575. Q&AF Ft. Layne Norton, PhD: Forgiving Others, Feeling Overwhelmed & Being A Man

What is up guys it's Andy Priscilla and this is the show for the real estate goodbye to the lives, the fitness and delusions of modern society and welcome. Motherfucking reality guys today we have Q and A F that's where you submit the questions when we give you the A Fs now you could submit your questions a couple different ways. The first way is guys you can email your questions to ask Andy at Andy for Stella.com or you can go on YouTube and on the Q and A episodes you can drop your questions in the comments and we'll answer some from there as well. Other times we have CTI that's to ask for cruise the internet that's where we put topics up on the screen we speculate on what's true what's bullshit and then we talk about what we the people can do to solve some of these problems going on in the world. Other times we have real talk real talk is just five to 20 minutes and we give you some real talk and then other times we have 75 hard versus 75 hard versus is where we bring people on who've completed 75 hard talk about how they were before how they are after and then we talk about how you can fix what's going on with you as well. If you want the 75 hard program which is the first phase of the live hard program you can get it for free at episode 208 on the audio feeds only and then other times we have full length full length is where we just bring someone on and we have a talk. I know I said I wasn't going to do many of those but I think we're going to bring those back because I like them. Anyway Q&A F and we have a special guest got my friend back in the house my good buddy Lane Norton what's happening bro good to see you good to be back yeah what's been going on. A lot of the same just doing business lift and heavy and doing the dead thing calling our mother fuckers out of the internet I do some of that you know this kind of the science based side of things you know you know rufflin some rufflin some feathers hard job somebody has got to do it it is what it is although I will say like I'm seeing so many more evidence based people coming out and doing like kind of like my debunk style videos and I people have said me like doesn't that bother you and I'm like no I think it's great yeah like we need more people I've felt like I've been out in an island for a long time doing this stuff you know so I see a lot of that too I see a lot of it yeah they're like guys in their mid 20s they're starting to kind of like take up that same style yeah even some females too yeah I haven't seen any of that I've seen a few I only see them because you shout them out on your page yeah which I think it's cool you know yeah like I mean I tell everybody like yeah we're all in competition but it's like you know I'm not nearly as big but I don't know something that line but we're not competition like I care about good folks in the industry is I want to align myself with as many like good people as I can because to me like rising tide floats all ships and I think that's that's calm I think that's become like you and I've been in the industry for like literally the exact same amount of time do you feel like that it's been that that's changed because I feel like personally it used to not be that way I felt like the owners of companies weren't friends and people didn't get along and like everybody kind of just fucking hated each other and then recently over the last like four or five years people have started to like realize like oh shit we're kind of on this little boat all together and we should sort of work together otherwise the entire government system and everything that we have going on makes it hard for us to exist you know I feel like there's been a lot more I don't know friendships maybe it's just me I don't know I think you know it's not great for some things but I do think it has brought people in some ways close together yeah I think you know when we when I first got in like I didn't know a bunch of owners from back then but I think things are more siloed you know you didn't really interact with that people that much except at trade shows now it's like you you never know somebody's going to be the same way they are online but like you know I had a pretty good idea coming to meet you like you and Sal we're going to be the same way yeah you are on social and I think like you think I'm probably the same way for sure so like you can kind of get a feel for oh you know I think I'd vibe with this person I think we'd get along that sort of thing um whereas before you know if it's just like you're seeing another company's ads in a magazine or something like that or you know it's so easy to become adversarial you know and I think now it's kind of like I just want to see good people win yeah you know because to me if I take care of my stuff like my stuff's going to be fine you know I don't need to be in competition with somebody else yeah question number one guys in a recent Andy Graham uh Andy you have mentioned learning to forgive others uh that made mistakes does that mean you still need to be friends with them after you forgive them um it's hard after friendship trust gets broken uh to still talk to them what should take on this forgiveness uh and continue my relationships yeah no I don't think you have to continue to be friends in fact I think you should be very selective on who you call your friends and I think that who your friends should be should be people like Lane has just talked about a minute ago that want you to win that are willing to help you win even when that's uncomfortable so that's that's a uh a criteria that is very hard for people to stand up and step into um for a lot of different reasons you know it could be their background it could be you know where they come from it could be their level of insecurity but it's very rare that we can find people that truly want us to win and are happy for us when we win and um when you find those people who want you to win who are happy for you win you win and who also help you win and sometimes you have to understand that helping you win is maybe telling you some shit that you would rather not here but need to hear um those are your friends man and outside of that those people aren't your friends and so I think the term friend gets tossed around very loosely today especially with social media which is kind of you know what we were talking about earlier I feel like everybody thinks that everybody's their friend and I could tell you for experience and extensive life experience you have very few friends if you think you have a lot of friends you do not have a lot of friends you have a lot of people you know you have very few friends you're real friends you know they're going to contribute to your life in every single way possible they're not going to install seeds of doubt in your brain they're not going to cut you down they're not going to be the person like this right because we have two kinds of people we have the kind of people that'll tell you you're great tell you're great tell you're great even when you're not great and those people come along after you've had some success when you've had some success yeah bro they're gonna come along and they're gonna tell you you're the best you're the greatest yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and and dude you'll believe it because you know you've have some proof of that in reality so you're starting to think like okay yeah I am the best and then you have the other kind of person and the other kind of person is equally as damaging these are the kind of people that think that because everybody tells you yes that they are required to always tell you know and they're always required to tell you you know you're not as good as you think you are and they'll say things like this they'll say look man I'm not going to be one of these people that kisses your ass and they'll they'll preface everything they say like that or hey Andy I know everybody's always tell kissing your ass so you know somebody's got to tell you and those people will constantly tell you all the negative so you have to find the people who are real the people who will tell you when you're doing good but also like Lane said a minute ago about his buddy Mike they'll say hey that's not you bro don't do that you know I'm saying and those people are few and far between and you should and you should try to be one of those people as much as you possibly can to as many people as you can but you should also expect that not many people are gonna live up to that back to you and so when people fuck with you or they do something wrong or they fuck you over or I was talking to one of my good friends yesterday he had this guy you know him too honey okay and I was talking to honey and we were talking about a relationship that you have with a previous athlete this previous athlete had basically trashed him in public said all kinds of lies about him did all this stuff and then came around years later and tried to apologize and honey's like dude you and this is to me right he's telling me this he's like dude this guy has no idea the pain the stress the frustration the damage that he's caused to something that I've worked my whole life to create and you know I don't have any hard feelings but fuck that guy you know and like that's sometimes where you need to draw the boundary you know like we have to be real we can forgive people we can say hey it's all good and never talk to them again and let them go live their life and in fact it's usually a good idea because if you continue to forgive those people and then let them close to you again that likelihood of them repeating the same kind of shit over and over again is very high and that's coming from someone who's 44 years old who's had enough of these experiences to at some points in my life make me very bitter about people so I think I'm not a mental health expert but one of my friends John Deloney is and he says you know forgiveness is not for the other person forgiveness is for you right now I guess where I stand is and I'm definitely more on the side of like somebody apologizes to me I'm like immediately like gonna pull them back in that sort of stuff I think what I would say you and I are so much alike like that I think what I would say is you know the context is important like what was the what was the disagreement over what was the how did they hurt you right like if it's like oh they were two hours late for dinner it didn't show up or something like that okay yeah of course one thing somebody stole money from you somebody you know lied about you somebody really harmed you in some way you know yeah into the day it's kind of like you have to make that decision whether or not you think that's a friendship worth continuing what I will say is like make them prove it you know don't put them in a position where they can hurt you like that until they have consistently proven it I think the one thing that stood out to me when you were talking about like the the right kind of friends is will somebody show up for you even if it doesn't benefit them right in some way now at some point and I said this to a number of friends like man I hope I know I hope I don't have to repay you this way showing up for you this way because I mean you're in a hard place but you know I would I would love to be able to show up for you the way you've shown up for me you know and so that's why I think the friendship is reciprocal but it's not like what can you do for me what can I do for you it's like I love this person I think they're a great person how can I support them best you know and so you really have to make that decision whether how much you value it how long was the friendship you know how many times did they show up for you was this just a that's where people people do stuff out of character sometimes like it happens especially when they want shit yeah I think that's an important point you're hitting on their brother you have to evaluate was the friend ever really a friend was this person ever really your friend or were they along for the ride or were they there because you knew them from way back in the day right just because you've known someone for five years or you ten years or you went to high school with them or you went to college with them that doesn't mean that they're your friend dude that just know them yeah that's correct but like we have this idea that everybody's friends and that doesn't make well now that doesn't make everybody else your enemy there's three classes of people here right there's there's enemies then there's acquaintances people that you know and generally like and can drink a beer with and hang out with them be cool and then you got friends and that friend group should be really tight really small and that's been the experience of my life and you and I I think are a lot of like dude you know we give people the benefit of the doubt we give a lot of grace we when people wrong us we want to forgive them because we want to resolve the issue but we have to also be smart to not invite these issues back into our lives from someone who has a faulty character trait for example right sometimes people just can't be there and be the right kind of friend that that we have but then we need I'm sorry I think one of the things that I heard that was that I've used a lot is you can love someone from a distance yeah you know what I mean yeah like sometimes you can love somebody I'm not just talking about romantic relationship right you know friendships too it's a good point I know that family you can love somebody and know that their presence in your life is not good for you like to somebody you know and I think like so again John I'm gonna I'm gonna use him he always when people will call his show and he has a great podcast by the way everybody should listen to it when people call his show he'll talk about I never thought about this he's like he'll identify what's happening in their body what what's happening in your body right and he'll talk about it I never thought about anxiety and stress that way right but like it does show up in your body we think about it all here right but it shows up in your body and I know like and I went through a lot of stress over the last couple years and once I started making changes to like get out of the things that were really causing me a lot of stress I mean not only did I feel better I physically got stronger in the gym like pretty rapidly I mean it was crazy how it works out yeah and so when you're around somebody do you do you generally feel at ease do you feel like you can be yourself do you feel like you can let your guard down or do you feel like you know like I got to protect myself like I got to have my guard up if I say that like you want to be around people who put you at ease yeah like it's almost like a regulation you know what I mean and even if you got to have a hard conversation can you have that hard conversation and still feel a little bit of a sense of peace because I mean some people will say they're like hard conversation nobody likes hard conversations with people they love like it's it's it always sucks but can you can they do it in a way can you do it in a way in their presence because sometimes it's a dynamic right it's not just one person it's a dynamic but can you do it in a way where you still feel safe and you feel at ease those are the kind of people you want to have around you but if you're like you know feel like you're whether it's a family member friend romantic partner you're like walking on eggshells all the time you're constantly you know kind of in defense mode they may not be a bad person but they're bad for you you know yeah I think one of the things too it's like you know this misconception your friend group is going to change yep yep and that's okay yep like that's okay and like I'm I'm young but I've been changed many many times that's what I'm saying I'm young and I've done been through three different friend groups just in my lifetime my short lifetime now and it's like just getting to the point where it's like it's okay like that's fine you know like not like you know and I think what it is because I was over thinking about it you know you watch these movies growing up as a kid and you know watch movies like little rascals and it's like oh man we're gonna be friends forever and so you have this like this expectation that you know your friends you grew up with that from the neighborhood or that you know the school you went to like you're gonna be lifelong friends and like the reality is those things like those situations are so far from fewer between it doesn't happen you know I'm saying so like knowing that like your purpose of life is to grow and elevate that means the people around you are gonna have to grow and elevate or just change and change in in general some people are there for good and some people are there for a season yeah and I also think dude I think it's important for us like what you said about loving them from afar I think it's important to recognize that the world you would be a lot happier and I'm speaking to all of you you would be a lot happier if you would take the position that you can not be as close friends with someone and still want them to win still want them to do good still be there if they need something like bro I take the approach of like being at ease around everybody until they give me a reason not to you know and but I also take the approach of not letting people in my proximity as easily as I once did so I don't know I think navigating these issues is definitely something with nuance and there's all kinds of ways you can look at it but ultimately you know DJ's correct your friend groups gonna evolve you're gonna grow and if you're not growing in your friendship isn't your friend group isn't evolving it's probably sign that that you need to maybe do some growth on your own yeah because they can leave you just as easily yeah dude yeah and just you know make sure like again back to the kind of the core question like ask yourself is this is I don't I think people are their habits you know they're not we've all done stuff at one time that was outside of our character yeah you know and so and none of us are perfect right and so and by the way bro guess what you're probably gonna do some shit outside your character again at some point your life and so will I and so will him and so everybody here listening yeah you know that's that's the unfortunate condition called being human yeah so I think again that careful balance between a Caliburian shame right where it's like um being able to because you can be too easy on yourself you're like well you know I'm human this and that people can justify a lot of stuff by saying well I'm you're human yeah you know oh no I'm not saying that as an excuse right I'm saying that from the because like dude remember we come from the place of the internal dialogue that like my internal dialogue when I fuck up is not like oh bro you know it's all good everything's gonna be fine it's like bro you're the biggest fucking piece of shit that walks the face of the like that's my shit is like you guys think I'm hard on everybody else dude if you heard my internal shit you know and people are gonna say well that's unhealthy no shit no and it's I again so you be pointed out it's it's nuanced right the end of the day you me DJ we're not gonna be able to tell you like should you still have a relationship with somebody who hurt you it's really gonna boil down to your values their values and all we'll say all I'll say is you know if you choose to bring that person back in your life okay just do it step wise and pay attention and pay attention and you know be open but also protect yourself right don't put them in a position where they can hurt you yeah guys question number two I'm a first-year med student and I'm getting my ass kicked it's only been a month there's a lot thrown at me at once and I constantly feel behind I know to improve it's a combination of managing my time better and me not being efficient with the work that I'm doing I don't believe I have built the proper skill set just yet I have been using the powerless but I'm only finishing two or three of my five critical tasks that I need to get done each day the problem is everything compounds and the work still needs to get done regardless Andy do you guys have any advice for time management and more importantly how do I make sure I'm working more efficiently so I think knowing yourself this is a very individual thing so I was somebody I have very severe ADHD I was diagnosed I was six years old when I was doing grad school undergrad things didn't really come easy for me like I had to study a lot and I think a lot of times we we end up comparing ourselves to other people and that like we feel like oh I'm doing this one must be something wrong I know for me first off when I study I'm a lay on the ground I don't know why I can't be at a desk right nothing I'm gonna do is I'm gonna go hard for 30 40 minutes with background noise I don't know why I can't study in silence and then I'm gonna take a 10 to 20 minute break because I just know for me if I try to go hard for multiple hours once I get hour one two it's like now I've got to take an even longer break to reset myself now I'm not saying this is what this person should do but I know myself I found that over time I think the other thing is really it sounds like and I'm I'm kind of trying to read between the lines it sounds like he's getting a little bit overwhelmed and then that like has a freeze response yes you go I I can't do anything I've been there I can tell you there have been so many times in my life where I'm like there is no way I can get done everything I need to get done and you can start to stew in that and then not do anything and then by the time you actually try to get it done after you've gone through that anxiety like then it is too late what I'll say is like try to disconnect your feelings and go into execution mode maybe you can't get it all done but stewing about it is not gonna change anything so focus on okay what is the most pressing like what is something what is the thing that is most important that is also very time sensitive let's work on that right now right um we're in in in the case of school you know usually what I look at is okay this area of this topic let's say in biochemistry I feel like I've got this down pretty good I'm struggling here now I could I'm at 95% here I could put more time in and get to 100 or I could go over to this thing where I'm at 60% put in the same amount of time maybe I get to 80 that's a bigger game right so I'm gonna look at where my deficiencies are and the other thing too is like honestly and I've never went to med school again it was a PhD research scientist but man I got my money's worth out of my professors like I was at their door asking questions you know and if not them then the the teachers assistants like you're paying a lot of money to be in med school those people should be supporting you so if you need help go get help get in the study group that's another thing I did like being involved with study groups that helped me a lot because just conversating with people and it's kind of like lifting if you ever gone in for lifting and like I'm trying to show somebody how squat I can explain a squat five different ways of whatever way on the fifth way of me giving them that cue it clicks right sometimes explaining you know in because they're obviously a scientist if they're med school explaining a mechanism in a different way or just hearing somebody else repeat it back to you for whatever reason all the sudden it clicks so I think being involved in study groups is a great idea the other thing I'll say I think because when I was at every level I was like man this is overwhelming this overwhelming this overwhelming now I look at like okay owning you know either owning or having a piece of four different businesses that include over you know 20 30 employees and having two kids one of whom is special needs and then like a bunch of other stuff I'm doing competing like if I write it all down my whole man you know but I have gotten to the point where I can manage that over time because I built that resilience and when I look back at what used to overwhelm me when I was doing my PhD I'm like oh that's nothing compared to now you know but you you acclimate to it you acclimate to yes that's people think there's like this like I used to think this that there was like a defined amount of willpower and now psychologists have debunked this so like there's really there's no limit on this but there probably is a limit at the moment in time where you're at because you have it's like progressive overload for life the more difficult stuff you do and get through the more difficult stuff you can do and get through and so what I'll say is you may feel overwhelmed I'm not saying you're overwhelmed isn't real but your feelings will lie to you try to go into execution mode just focus on moving your feet forward with whatever you can do and getting support where you need it and here's the one other thing that I think a lot of people need to hear you can't prioritize everything all at the same time people talk a lot about life balance okay I think over the course of your entire life you should have a balance between work life family friends but at any one cross section of time you are going to be unbalanced in some direction correct right when I was in grad school I was lifting and grad school and that was pretty much it I wasn't a whole lot of time for socializing I did a little bit but it was pretty rare right but I that was fine with me because I knew what I was there for right then when I got out of grad school I was you know biased towards you know competing um and my businesses and then my kids were born I was more biased towards get like that this shifts over time and I think a lot of people get anxiety because they feel like they should be able to prioritize it all at once and listen we're all about like hey could nutrition training but hey while you're in med school maybe you're just trying to maintain what you have right like you're getting in two times week because right now you have to focus on this because this is the priority because you're probably spending three four hundred thousand dollars to be there right that's really important to you right yeah right so pick your priorities and realize not everything can be a priority at the same time yeah dude I like all that I especially like the part that you talk about acclimation because when you first start something new you know he said it's only been a month it's no different than we were talking about the cold plunge in the locker room all right the first time you get in some cold water doesn't have to be a cold plunge it could be a cold swimming pool it does swimming pool could be you know 75 degrees and you get in you're like oh this is cold ten minutes later you're splashing around like an idiot and you don't even notice it all right and this is how your skill set and stress management will work over the course of your life you are overwhelmed now because this level of load is new to you now and the best thing that you could do is not to go listen to one of these hippie motherfuckers on the internet about balance the best thing you could do no for real the best dude I'm just being honest man balance like you're gonna do these these kids now they see these motherfuckers out here fucking kids bro in the van traveling the world living those motherfuckers gonna be broke in 10 years bro like you don't I've already seen this I've seen what those people end up becoming you guys think that shit's new because it's not new the same thing was when I was a kid like there was still those people like when I was out hustling when I was building my business and they were telling me bro you're working way too hard you live your life you need some balance you need this you need that and now these same motherfuckers are asking me for a fucking job okay so I fucking know exactly what the fuck that's about like real talk I've experienced it my life it's not new so when you're overwhelmed and you have the propensity or you know the inclination to read some of this shit on the internet that says oh I need to get some balance and then you go away from the overwhelmed what you're doing is you're deconditioning yourself to handle the load that you need to be able to handle so you're only prolonging the pain so the reality is is you should lean into the overwhelm learn how to handle it and you will acclimate to it and what will happen as you acclimate to it you become more effective and more efficient and then some time opens up all right you start to have more time for other things and so when we talk about you know how to handle these difficult situations we've got to be real you're not equipped to handle that yet you're just not equipped and it's day one bro this is build mode like when you start a business I just had this talk with one of my teams yesterday this is build mode and build mode it is 24 fucking seven that's the way it fucking works if you want to build something all right and you're trying to build a life you're trying to build a medical career we need good doctors all right it's important that you see this through so my advice would be lean into this give it another six months and what will happen is you're going to look back and be like man I can't believe I thought it was that hard yeah you know and that's how it'll end up being for like if this was three years from now you're asking this question okay maybe there's some issues with efficiency one one thing that I want to point out man because I think it's so important that that I've learned just you know since I've been with you but more importantly than the last couple of weeks man it's like you know I think so often people when they're getting into something and they start getting these these feelings whether they're anxiety whether whatever it is they look at them as if like these are problems and these are reasons why I should not be doing this when the reality is you're doing this this is what comes with this dude this is how it's supposed to be absolutely bro let me ask you something oh this hypothetical for everybody listening tell me one good thing in your life that came without stress and anxiety it does not exist and when you feel the highest pressure the highest stress and the highest anxiety when you're in the pursuit of something greater it's a good indication that you're actually on the right path it's a position that you want to actually be in because once you push through this time of extreme stress pressure and anxiety on the other side is the fucking promise land that you've been looking for that nobody else ever gets to because the minute that they get into that pressure stress and anxiety they read some bullshit on the internet and they go live in a fucking van like that's what we're talking about here you're not wrong it's a universal set dude we've all heard it it's always darkest before the what before the dawn you have to push through the hard to get to the place you're trying to get to and this is just a fundamental reality and we have so many people on the internet trying to convince people that they found some other way okay so you're the first person in 12,000 years of documented human history to find another way around this dude you should be the richest motherfucker on the planet then like you should you should you should have more money than Elon Musk because you found it you have found the way to live your whole life free and easy and pain free and stress free and anxiety free and still fucking win like you found it bro congratulations you're being the history book you know like he didn't have strong opinions about this I just I actually just gave a talk like my talk at University of Missouri yesterday it was kind of on this and I called it I love to relate things to lifting okay because obviously like something I'm passionate about but you're pretty fucking good at it too thank you be real it's like progressive overload for life yeah right so if I like my best ever squat was a 668 pound squat right if I went into the gym the first time the first time and tried to do that what's gonna happen it's gonna crumble you right even after a few you couldn't walk it out right even after a few years it's gonna crush me yeah right like and this guy he's been in school for a while he did his undergrad obviously and now he's getting crushed it's like bro you're just not used to it yet yeah but so even a 500 pound squat gonna crush me first time right but what happens and I it's funny I tell people this like even though I can scrub you know 600 plus pounds now 500 pounds doesn't feel any different on my back it still feels heavy I just got better at handling it yes that's the only difference yes okay 500 pounds still 500 fucking pounds exactly and so Henry Rollins has a great quote about that yeah it's always the way yeah and so this it should feel hard it's going to feel hard but you're going to get better at handling it so just I love this is a lifting term but just stay in the pocket yeah you know what I mean sit in that discomfort stay in the pocket you're keep showing up you're describing something that I describe in a different way so so I describe when people ask me like what is success success is the commitment to the pursuit of your ultimate potential and the reason it's not the pursuit of your ultimate potential or the realization of your ultimate potential is because your ultimate potential can never actually be realized because of what you how you explain progressive overload for life when you go out and you set out to do anything in life whether that be lifting weights or building a business or anything else you have x amount of potential because you have x skill set but as you go down the path and you get crumbled by the weight a few times and you get back up and you put it back on your back and you do a few more reps what happens is is your hypothetical skill set for life because that's what we're talking about here not weights gets stronger and more equipped and when you have better skill set for life your potential on the back end expands okay so when you think about this and you think about like where you want to be long term you have to understand that where you want to be long term as you are right now will not be where you want to be long term in five years from now because you're going to you're going to open up a whole new potential because of the skill set that you gained during this five year journey of hard shit and so that's how true real massive great things are built in life is by consistently raising the bar before you get to the bar because you're recognizing that your skill set is improved your potential is greater and still committing to pursuing it even though you understand that you'll never actually realize it so this is this is the way that like the people who build the biggest shit who who live the fullest lives who do the most shit over the course of their life who become the people who shape the culture and change the world this is how they see the world and this is how they operate they're raising the bar before they get to the bar because they understand that their capabilities have expanded and I think you cannot even have an idea of how capable you could possibly be in a few years if you continue to develop those skills because again like I remember it's light years right as I remember you know hitting my first 400 pound squat and feeling how heavy that was and I could never have a and that's after that was after six seven years of lifting yeah could never have fathomed the six hundred and sixty eight pound squat right but six months for it that six hundred sixty eight pound I could fathom it you know I could taste it you know but it's it had to be grown over time and again go through a lot of hard stuff and I think the other thing people in this situation you mentioned it like they go into something they get knocked down or they they come up against that stress that anxiety they feel like something's wrong no no you're right where you need to be and the question is I tell people I truly believe the only reason people quit on stuff they're passionate about is to protect their ego because they go what if I put everything into this and it doesn't work out no no no if you don't put everything into it it's not gonna work that's right go all in like go all in for that that what if question that what if that exact what if question cost almost every mother fucker their entire dreams in life yep and all the other thing I'll tell people this kind of a separate topic I'll say over planning paralysis by analysis and perfectionism has killed more dreams than failure ever could failure is a great teacher and like there's so many people it's the only real teacher bro yeah and I I gave a talk in Canada and I was kind of like I just thought of this on the spot I said you know what when I was doing my PhD I got to the point where I almost got put on probation from the program I was so just bonded I was actually making pretty good money at the time from coaching I'm like I don't need this aggravation you know and I remember it having this like this internal talk of man I could put everything into this maybe I won't maybe I won't get it and I just remember thinking yeah but let's find out yeah and I that was that became the talk was like let's find out right maybe not but let's find out and I promise you even if you don't get that the resilience you will acquire from actually putting in the work and giving it you're all is going to translate into something else and I was crazy is the guys who organized the seminar they started cinema text like four different people got let's find out tattooed on them after that after that some of that but it's like yeah you you if you're going to try something hard there's no other way than to really give it your all and but it's scary because it's like what if I did give it all and I just wasn't good enough at least you know dude that what if question you know I've been in the personal development game for you know at a high level for about 10 years and that question I think what if I do all this work and it doesn't work I think that is the biggest fucking lie that's that people tell themselves in any way shape or form ever about anything because I believe it's not even possible I believe that if you and I've seen this I don't have a single case that I can point to and say here's the exception to this rule I'm not a single one if you do the work the result will come you may not become exactly what you wanted to become like let's say I want to become Lebron James alright I'm not becoming Lebron James because I'm not six eight all right and I'm not the level athlete that that man is but if I wanted to become pretty good at basketball I could probably get pretty good at basketball if I showed up every day and I did my drills and shot my free throws and did my three my three pointers and did my dribbles and did all this shit in five 10 years I'm pretty fucking good that's reality okay same thing with you over here with Jiu Jitsu you're a new guy Jiu Jitsu so to speak if you give another five years to Jiu Jitsu dude it there there could be no limit to where you go you could be the guy in the UFC ring we don't know but this idea that that people do all this work and then somehow it like doesn't create anything is a fucking lie it's not reality it's that's something that is told by our loser friends or our loser parents or our loser teachers or people who don't know what the fuck they're talking about that talk you out of just going down the path you have to go down the path and you have to go before you believe in it because the work will always come before the belief all right after you do a little work and you start like you see a little bit of result you're going to start saying wow just like you just explain Lane wow did you come to my talk no because it's like yeah this is real that's because this is reality and we're both realists that's the way it works okay this is that's because this is how fucking works it's universal this ain't my shit this is just how the fuck it works if you do the work you're going to get a little bit of result when you start to get a little bit of result you start to say oh and it clicks and you're like okay I did this work I got a little bit of result then you're like well fuck all right I'm gonna do a little bit more and you need to do a little bit more and you get a little more result it clicks again and then all of a sudden now you start to understand how the game works in reality and then you're all in and when you go all in and you start going down the path with the belief that you can become whatever it is that you become your limits become literally uh limitless I love that man two things you said walking the path so that that gets into the like I tell people like just start executing yeah stop fucking overanalyzing this stuff and just start doing because if you're walking the path sure maybe you stumble maybe you fall down but other paths will start to open up to you as well okay that you don't even know exist yet when you're walking the path but if you'd ever start you're not gonna have those opportunities and it's just the other thing that this maybe think of was there's so many like books and seminars on how to develop confidence I can tell you what develops confidence in 10 seconds do attempt really hard shit go through really stressful times where you don't think you're gonna make it and keep going that's what develops confidence because when you've been through some shit and got through it you go with the next time life punches you in the face you go okay maybe I'm maybe I'm I'm not gonna stay down I can get like the stuff I've been through in the last five years if that didn't happen to me when I was 20 oh dude no fucking way you know what I mean it will break me but I mean it's again progressive overload for life right the only way you can develop true confidence is to attempt hard stuff run up against obstacles get through those and I can tell you whenever you like you meet you and I've talked about this when I think about the accomplishments that I've gotten I don't sit there and look at the trophies I don't sit there and look at the degree that's not what I think about what I think about is the really hard should I went through to get to it yeah that's what I remember fondly if you just have everything go right and get something it's going to be like you know Dave Ramsey has saying you need enough lobster it tastes like soap right yeah that's that's because and same reason why people who win the lottery are broke in five years because you didn't have to go through anything it did life didn't teach you none of those skill sets that you gained that you would gain during the normal path were acquired exactly right it's easy come easy go exactly that's some true shit some more of the bargain up no that no that's some true shit what you're saying about Ramsey said too about like people don't realize that like when you when you you acclimate to anything oh yeah okay so like all right and I'm not saying this to be an asshole but like I could eat whatever the fuck I want every single day all right and like not saying calorie wise but I'm talking quality wise sure all right like if I wanted to eat the best fucking steak for dinner that the world has to offer every single fucking night of my life I could and in fact I did that for a while you know what started happening I started not appreciating it and so I told Emily I said don't get those steaks anymore go back to the regular steaks because my friends used to sell me send me these like gourmet steaks I forget where they're from they're from New York and I fucking love them so much I start ordering them they were expensive as fuck but I didn't give a shit right like this is what the fuck I work for I'm gonna eat fucking the best steaks ever right and I got so used to eating them that like I was like this is it like this is it and so dude I intentionally went back to like just getting the regular shit from the grocery store because I wanted to be able to appreciate the good steak when I had a good steak and so we have to be aware of these things in our lives that we become so accustomed to even the good things and sometimes intentionally make things hard so that we can keep our edge and keep our appreciation or gratitude for the the really truly good things in life yeah you have to reset that yeah and I like I told people like I'm yeah I do well for myself and I'm very grateful that it's been a step wise 20 year process and I didn't just hit it big real quickly yeah because there's just been little things along the way or it's I remember like the first time I had a hundred dollar bottle of wine yeah like oh this is cool you know like I still got to have those little wins whereas like you know if you have it come quick I mean you can blow your wand you know you could punch that dope of me now pretty quick yeah you know what I mean yeah and it doesn't mean anything anymore right exactly and so again no matter what you make what your job is whatever it's going to come down to none of that's going to make you happy it's feeling like what you do has value and that your work has meaning to me yeah and so like they'll be wrong I want to make a lot of money I want a whole boatload of it you know but I know that that's not going to make me happy all that's going to do is give me an opportunity to buy some of my time back to do more of the stuff I like to do guys Andy I mean we got one final question this is this is a good one um Andy I'm 18 years old and I was raised in a single parent household by my mother she did her best to guide me but I have massive anxiety when it comes to feeling prepared as a man never met my father no real desire to either but I've never really had any real man figures to learn from I see a lot of men online who I feel I can learn from but I don't necessarily connect with the macho macho cut down trees mentality that they define a man of having what are your thoughts on this I would love your insight well first of all you know I think it's important to recognize that just because you didn't grow up with a father doesn't mean that you can't be a great father or great dad or a great man all right that's that's that's the first thing in fact the likelihood of someone who's grown up with a shitty dad or as a shitty father figure to actually be a good father figure and a good dad is much higher than someone who grew up with a good one because it's no different than someone who grows up rich and then it's generation of wealth situation right where you have the the the founders and they do very well they build something from scratch then their kids come in and they fuck it up they become poor then they have kids and those kids don't want to be like their parents so they work really hard so you have this like every other generation type situation and I've seen this over and over again with people who grew up without a dad who decide that they want to be a great dad in fact that's you all right um a lot of father too yeah and and so you should see that want in that desire that you have inside to be a good man as a tremendous asset to your life because a lot of people take it for granted and they don't even think along those lines so you were gifted with something that like a lot of people aren't really ever going to have so recognize that to start that's a big deal okay because if you want to be great you have to have the will and want to be great and you can't have the will or want to be great unless you can recognize that there's something that needs to change and you've been gifted with that perspective and I would see that as a gift not as a not as a disadvantage so that's the first thing the second thing is you know when it comes down to this cut your tree down you know masculinity man I understand yeah dude I get that too like because that's you know it's it's way over cooked right you know we have we have a lot of really dumb shit out there when it comes to to being a good man you know um I think this person your gut of who you connect with and who you recognize to be a good strong solid man example is probably going to be the right person to follow uh we have good gut instincts naturally especially when we apply our own perspective that whether we're aware of that perspective or not aware of it we understand okay this makes sense to me this sounds good to me this looks good to me it's passes the sniff test and you should be able to you know um recognize that and there's nothing wrong with saying like this isn't for me because dude I got to be real with you like there's a lot of this masculinity shit going around and while I agree that masculinity is very important I think that it's misrepresented by a lot of the masculinity figures out here um maybe even me sometimes you know uh you know I curse a lot you know I do have a beard I work out you know like I you know but I don't sell myself as that's not yeah that's not my brand makes me a man but like yeah but like dude I see this with people in their content right like people will try to replicate my level of content or my style of content not recognizing that that's authentically who the fuck I am right so we have to be authentic as well so my advice here if like dude if you really want to look at like who a good man is without this overly like look at my brother like look at my brother Sal he should follow my brother Sal like he's a dad he's a husband he works his ass off there isn't a person I know that works fucking harder than him and he's an ethically grounded moral person with high fucking standards for the people around him and he does the right thing he helps people out uh he doesn't let people take advantage of him he's he has boundaries I mean like when I think of a like a good example it's really hard for me to find one that I would recommend more than him and that's you know that's coming from somebody who's watched it materialized and I'm not saying that because he's my brother I'm saying that because it's the truth um but you know all in all man here's the reality be a good person work to be the best that you can work hard do the right thing treat people right pick people up do good things for people live the code you know what I'm saying do do on to others what you would want done on to you even when they don't do on to you the way that you would expect them to you know there's there's there's these are basic things these are have high integrity you know when you fuck up like we talked about earlier own it and say hey I fucked up that's my bad right all of these qualities make up what I believe a true masculine man to be and I think it's misrepresented and kind of over compensated right now because we've spent the last 20 years demasculating men you know what I'm saying like other than the yeah we've been making trying to make men feminine and reality is they have they've put atrazine in the tap water and they've worked to put chemicals into food that reduce natural testosterone production like they're it's a scientific reality that the average testosterone of a young man now is much less than it was 25 years ago so these are things that have been intentionally removed from society through you know whether it be food or chemicals or social movements such as the me too movement or the feminist movement or any of these movements that have basically villainized men for being men toxic masculinity right we've been the enemy for a long fucking time now so it's very important to recognize and realize that we're overcompensating some on the back end right now and some of this shit that you see out here like you don't have to go you don't have to be a bow hunter you don't have to be someone who walks through the woods with a fucking axe or a chainsaw like you don't have to pose real hard in your pictures like like bro you you it's real simple like be a provider be a protector be a man of honor be a man of truth be a good friend like these are simple things man give a fuck about people give a fuck about what's going on that to me when I look at men that is more masculine to me than some do with a fucking beard and an axe pretending like he's some sort of hard-ass yeah yeah I mean I think that the point I would make is like just try to be a good person yeah in general I think you know everybody has their own definition of what masculinity is and like a friend of the family that I grew up with I would consider a very masculine person he was never allowed he was never boisterous you know but he had a quiet confidence about him and I'm not saying you have to be quiet either because I'm not you know no but that's masculine as well yeah so kind of like just I think the confidence of like stepping into who you are yeah and then I would say you know being able to lead you know and and make hard decisions and like you said having good boundaries like being empathetic and being able to like be soft when you need to be soft but also be a protector when you need to be a protector you know those sorts of things and I think that's a hard balance to walk you know and I think it's pretty rare but I think it's more about being a good person than just like the idea of being the right kind of masculinity right but the fact that this kid is asking this question I mean he's aware of it he's gonna be okay yeah right exactly be aware doing self-respective you know you're already asking the hard questions so many people in life when bad stuff happens to them they just start they immediately start pointing fingers because they can't take the the internal stuff I've been there you know yeah we've all gone too and so you know like it was like when I was getting ready to be a dad I was like you know I'm worried about being a good dad and somebody said that's why you're gonna be you know yeah yeah dude the awareness creates the action that's needed to become right yeah and I mean like you know I'll use a quote from my friend John Deloney and how important it is to have I mean having good fathers because well I'm gonna butcher the quote but John's quote was a generational trauma is like a wildfire that rolls downhill and burns everything in its path until one brave soul stands up it says not on my watch so I'm getting choked up thinking about it because my dad my dad his father was absent abandoned his family he had abusive stepfathers all of his brothers you know had all kinds of issues and my dad isn't perfect by any stretch but he you know like he spanked me a couple times we never like actually put his hands on me as we would call it and he was a great dad you know and he he it was literally down to him he said you know I just decided that I was gonna be everything that my father wasn't yeah and I think the people that are actually able to make the difference it boils down to victim mentality versus accountability I I can control how this happens like my story isn't written you can change right now in fact one of my favorite quotes is when Robert Downey Jr was on Oprah all right this is years ago I got this out of a motivational video I saw and he's he was talking about his drug addiction and he said you know it's not that hard to get past all these seemingly ghastly problems in your life and Oprah interrupted and was like wait you're saying it's not that hard he goes no what's hardest to decide because you have to become somebody different like when when something gets so ingrained in who you are even though you may know it's not good for you it's not who you want to be there's so much comfort in what you know the human brain is wired to like basically hedge all your bets right it's not wired to reach necessarily and so when there even if you know I could have a better life things would be different I would like who I am more it is so hard to get past the idea of being something different of doing something different and what one of the things I said on I think on Hubertman's podcast I said you cannot I'm talking about like weight loss but this applies to anything you cannot become a different person or the person you want to be while dragging all your old habits and behaviors behind you and Ethan Soupli you guys know he has a phrase when every puts up a picture from the gym he said I killed my clone today and if you talk to people who were addicts or people who made drastic life changes you know there are skills there are there are not tricks but you know there's certain things that are evidence based to do but at a certain point it just boils down to you make a decision that this is not going to be like this anymore and it doesn't mean that you never slip up again it doesn't mean that you don't you know screw up here and there but for the most part you walk the path of being the person you want to be and if I think about the only times I have really struggled with like truly feeling bad about who I was is when my actions were not in alignment with the person I wanted to be and so like you get to make a choice every day about who is the person that I want to be and that boils down to on a on a grand scale it is the summation of little choices you make every day and I'll tell everybody like listen again we talked about it like nobody's perfect but be really careful about the small things that you let slide it is so easy this is coming from somebody and I don't mind talking about who had an affair okay first it started out as like always just nice to get some attention you know it wasn't like oh I didn't want that to happen but I slowly like eroded what my hard boundary was yeah and eventually you wind up in a place where you go how the fuck did it happen well I know how it happened this was my line I said you know that line it's okay you know no it's not okay that's right so having your I think again like getting back to masculinity and ethics again nobody's perfect but having your mind like and having kids now this really changes it what I want my daughter to grow up married to a guy like me when I want my son to grow up to be someone like me and now I need to retroactively think about how am I going to handle these situations with that being my mindset you know and you know again I'm not perfect and I still screw stuff up but that has been a little bit of a game changer in terms of how I approach things yeah I got two things on this the first thing I would say is again great great being aware like you mentioned in this was my life this was my my you and I've talked about this a hundred times yeah and I think for me one thing that I kind of had to that I adapted quickly with my perception of the world was that you know I wasn't able to lean on what I didn't know I leaned on what I knew right and I used the opposite meaning you know I didn't know what a good dad looked like I knew what a bad one looked like so just don't do that right like when they came to and that goes with anything I just was able to use the opposite but I would say this like you know it comes to be an authentic you know you don't have to go chop down trees but you should have the capacity to do it you don't have to be a violent person walking through mad every single day but you should have the ability to be violent right like you you have to learn all of these skills and I think as a man that's one of the most important things is being able to put on these different hats metaphorical hats and being able to do that when you need to do that yeah like if you have to be a protector be that right there in that moment if you have to be violent and handle business be able to do it right and to me that I mean that's my biggest thing I think it's great I mean being being that young I think I was probably around that same age when I started like thinking about okay well shit like all these say was he's 18 okay now I think I was about the same age when I was like okay well who am I supposed to be you know who you're supposed to be you yeah and it's gonna take some time to get there yeah they're like knowing like knowing who you are internally and then making sure the external manifest that you know just thinking about what you said I remember what is the old Chinese or Japanese proverb which is better to be a warrior in a garden than a a gardener in a war right that's real shit man it's real guys Andy Lane that was three yeah hey Lane thank you so much for coming on the show again bro thanks for having me yeah welcome anytime it's always great to see you I thought the show was great I appreciate your input and advice I'm sure everybody else did as well uh where can people follow you at if they're not following you so far yeah so I mean social media is kind of my digital business card at biolane is where you can find me on most platforms and then my website biolane.com has all my stuff on there and then like you know my nutritional coaching app carbon diet coach for people who are looking for like really affordable nutritional help but I you know I do the whole gamut in the fitness industry so whatever you need help with one of my companies or one of my products can help you there you go all right guys well that's the show don't forget to pay the fee and uh don't be a huff travel show we're from sleeping on the floor now my jury box froze fuck a boat fuck a stove counting millions in a coke bad bitch booty slow gotta own bank road can't fold doesn't know here's shot case clove clove