. I wanted to crawl in a hole and there was kicking, pulling my hair, smacking me, that's never happened before if they didn't give it they wanted. And then it turned into this. I have to get you out of the store immediately before this ticking time bomb goes off and then it went off and it went off all the way from deep in the West Village to go and it was, I was mortified. Wanna walk through it? Yes. Okay, so first of all, I've had those moments too with my kid. You have. I really mean that's like people say tantruming is normal. I would really stand by tantruming is healthy. It worries me more kids who never have tantrums and kids who have big tantrums. It really does. Okay. And this could connect to so many bigger things that you and I could talk about, but what a tantrum really is is a kid wanting something and not having it. It's a kid wanting something and then that kid being stopped in some ways from getting it usually because we say no. That's like 99% of the time what it is, right? And then after a kid basically saying, I want something, I'm not getting it and I still really know that I want it. It's just like a ball of desire. That's what it is. And I think we know as adults, wanting something and not having it is one of the hardest human experiences. One of the hardest, it stinks. Whether you want that bagel at the store and they're like, oh, we're out. Or you want, they're in a different house and you see your friend have it. And you're like, oh, we can't get that for a million reasons. Right, whatever it is, like wanting and not having is always hard. And yet I think what most adult women really struggle with is we've completely distanced ourselves from desire and we don't even know what we want anymore. We don't even have access to desire because most of us when we were growing up, wanting something is very inconvenient for a parent because you've gone through. Yes. And the more you punish a kid and send them away, what they learn isn't tantrums are wrong. They really learn when I want things, it threatens my relationships. And so many women learn that early on and they became good girls who in adulthood are like trying to like, re-access who they are. And so when I think about this child on the street and what I think is so healthy about tantrums, even though definitely I think there's the work we need to do to help our kids manage, a kid is like, I know what I want. Like I almost picture like someone has my daughter in those moments, like almost like, how many of you women still know what you want? Like, okay, I'm causing a scene, but at least, at least I know what I want, right? And that's so healthy. And the answer isn't for people to stop wanting things. It's to actually learn how to want and not have. And yes, that comes deeply down to boundaries, right? Okay, so let's say I'm to make this up, but you're on the street or you're in the store, a store is a perfect example. Kids like, I don't know, you're buying a birthday present for a friend and you tell your kid we're not buying you anything and you know, they're in a toy store. It doesn't go over. Exactly, and you're like, no, right? But that moment, parents avoid, I always say to parents, like it was all right to pass it for all my kids. Like go into the toy store, picking up toys for other kids, not getting them. First two times, always a tantrum. Third time a little better by the fourth time, like they're practicing that experience, right? So let's say you're in the toy store and you're buying the present for your cousin and your kids like, oh, can I get this toy? And you're like, oh, right. I think about those two worlds, you really want that toy. Sweetie, we're not going to buy you a toy today. I know that's so annoying and we got to go to the register. Kids don't say like, thank you for your beautiful parenting. No, they're like, have a meltdown, right? And I think the key thing when your kid is a huge tantrum is just remembering, my job is not to stop this tantrum. The more you focus on stopping a tantrum, the more your kid just feels like you're scared of them. And it gets worse. And it gets worse because then their fear, they're scared and overwhelmed. And they're like, my parent is scared of me. So if you're scared and you see other people looking at you scared, they feel it from us, right? So when you remind yourself, I don't have to stop this. It reminds yourself like, I'm not scared of this thing. That's turbulence. Like I always say, I'm the pilot. What would a pilot pilot have to go through turbulence? Good pilots don't always have smooth skies. They just don't become the turbulence, right? So what would I do with my kid? Sounds like something like you would do. I'd pick them up if they were, you know, you could see it happening. Something like, hey, this is a really hard moment. The buying is not happening. And I think I said this to you right before we started. I will sometimes say to my kids, and they need to hear this and not in a mean taunting way. So I'll model it. Not like, I'm not scared of you're crying. I don't like me like this. I'm like, sweetie, I'm not scared of you're crying. You could cry. I will pick you up. I'll buy a present another day. I am not scared of that like that. And like, I can't even tell you how many parents tell me that is like the single most holding line for their kids. I'm holding that. It's literally like their kids are like, they watch their kids like, absorb that. Right? Now, again, nothing's magic. It's not like a kid hears that. And you're like, oh, I will now walk out very nicely from the store. No, but they have their moment. And essentially what you do is just hold that boundary. You carry them. There's not much you're going to say in that moment. That's going to make it better. You know, I think actually what matters more is what you say to yourself. Ignore the other people. I have a good kid having a hard time. Sometimes I say that to my kid during a tantrum. You're a good kid having a hard time and I'm taking a home. Or another line that I think's really powerful during a massive tantrum, if I'm like holding their wrist while they're trying to hit, it's just my number one job is to keep you safe. Right now, safety means holding your feet. So you don't kick me or someone else. My number one job is to keep you safe. And right now, safety means picking you up from the Twitter floor and carrying you out and getting through the streets until we get home, right? And I think that's the thing. I hear a lot from parents like I validate the emotions. I love validating emotions. That matters so much, but validating emotions without holding really firm boundaries. That is an incomplete parenting strategy. That is not teaches them nothing. It's like as detrimental as like in some ways in a different way as setting them away and not validating their emotions. Because yes, it helps for a kid to hear. You're so mad, but like a kid hearing, you're so mad, you're so upset. Okay, I'll buy you that toy. Or you're so mad, stop hitting. We don't hit. Meanwhile, the kid keeps like smacking his sister. Oh yeah, I've seen that. They're like, is there an adult here to like help me? You know, like it's really unnerving. And in that way, kids become very scared of their own emotions because they watch them over power don't surround them. And they're like, wow, this thing really is as toxic as I thought it was. That's exactly what happened. It was that like flip of. Yeah, I'm so sorry. Like I can tell you, I don't think I handled it right. I mean, I was internally dying. Yes. But I just kept pushing this so I was like, get me. I think you probably did handle a lot of here. Just like you're no one. I often get these questions from people. It's like, okay, Dr. Becky, tell me what to do. Like I have one kid who is like really having a tantrum in me. I have another kid who is like taking permanent marker and like drawing it on the wall. And then my baby is crying. The crib, what do I do? And I'm like, you think I know what to do? That is an impossible situation. Like you get through it. The best you can, you survive. Hopefully then you restore and whatever way you find restore. Right. And you tell yourself a new day starts tomorrow. Like that's what I'm going to do. That's it. You push that scroll or you're like, I'm just getting home. Just getting home. Just let me get into the privacy of my own home and then you call a friend at night and like reconnect your kid. When their body can like actually hear you. That's the best we do. No one wins there. I love seeds DS01 daily sinbiotic. 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It promotes digestive health to support healthy regularity and ease of floating. It reinforces healthy stool hydration and ease of evacuation and you know what? I know that we may not always want to talk about that but it is so important and something that we all need to talk about. We have a 30% off code for you. You can visit seed.com slash MWH30 and use code MWH30 to redeem 30% off your first month of seeds DS01, daily symbiotic. That's seed.com slash MWH30 and use code MWH30. I know with that you recently did a TED talk that we'll be coming out. Hopefully, right in time with this on something that I am really, I would say actively, I've been working on in my adult life with my parents is repairing. Anything that, you know, I think just maybe didn't feel right or something you look back on and you think a lot about. And I know even for myself in that situation with a tantrum or maybe handling any sort of conflict between siblings in a way that I feel that after. How do you move forward so that we're not completely effing up for children? Dr. Becky, please teach us all how to not have up for kids and ourselves. This is my like all time favorite topic and really when parents say to me, what is the one parenting strategy I should focus on if you're going to distill it into like the top thing, I always say the same thing and it is it's repair. It's like get good at repair. And I always think there's something so hopeful about getting good at repair because if you think about what it means to get good at repair, you can only repair for something you kind of messed up. And so if you're getting good at repair, it means like messing up is just built in because like you can't even practice repair if you're supposed to get good at it if you don't mess up. And so the whole idea of perfect parenting is like out the door, out the door, right? So no one is a perfect parent. I'm not a perfect parent. You're not a perfect parent. There's no such thing. And that's just because we're all human. We all have triggers. We all have issues that come up. And so what I think parents focus so much on in terms of like am I effing up my kids? Is they think about the event? Okay, I know it's meant like they like I but I yelled at my kid but I called my kid a spoiled brat. Maybe someone not thinking spoiled brat. Like if that's for example, like I called my kid way worse than that, right? Okay, so they think about the event. Events in of themselves don't mess up people. That's actually not what trauma is either. Trauma isn't an event that happens to someone. It's how an event gets processed. It's actually feeling alone after an event that is harmful to people way more than the event itself. Now certain events have more potential to be very, very emotional, but it's still not the event. It's how the event gets processed and how alone someone feels with all the feelings that come up in relation to the event. So let's say the example of, oh, I call my kid a spoiled brat and I was like, go to your room and why can't you be more like your sister and a lot of other horrible things and now my kid's alone in the room. And I'm alone in the kitchen just feeling like a horrible human. And I'm like, I messed up my kid forever. If anyone saw me, oh my goodness, like I'm such a monster, right? And the interesting things that we just pause that moment is like, first of all, not too late. But again, we're really in our head about the event. When actually the power is in our hands, we're like, okay, that was not great, but like no damage is done, like the repair that we can do after an event. Really is the thing that really minimizes the impact. We're so worried about, but because we're so blaming ourselves, we like forget that. We're like so on our own stuff that we end up missing out on that opportunity. And like teaching people how to do that to me is everything, right? So I think another way to think about it is like we often think that chapter of our kid's story is like done, like I messed them up. I just see these horrible things. Repair gives us the opportunity to truly write a different ending to the chapter. So the event is maybe part of the chapter, but it's not the title of the chapter. It's not like I'm a horrible parent who yelled at my kid, but the chapter cannot be, I yelled at my kid, and then we ended up having this different conversation and I maybe even learned something new and I have an area to grow like, wow, like what an amazing chapter in your life story, right? So there's two real parts to repair and I think no one ever talks about the first and the first is key to doing the second. You can't repair with your kid or anyone else until you've actually repaired with yourself. If you're holding yourself in such blame and shame, I'm a horrible person, you can even picture it so singular. I'm so focused in on myself. I can't even see my kid. Look, it's not even about them anymore. I've like forgotten that they're in their room because I'm just blaming myself. And to me, the key to repair, especially with yourself, is separating who you are from what you did. This is actually the essence of good inside in general. It's like, I have a good kid who hit, rather than the hit making me think I have a bad kid, right? Is separating identity from behavior? But all of us really fail to do in our hard moments is we use a behavior and all of a sudden we think that's who we are. Instead of being like, oh, I'm a good person who did this thing, right? It's like a part of us, not all of us. So being able to say to yourself, like, okay, Becky, like, yes, I yelled at my kid. I'm a good mom who is having a hard time. I'm a good mom who yelled, right? Being able to separate those two is key. And then you actually really do feel like a little release in your body at some point from separating that. And just for anyone worried, like, that doesn't let you off the hook. I always think it's like an interesting phrase. Like, if you want to let yourself off the hook for a behavior not proud of blame yourself because like, you'll actually be so stuck in shame that you can't change. So actually, it leaves you on the hook for change to separate those things because now I can reflect about it. And then you should go to your kid. Whether it's that night could be a week later, you know, and to me, there's three main elements in repair. Just name what happened. Take responsibility. I'll go over that for the hard part, because I want to be like, you know, if you didn't do this thing, I wouldn't, that is not count, does not count. So name what happened, take responsibility, and really say what you do differently the next time. Right? So I might say to my son, hey, a couple of days ago, I've really yelled at you in the kitchen. Probably felt scary. It's never your fault when I yell, which is true. Even if my kid is something to work on, nobody makes us yell. Yeah, it's not a thing. And, you know, I'm working on managing my frustration. So even when I'm frustrated with you, I can express it in a way that still feels safe and respectful, right? And like that, what I've done then, which is so powerful is I've, people are like, all right, would you bring it up again? What if my kid doesn't bring it up? Yes, I'd bring it up again. Think about what you can do. You get to like reopen that file in their body. And instead of it being stored with self-blame and shame, which is how kids store events that are overwhelming, that go unrepared. I get to bring it up and say, wait, let me surround that moment with connection and compassion and a coherent story and understanding. That's an amazing opportunity. I've literally rewritten that part of my kid story. Oh, wow. It's so incredible because you have created this incredible platform and membership base for parents to come and work on all these incredible things. And I'm sitting here thinking to myself, this is so beyond parenting. And I know that you say it's just, like if we can apply these things to all the relationships in our life, I feel this massive sigh of, first of all, it's like relief and hope and the more that we can communicate through the tough things that come up with our spouses, with our employees, with our siblings, with our parents, with everyone. It's just, I just had such a moment of like, this is so beyond. Well, thank you. It's true. Two comments come to mind. Someone said to me in our membership, they're like, it's just so efficient. And I was like, what do you mean? And they're like, oh, well, the four minute video I watch, like I use it at work, I use it with my husband, I use it with my mother-in-law, I use it with my kids, sometimes I use myself. It's just like, it's efficient. So when you say beyond, it's like, yeah, like that's just, it's efficient. As parents don't have time to learn things in a million places. So yes. And you know, someone asked me after my book came out if I was a management consultant. And I was like, what makes you think that? And they're like, well, that's my masking because nothing makes me think that. But your book was recommended in my management consulting Slack group. Wow. And you know, I thought about it. I was like, you know what, like I am a management consultant. And that's actually how we think about the family. Like we are the leader of our family system. We are the CEO. And if a company is struggling, if all the associates are unruly, I don't know any consultant who would start an intervention from the associate level, you would say to the CEO, it's not your fault. But again, like you're the leader. We have to shift something. It's our responsibility at the top, right? And I do think that's my goal is to help overwhelm parents become sturdier leaders. And when you become a sturdier leader, the benefit is everywhere in your life. I feel so empowered. And even just having time to connect with you before this and to really just share moments of what it's like to manage it all. It's so much. And I think for myself, I am having these moments of like, wow, I can see all of these situations where I see why they didn't move forward in a way where there was like a real solution. And I'm having like a massive moment of just like, we can change the way our story is. We can just like you said, rewrite this story and learn these skills. And it's overwhelming at first, but I don't feel overwhelmed. Oh, well, that's my goal. That's like my goal. And yeah, anything big can be overwhelming, but same thing's what you do. It's just breaking it down to like super manageable steps, right? And similarly, when you have an approach that's really based in principles, you know, it doesn't feel like I'm trying this and I'm trying this. And so things based in first principles, like, hey, here's ideas. Like your kid's identity is separate from their behavior. Here's your job, validation and boundaries. Like hitting, rudeness, sleep issues, anxiety. Like, it's actually all extensions of the same thing. I wanted to ask you about the anxiety part. For me, it's coming from myself who I tend to run anxious. That's something that I'm learning still to manage and cope with and still go about my day, but then recognizing in my children that it's there too. Yeah. And then how to help them. Yes. Helping parents help their kids with anxiety is like truly one of my favorite topics. I tend to love topics, which is a lot of them, where I feel like my take is like a 180 from like what's out there? A 180. It is, and like anxiety, it often is, because anxiety really, and I run anxious too, like who does it, right? Yeah, but like anxiety in a lot of ways, I think, isn't an original feeling. It's not an actual feeling. It's the experience of not wanting to have a certain feeling. And as we know, feelings exist in our body. So trying to run away from a feeling that's in your body is like a losing game, but that's what anxiety feels like. That's like the panic of it. And it comes from certain feelings, usually in our history, having been things that no one really helped us with. So we really did store them with fear and aloneness, and in adulthood, it comes up with anxiety. And so if we see it in a kid, right? I don't do have an example of something your kid might be anxious about. Yes. So there was a situation in school where one of my kids wasn't feeling smart enough and coming home saying, I'm not smart, I'm stupid. This is my favorite topic. And it like shatters me, right? Because I'm like, oh my God. No, like I felt that way too growing up. I remember feeling that way. Like I wasn't smart. I didn't comprehend things the way the kids in my class were. And I'm just like, yes, yeah. So it's like, I feel like I like, this is not a question I asked you to ask me. Can you, can you verify that? Yes, no. Absolutely. Absolutely. So first of all, I'm going to make you watch my confidence workshop. Because again, I think my take on confidence is completely different. And I think it'll really speak to confidence and anxiety together. So confidence, in my mind, is not feeling good about yourself, which I know is weird. Because someone's like, isn't that what confidence is? It's not. To me, confidence is self-trust, which also means, to me, when I really think of someone confident, what I want my kids to have as confidence, it's the ability to feel like it's okay to be you in the widest range of experiences and feelings as possible. And I'll explain what I mean by that, right? Self-trust and feeling like it's okay to be me in a wide range of experiences. So my kid comes home and they're like, I'm not smart. I'm the only kid who can't read or they say these things. First of all, and I really mean that's even that sounds sick. It's like, oh, yes. Like on my kid's face, shit like that. I'm like, oh, my God, like, yes. Like, because I'm going to crush this moment and it's going to help you so much more in your life. Because also, how many times is one of your kids in the next four decades going to feel less than someone else? A lot happens all the time. So when my kids do this stuff as kids, I'm like, I have the opportunity to like get in there and help you wire in a way that like you never thank me for officially, but I will see play out. It's really powerful. So I'm like, I always, I want to prepare my kids. Not, you can't protect your kids. Prepare, not protect. So this would be a typical what people think was confidence or reducing anxieties. My kid says, I'm the only one who can't read or I'm not smart. Kids read at their own pace, sweetie. Like, you're going to get there. Everyone's smart in different ways. Okay, well, you're really good at soccer and not everyone else is like, we, I don't know, we say that. I did all those things. It's so natural. I really envision a lot of them. The visual is that like my kid isn't a whole and any natural parent would be like, I want to take my kid out of the hole. Like, come over here. It's sunny over here and you could have sunny feelings, not dark feelings. Over time, not one, star kids are so young. That actually builds adult anxiety. Because what a kid really learns is when I feel down about myself, I need to run away from that feeling. I have nobody, I've kind of encoded as sitting with me in that feeling. That actually is, again, that feeling is stored in a loneliness that actually leads to more anxiety. Right, to me, confidence building. Okay, and this is going to sound weird. I'll explain it. My kid's like, not as smart as everyone and everyone else can read. Confidence building at first would be like, for some, I'm so glad you're talking to me about this. So it's such a good line in work. So glad you're talking to me about this. Tell me more, or how something really hard must have happened at school today for you to be feeling that way, right? My visual, okay, is like, my kid is on a bench. And they're on the bench of like, I don't feel good about myself right now. And resilience and confidence is actually built in our kids is essentially where like, I'll sit on that bench with you. Not, get off that bench, come to this bench or not the other thing we do, which is like, no, that's not really your bench. Like, it's not that bad. Just sitting, because then what my kid really learns is my mom is like, really okay with the moments where I feel down and she believes me. Like, I believe you, that's really hard when they were passing out chapter books to everyone and you were the only one who got a picture book. Like, I believe you that that's, that stinks. And I think parents, like, they'll hear this and at first like, wait, is that like telling my kid, I think that they're stupid, right? But again, if you are saying to your husband, like, I had a horrible day and I wasn't invited to this lunch and everyone's more popular than me. And if he sat down next to you and was like, oh, I believe you, that sounds like a hard day. I don't think anyone thinks he's saying to you like, you're a loser, like, no. But if he's like, oh, Melissa, but you were invited to that party the last week. I mean, wouldn't you be like, get out of my face? Like, right at best, like it's not, you know how you feel. Right. And so the other thing we do when we essentially say we're kids, like, it's not that bad, right? Or like, but you're going to soccer. Right. Is what we really say to our kids, which is really disturbing is like, I know how you should feel better than you know how you feel. And that actually infuses self-doubt, which is the opposite of self-trust, which I really think of as confidence. I'm going to send you the workshop. I have learned. That I'm going to go. Quizzy watch. I, you know, I get nervous because I know. I'm not going to close you on. I'm so blown away by you. And I feel like you have such a humble approach to things that are so challenging and difficult. And I feel this massive breath of fresh air. Honestly, you really are. And you're so intelligent and your visualizations brought me everywhere that you just, I feel like you took me on a journey of being like, bringing it all back to myself. Thank you. Really, I mean, this stuff is similar to you. Like I wake up every day like so excited by an idea or by a new conversation. Like I have conversations with people and I think a new thought because of the way that that inspired me. It's just so, it's amazing also to know how many parents are out there who on some level are like, I want something with more heart and soul. Something that feels better. And look at our default as humans, we all will default to what's familiar over anything else because it's comfortable and we've mastered it. So like, we don't choose what's good for us. We choose what we know. It's just what our body, all of us, me too, do. And it is brave to like consider a new idea and to try something new, which is going to feel uncomfortable. My parents are like, I did that sitting on the bench thing. It felt super uncomfortable. I was like, I'm sure you'd say to someone too, the first time you do one of your workouts, if you haven't done, it's uncomfortable. And that's the way you know you're doing something new. It's almost like your body's giving you the right sign. Yes, that's uncomfortable. And it's so brave to do something uncomfortable. It's so brave and just being able to be in community with people who are like doing that and letting me in to be part of that journey is like just the greatest honor. There's nothing more moving than being able to bring impact to these situations that are the most important. Like you said, it's like this is what we're going to be thinking about. Can I have something light? Yes. Because I've almost tied three times and I've been like, we'll see you can't cry every podcast. Okay, this is like a quick win. We all need quick wins. It's like, I want someone here is like, I'm going to do that conference workshop. But can you give me a quick win? Yes, that's what I would be thinking like fine, but like give me something first, okay? So listening, kids don't listen. That's a whole nother workshop. That was in there. It's not really that they don't listen. It's just that they don't do the thing we want them to do that they don't want to do, right? Because again, if you were reading a book, my son said that. And your husband was like, can you go get me a sandwich? If you were like, no, and he's like, you have a listening problem, you'd be like, that's not really what's happening here, right? So that's what we do to our kids. That's true. I love a good hack that's actually based on principles, not like trickery, okay? So anyone listening who has a kid, seriously, under the age of 10, but someone's like, this works with my 15 year old, I just have to like tweak it. I call it the close your eyes hack, okay? So I'm going to model it anyway. I'm going to do it, okay? So let's say where's something you want your, what is it like getting them get ready for bath or clean up their toys or get dressed and put their socks on, getting out the door, probably getting out the door. So let's, I'm going to make that even more specific, which is also helpful for our parents. We can't tell a kid to, come on, we got to go. It's like, they have to know what's their socks or their shoes. So let's say it's like putting on their shoes, which was also usually hard, right? Very, right. Okay, so it's putting in their shoes. This is how most of us go about it. Put on your shoes, I said put on your shoes, I said put on your shoes, right? And then you're like, wow, nothing is working. Yep, I see some nice, yep. Okay, so watch this. So much better for everyone. Okay. Okay, it's time to find out your shoes. Wait, wait a second. I'm going to close my eyes and all I'm saying, all I am saying is if there is a kid with their shoes on, I literally don't know what I'm doing. I might, and then film something that your kid would like. For me, I'd be like, I'm going to like fall down. I might do a butt dance. Like I always have to do a butt dance. I'll demonstrate everyone. It's nothing that sophisticated. It's what you think it would be jumping up and down. Like, you know, something like that. And I don't know, I'll just be so confused. If there is a kid who is already opening the door and has a foot out the door before I open my, I'm gonna freak out. When you open your eyes, I swear 99 times out of 100, your kid is doing the thing. It's really cute. Because it's playful. It's playful. It actually gives them trust instead of control, which we all like trust over control, right? And it gives them independence. Because none of us like being pressure, are you going to write that email? Melissa, you're going to write it. And if they're all standing over you, you're like, I'm not, I'm not going to write it, right? But if they walk away, it's like saying, I trust you and you can feel like this was your independent decision instead of something I'm making you do. So the close your eye hack is like the quickest win 99 out of 100 times, which is pretty good, right? And that's what I would like to share with all parents. Okay, I love that. That is so light and sweet and really adorable. So I'm doing it tomorrow morning. Because you better believe that's like one of my biggest challenges of the day, like most of us. Okay, before we end, I just want to close with some rapid fire questions that I always like to just wrap it up with, what's your biggest motivator? Hearing stories from people about how ideas, strategies, scripts have really changed the direction of their homes. What's your end all be all self-care ritual? Everyone just likes to know everyone's thing. I naturally wake up early and I have a good at least hour, often hour and a half before everyone else wakes up. And so that hour and a half in the stillness and my one share and my living room that I make my coffee and it's like kind of like curves around me. And I actually often go to our community where I read people's like stories and comment and then using that hour and a half a couple days a week, I get in like a good 22 minute workout. But that like really feels like an hour and a half of like me time. Those are my best days. Yeah, oh, and the other thing, I have another one, that's a non-negotiable that you'll appreciate with the way you love your life and so busy too. Every Thursday morning, I tell everyone that good inside I started 11, which is late. And I work out with my four of my best friends, we do a workout together, like a dancing. And then they come to my apartment, like we kind of do it around me. And then we always cook like eggs and whatever together and have breakfast together. And then I shower and I go to work. And that is like a staple I would never give up in my life. That is so nice. I love that. Amazing, we have so many like members who will do the workouts together with each other like on Zoom and it's so cute. Yeah, that's so special. Because this podcast is called Move With Heart, what does it mean to you to move with your heart? You know, I have this word, I've never talked about it on a podcast, but like that I often use to describe when I feel like really connected to someone, what it is about them. And I kind of know when I'm in that place and it's just nothing that's miscated. But I feel like I can locate them. That's always what I say about people. I just like, or someone I can't locate them. I don't know what they believe in or what they say. And someone who I can really locate them. And to me, moving with heart is like moving in a way where I can locate myself. It's in alignment with what I want, with the value. It feels like it comes on the inside, not like a performance to the outside. That's what it means. That's one of those beautiful answers I've heard. I feel like I've located you during this conversation. I feel that way before, but just in a much more profound, very clear way being here with you. It's truly an honor. I feel like I just have like a private session with you in a selfish sense. And I am so inspired by you and your work. And you really are a force, but you have like this gentle energy about you. And it's really incredible what you're doing. I can't wait to keep learning more. And everyone you have to read, Dr. Becky's book, Good Inside, you have to become a member. Because as you can see, this goes so much deeper than just parenting. And thank you so much. Thank you for having me and everyone listening. I always think we show our values by how we spend our time. So spending your time considering new ideas, being invested in your own wellness, and every meaning of that word. Like I think people don't give themselves enough credit to pause and be like, yeah, I am spending my time listening to this. Like that says a lot about me. And so I hope everyone just pauses and reminds themselves of that. Thank you. I hope you enjoyed that episode. We have a special offer for our Move With Heart listeners. When you join MWH as a new member, you will receive an entire month that's 30 days for free. And this is in addition to our seven day free trial. All you have to do is head to molissawoodhelp.com and use code Move With Heart. At MWH, we believe this practice is not just about building this body you desire. This work is about building a better, stronger relationship with yourself. And that is why we offer everything from movement, meditation, and nutrition to help you not only look, but most importantly, feel your best. Follow me on Instagram, at molissawoodteperberg, and MWH at molissawoodhelp. Tune in for an all new episode next week. And I cannot wait to see you all on the mat.