689 - BONUS EPISODE: Kathy on Getting and Remaining Sober for 20 Years Without AA (Happy National Sobriety Day!)

Welcome to the Strictly Anonymous Podcast. Conversations with online strangers. We place ads online. Craigslist is definitely the gift that keeps on giving. Real people respond. You're a Singaporean idol and you can't not do it. The temptation is just too much. Does your friend know that you're banging her? No, it's no idea. And anything goes... motto of the show, let your Greek flag fly. Probably the only good advice I'll ever give you is to re-hide your whips and chain. Here is your host, Kathy. Hey. Welcome to Strictly Anonymous Podcast. This is another bonus episode for you in the September 14th. And that is National Sober Day. I have been wanting to tell my story about how I became sober. 20 years ago, okay, I'm 20 years sober this year. And I was like, I taped it a while ago, maybe like six months ago. And I was like, when am I going to air it? Should I air it for my 600 episode? Because I did a big episode about myself on my 500th episode. But then I like Googled it. Like, is there a sober day? And there is. And it's today, September 14th. So I held on to this episode to air it on National Sober Day. Okay, this is a day where you celebrate being sober. Now, first, let me just say if you haven't followed my show yet. On Instagram or Twitter, follow me at Strictly Anonymous. If you want to be on the show, it's called Strictly Anonymous. Because I changed everyone's voices. I didn't change my voice. I should have. I should have made my voice higher a long time ago. I find that when I make a women's voices higher, men like them more. Men love a girl with a fucking high pitch voice. People like people with higher pitch voices. I would get away with so much more if I had like a little girly voice. But I don't. I have like the voice that's always attached to a bossy bitch like me. Anyway, I do change everyone's voices. So if you have like a naughty, interesting story that you want to talk about. While remaining anonymous, I change your voice. You change your name. You could call me from an anonymous number, email me from a fake email. I don't care who you really are. I just want to hear your true story. So if you want to be on the show, send me an email. Strictly Anonymous podcast at gmail.com or go to my website. Strictly Anonymous podcast.com and click on the end of the show. Now, if you have a confession, you want to leave. I have a confession taught line. You could call that number 24-7. Make sure to be in a quiet place when you call. You have four minutes. Leave a message if you need longer. Just call back. I change all the voices over there. The numbers 347, 420, 3579. All of those anonymous confessions are aired over on my Patreon. There's hundreds of them over there. My Patreon is super fun now too, because besides getting all the anonymous confessions, you see all the naughty picks of all of my female guests that have been on my show. They're all anonymous picks, but you see them. You see their bodies. You also get access to my private Discord, and there's over 1,000 people out there, and Discord is the place where you could share whatever you want. So if you want to join that community and get the anonymous confessions and see all the anonymous picks of all of my female guests, there's hundreds of those too. They're all on my Patreon. It's only $5 a month. You can't let any time. It's patreon.com slash Strictly Anonymous podcast. Now listen, like I said, this is National Silver Day, and I really wanted to share my story. I think it's an important one, because I'm a person who has successfully quit drinking for 20 years. It's one of the most powerful things that I ever did for myself. It's one of my favorite things to talk about. I don't do AA, and I'm successfully sober without it, but I did use it in the beginning. I talk about why I drank, how much I drank, what I did with I drank, how I sabotaged things, what it was really all about, you know, what happened when I quit drinking and how hard it was and all the stuff that I went through emotionally and how I got to the other side, and how it changed me for the better in so many ways. I can't even tell you. It's so hard to actually explain to somebody how much getting sober was great for me. I think anyone that's sober for a really long time would say the same thing, because I feel like if you've never gone through it, you don't really understand, but if you're thinking about going through it, because you have your own problem, you fucking should, because on the other side of getting sober after doing some work, it's not easy. There is a better life, okay, and I'm living proof of that, because like I said, I'm 20 years sober this year. It's National Sober Day. I'm telling my story. I think you'll find it interesting. I talk about like little stories here and there about how drunk I used to get. I was like a fun drunk. I do get into what I was doing when I was drinking early on and then how it led to me quitting, why I did decide to quit what was my bottom, and then what happened afterwards? How long it took, what I went through, how hard it was, and then how it made a difference. And it's a happy story. It's a full story with a happy ending, okay? I'm here to say that if you get fucking sober to do the work, you will be a happier person. I am. So anyway, I'm going to get right to it and be right back on with my story. So listen, I need to dedicate this episode to my friend Lee. Okay, listen, my friend Lee was my best buddy from high school. He was the fucking best, and he always told me, hey Kat, that you need to do more episodes about yourself. Get more of you in there. He knew I was doing this episode. I did my 500th episode. He was the one that put this in my brain. He was an addict like me, he unfortunately got addicted to fentanyl, which is a fucked up thing to get addicted to because it's hard to get away from it. And he wound up passing just a couple days ago. I wish I would have sent him this episode to listen, because like I said, he always was telling me I should put more episodes like this out, so I dedicated to him. He was the fucking best, the nicest, smartest, coolest, kindest person I knew. I'm gonna fucking miss him. Love you Lee, this one's for you. This is the strictly anonymous podcast. Hi, listen, I have been wanting to do my sober journey episode for a while. Okay, because I think it's super interesting, and it could help others. Talking about addiction and quitting and getting sober is always one of my favorite topics, because it's something that I did that changed me for the better, and was the most amazing thing that I did. And of course I did things a little different, as usual, like always. And that's why I think my story could help people. I know that in the beginning for me, when I quit drinking and started out looking for help, I was really concerned that there would be no other women like me, that this was just like a guy thing, okay? Turns out it's not. My story is called the sobriety sex and sabotage, because listen, anytime I got drunk, I blacked out, fucked a lot of people in sabotage of my whole life, okay, that was me. There were times I got to say after I quit drinking that. Every now and then I'd be like, maybe, like, why did I quit? Maybe I wasn't that bad, but I could just ask any of my friends and they'd be like, oh no, you were really fucking horrifying. Not to the point where I was ever like a mean drunk or anything like that, but I definitely wasn't representing who I was. And I think that's something that a lot of times it really bothers me when people say, oh, what you do and what you say and who you are when you drink is the real you. I would say for addicts, maybe for regular people that's true, but for addicts, it's not true. I think it is like the worst part of you. The part of you that you are pretending to be because you think you're a piece of garbage deep down inside and so you're just projecting this mess of a person because you don't feel worthy of being who you really are. And that's what I found when I quit drinking. But you're going to hear all the whole story from the beginning. And from the beginning, I mean, listen, I'm going to first explain to you why I quit. And what was going down while I was drinking? Like I said, I was a total blackout drinker. And I never realized that that was like an issue. You know, I always thought I was just more fun than the rest of my friends. Because for me, the party never fucking ended. I was a work hard playhard girl. I was always responsible. So I was very functioning, right? I wasn't like drinking every night and not showing up for work or anything. I'd show up for work, but I'd puke in between phone calls and stuff like that. I'd look like a mess, I would say. One of the great things about getting sober when I was like 34. If I see anybody now, they're always like, wow, you look fucking great. I'm like, most people wouldn't get that. Most people look better when they're 32 than when they're 54. But because I was such a fucking mess, I don't think I put on any makeup. My hair would be ratty. I would self-care when out the window. So I actually looked 10 times better now. Because I'm like coherent and like paying attention to myself and taking care of myself. So that was one of the positives about being such a train wreck when I was younger. That those people that knew me back then that I've been seeing me are always like, oh, you're like fucking great. But anyway, let's get back to my story. So I was always a blackout drinker. I always thought I was more fun. Because I was a type of person like that. Like the minute I took that first sip, I was not going home until there was not one drop of alcohol available. Okay, there were times where I would fucking sip people's drinks after the bar closed. Like the endings of it because I just wanted more. Okay, it was like there's something in me that would click. And the minute that alcohol went in there and gave me that incredible high. Okay, let me tell you, I was a fun drunk. Like I said, I was not like a nasty drunk. I was fun. A lot of my friends, even though they knew I had a problem, they loved hanging out with me because I was crazy. But fun crazy, right? So like the minute I drank, I would feel fucking great. And I just did not want to stop. There was no stopping. I always felt like my friends who would come out with me that would drink two drinks and then go home. I was like, what? Fucking dullards. I just thought I was more fun than them and they were losers. Because I didn't have that ability, but I didn't really look at it that way then, right? I just like I said, I just thought I was like super fun and always out for a good time, like live life. You're just going to die one day. I mean, I still have that attitude, but that's really not what I was doing. Okay, back then. I was always drinking to the point of extremes. And I couldn't stop myself. I was a vodka and anything drinker. And I would get one of those drinks and it wasn't like I liked the taste of alcohol. Okay, sorry. I liked a like a dirty martini. That was something I kind of savored, but anything else. I just drink it fucking fast because the reason why I drank was to get drunk. I was not like, oh, let me pair this wine with my pasta and have a great tasting experience. No fucking way. Okay, I never really liked to drink unless I was getting drunk. I wasn't a day drinker. I wasn't like afternoon drinker. Like I said, I wasn't appearing my food with wine drinker. I was a get as fucking drunk as I can drinker. Okay, and that was the point. So I only really drink at night. Drinking during the day was the worst because I would drink so much as I'm like pass out. So I would be like going out drinking drinking. Like I said, vodka with anything. And I'd sip a drink and two sips. Okay, two sips. And I'm a tiny person. Not that I'm like short. I'm like five seven, but I'm like 120 pounds of my whole life. So I could drink a drink and two sips. And I would have a lot of drinks in the night. That's why I was black and out. I'd probably have six and then I'd do shots. And if I did shots, I liked tequila and tequila. I'm sorry. That's not a normal alcohol. There's a little bit of a drug thing going on in tequila, right? We all know that. It is hardcore. I mean, those were my craziest nights. Tequila was, had me off the rails. But anyway, I do shots. I was a vodka drinker. I never drank beer. And if I was going to drink beer, there was a time where I would drink 40s. And the reason why I drink 40s, I was like, I don't understand why. Like 40s get such a bad rap. They're so like, oh, 40s are cheap, shit beer. But because I was drinking to get drunk to meet 40s made sense. I was like, like I said, there was a time that I'd go to parties. And I'd be drinking, bringing like a six pack of 40s. And I was like, why is nobody else doing this? This shit gets you drunk and one can. It's so much more alcohol. You drink regular beer. You have to drink like 18 of them. It's 18 loaves of bread. Beer is all carbs. It's gross. I can never drink it. So there was a time where I drink beer. I drink 40. So any drunks out there that haven't quit yet. If you really want to get drunk, drink a 40. It's so much more efficient. So, you know, I would drink that and I would black out. And listen, I wasn't blacking out every single time in the beginning. I started very young drinking, like most people at parties, seven grades, dealing alcohol. I would always make a joke and say, oh, most people had a pool in their backyard. I had a church because my father was a reverend. And that church was filled with alcohol. And across the street, from the church was a big forest. I mean, it was a forest test because we were little. It was like probably one block of trees. So anyway, we would like go in because we had the keys. I mean, it did a lot of shit in that church because it was just like my backyard. It wasn't like a holy place to me because that's just because it was there. So we would go in, fill up garbage bags of ice and whatever kind of liquor we could get our hands on. And we would go over to those woods and we would drink. And we would have contests drinking contests with the guys. And this is where the fucked up shit started. And this is where any young girls or young people listening to this are going to be like, what the fuck? But back in those days, this is like the shit that went down. It was really sick. There was a lot of R-A-P-E going on. You didn't even think anything of it. I didn't even realize that stuff was going down until way later. But we would go into the woods with these guys. And when you're young like that, you're just drinking whatever. So it was like Seagram 7, nasty shit. And we would have drinking contests with the guys. And what I didn't know, what my girlfriends didn't know, was those guys were not drinking. They were like holding it to their lips while we were drinking. And we, because I'm a competitive bitch, I would want to drink more than them. But they were drinking nothing. So the girls would get blackout drunk. And they would hold us down and finger us and do all kinds of crazy shit. It was like, at the time, like I said, because it was such a different time. And it was such a fucked up time for women, if you ask me. That that stuff was like, oh, it happened. You almost felt, not almost. You felt like it was your fault. You know what I mean? It wasn't like a thing that I ever processed in my brain as something fucked up until way later. It wasn't until I quit drinking. And I went to my first AA meeting. That some girl was telling her story and talking about all the times she got really drunk. And these guys took advantage of her. And how she put that together. And I was like, oh, my God, that happened to me so many times that I never even realized it. And it was fucked up. And that's the kind of shit that went down. That went down all through high school, just crazy drinking. I lived in the suburbs at that time. And once I started driving, I was like drinking and driving. And I just remember like before I moved into the city, I had a time where I was like, the moving out of the suburbs into the city couldn't have come faster because I felt like, you know, it was either I was going to kill myself or kill a family because I was driving drunk all the time. There would be times that I would be driving home from the city. And I wouldn't remember whether I took the tunnel or the bridge to get home. There were times where I would be driving down the highway. And I would be like, oh, it's going straight for the really long time so I could close my eyes and take a nap. I mean, I survived it all. And I never did have an accident. And I never did kill a fucking family. Like killing yourself was one thing. But imagine doing that and hurting somebody else. That's the worst crime imaginable. So I think God, I was lucky. Knock on wood because I was doing fucked up things that I eventually moved to the city. And I didn't have to drink and drive anymore. But that's when things turned up a notch because listen, I did not have to get in my car. So there was no limit. I could black out and get in a fucking cab. And somehow I would wind up home. I mean, most of the time I'm out with friends. And there is drunk as I am. And there is drunk as I am. So we would just be laughing at the scenario. And I kind of lived a double life. I had a lot of friends that I partied with and went out and drank with. And they were like into parting as much as I was. But I always had these side friends that we just didn't do that together. And there was a couple of friends that I would meet up and just do dinner and have us do social things with them. But never involved drinking. So they didn't really see me in that mode. And then there was one who reported back to me one night. Because apparently I was in a cab. And I was blacked out. I don't remember anything. And this is like a guy who runs a whole huge company. He's like a major CEO. And in the middle of the night, like four o'clock in the morning. This guy gets a call from me. This is what he tells me. I don't have any recollection of it. But he gets a call. I'm calling him. I made a car. And they're taking me through a tunnel. And they're kidnapping me. I didn't know where the fuck I was. Somehow that cab driver got the phone from me. And got his address. Or he told me his address. And I get to his apartment building. He comes down. I am in his lobby. Okay, this like I said, this guy's like a CEO. He lives in a fat apartment with a door man. You can cause a lot of money to live there. He's like a rip-rap in there. But there I am. He says he comes down. And there I am in the lobby, like fighting with his door man. Trying to get up. But drunk as a skunk. Okay, so he gets me in the cab. He brings me to my apartment. And he, I don't have my keys. Okay. And I am looking for my keys. And so he asks me like where does the super live. And I keep giving him 15 different wrong apartments. And so this poor guy is like running through my apartment building. To all different floors. To all different apartments. Trying to find my super. I'm so blacked out drunk. I don't remember where the fuck he lives, right? But like I said, I don't remember any of this. All I remember. Okay, all of a sudden, I come out of my blackout. Okay, and I'm in front of my apartment door with my leg spread. My whole bag. Like pocketbook is dumped out in front of me. I had like looking for my keys. And there in front of me is my friend and my door man. And my super opening the door to let me into my house. So that was just one night. There was many of those nights. But most of the time, like I said, I was going out with friends. And I was hanging out with people who were as drunk as I was. And I was like the source of everybody's entertainment. Because I was fucking crazy and fun. And always out to going out. I would go out till four o'clock in the morning. And I would go to my day job at nine a.m. And I would always show up. Like I said, but I would be puking in between phone calls. And everyone knew what I was doing. I did feel like I was living a double life. Because I was always responsible in the daytime and at night. I was just like on this. I dressed super slutty. Okay, before girls dressed super slutty. I mean, now I always say like I was like way ahead of the times. Because the way I dressed back then, no girl dress like that. Now every girl dressed like that. Back then, girls only dressed slutty on Halloween. And it just really showed that every girl wanted to dress slutty. But they had to use an excuse because it wasn't acceptable back then. For me back then, though, I was into super slutty clothes. I would wear those clothes to go out looking back. And after I quit, I was like, wow, like it's so interesting that I really sort of portrayed myself. As just kind of like a vapid bimbo. And the truth is, I'm the opposite of that. I'm actually kind of super smart and really together and really responsible. But for some reason, I didn't feel like that was valid. Or I didn't feel like that was good to portray. I put my worst foot forward and showed my worst self. And I remember it was always so funny when I wanted a boyfriend when I was younger. And my friends, they'd be like, when are you going to stop drinking so you can meet a guy? I'm like, I'm never going to stop drinking so I can meet a guy. Like eventually some guy will walk into the bar and look across the room and save me. But the truth is, the kind of guy that I wanted to date, which was like a good guy that was successful that had a shit together, would never walk in a bar and look across it and see me and want to date me. He'd run for the fucking hills. And therein lies the problem with addicts and with me in that I was living a lie. I was not being myself. I was being, like I said, my worst self. There was a lot of sex that went down. I can't tell you how many times I woke up with someone in my bed and I was like, get the fuck out. Okay, a lot of times, most of the times, I slept with my guy friends. So, you know, a lot of guys are fucking lucky back then. I wasn't so much the type of person that would pick up guys that I didn't know, like randoms. It was more likely that if you were my guy friend and you were around, you'd get to bang me. I mean, it sounds funny, but it's actually horrifying. For me, I had sex with people that I would have never had sex with when I was sober. And that was another kind of sabotage thing. That wasn't good for me to do. I'm a very sexual person. I'm very open-minded, but that wasn't like open-minded, great sex. That was fucked up, not good for me, shit that I was doing. I wasn't taking good care of myself. Thank God, like I said, it was mostly like my friends. I mean, there was this one guy, and I think I've talked about this on episodes before that was one of my go-to guys at the towards the end, and every time I'd wake up, he'd be at my house cuddling with me, and I'd be like, oh, get the fuck out. And then I'd like, call them up and talk to him about like, oh, my God, I can't believe I fucked you again. And he'd be like, don't worry about it. You know, I would like literally feel bad about banging them, and then they would be the people I would talk to because they were my friends. Oh, my God, it was so bad. And towards the end, this kind of stuff happened more and more. And it got to the point, like I took off from sex for a while because I was like banging so many randoms that I didn't like that it was actually ruining sex for me. Towards the end, I was very conflicted because I really didn't like any more what I was doing when I was drinking, and it was really affecting me, and it was getting worse and worse. They say alcoholism addiction is a progressive disease, and it absolutely is. I blacked out for a long time towards the end, the last couple of years I couldn't not black out no matter what I did. And I like every other addict that tries to keep their addiction going. I switched things up because it was actually annoying. I'm like, I'm going out to have a good time. And I'm blacking out two hours in. I wanted to have fun. And I didn't mind blacking out at 3am and having two hours of fun. I was blacking out at like 12, and I'm like, fuck that. Like I want to enjoy myself because when you're blacked out, you don't remember what's going on. So I remember quitting heart alcohol and just drinking beer. I remember just not having shots, doing anything I could to make that blackout not happen so fast so I can enjoy myself. And all the things that I tried worked for a little bit, but then I just kept blacking out from that quickly. And it got to the point where towards the end right before I quit. It didn't matter what I fucking drank. I blacked out in one second. I just couldn't hold it anymore. And I will say that a lot of times no matter how drunk you are, you don't cross like certain lines. You'll do like really crazy things, but you don't cross certain lines. And for most of my drinking days, I did crazy things. I fucked a lot of people like I said that I didn't want to. But I didn't do things that I woke up and I was like, oh my god, I just thought I was like super funny and whatever. But towards the end, I will say besides blacking out so quickly, I was doing things that I was like embarrassed about. I would wake up and the first thought was like, oh my god, what did I do? And how many showers do I need to take so I could forget about it? I felt really awful about myself. And I think it's like a common thing that a lot of people feel. And maybe people feel it a lot longer than me. Like the minute I started feeling that, that's when I started to really think, oh my god. Do I have a problem? Should I quit drinking? Like I said, I was trying to do everything but quit. I was still trying to make it fucking work. You know, and you realize later on why that is. It's not about alcohol. Like I said, I never even liked the taste of it. It was about I needed to get drunk and why did I need to get drunk? I remember exactly where I was when I called up Robert Kelly. He was a sober friend of mine. And we always talked about my drinking. And I remember exactly like I said where I was when I asked him if he thought I had a problem. And he said, yes. And I remember how I felt. It was like the weakest, most vulnerable feeling. You know, it was like, oh my god, I really have a problem. I was really facing that reality. And it was the worst feeling I just felt so weak and helpless. Like what the fuck do I do? I didn't feel at that point that I knew what to do. And so thank god there was something called AA. Now my story as it progresses, you will realize that I don't go to AA anymore. And I've been successfully sober of 20 years. But in the beginning, I will say that if it wasn't there, I would have been fucking lost and I would have never been able to quit. Because like I said, I didn't know what to do. I felt really helpless and alone. I went to my first AA meeting. And it was very, I don't know. I just felt like, you know, an alcoholic is like a guy, a scruffy guy. I don't know, I had this weird stereotype in my head of an alcoholic. And so I was really concerned I'm going to go to this meeting and it's going to be all these guys. And what was so magical about my first AA meeting is that the meeting that I happened to go to had like more women than men. And it wasn't even a women's meeting. But there were more women than men. And these women were attractive. They looked like they were professionals. It was exactly what I needed to know that, okay, I'm in the right place. And then like I said, the girl that was telling her story because at an AA meeting, one person gets up and tells her story. Like I'm telling you right now, this is an AA meeting for me. Tells her story. And you listen and what's always great about those stories is like you could relate on certain levels. And when that girl talked about all the R-A-P-E that went down when she was drinking, when she was younger, I was like, oh my god, like that same shit happened to me. And I never put that together. Like I talk a lot about Poke Poke on my podcast. And I think it's because of that kind of stuff that happened to me when I was drinking and the stuff that those guys would do. When I was drunk. And so that first meeting, like I said, was magical for me. I felt like it was important that I knew that there was other women that had this, that these people that were alcoholics, weren't these people that I envisioned. They were every kind of person, okay? Every kind of fucking person. After a while, you realize you could relate to any fucking alcoholic, no matter where they are in the spectrum. You all have things in common, you know? And I started doing AA. I never got a sponsor. I never was able to do that successfully. I never, I tried one. And she was a young girl. She was like only 19. And I was like 34 and I had been drinking since I was like 15. When this girl had been drinking like a year. And when she was like trying to talk to me, I was like, listen bitch. Like you cannot relate. Like I don't know, I just felt like how do you quit after a year and you're sitting here trying to teach me how to quit? Like, I'm not going to happen, you know? So I was never successful at getting a sponsor. But because I'm a talkaholic, okay? I really am. I always have been a swiss starter podcast. That's why I'm still doing it 650 something episodes later. I always talk to people about my stuff. And I have to tell you, after I quit drinking, the only fucking thing I had left to do when I felt horrible was talk. Okay, before that, I didn't have to talk to anyone about anything. Because I actually just go out, get fucking drunk. And I would forget about anything that happened. It was like my go to check out, not deal with my life problems. Okay, I don't never brushed my teeth. I never washed my face when I got drunk. It was like, it made my life easier. There's something I had to do. When I quit drinking, all of a sudden you have to be present 24-7. And one of the big things that happens when you do kick your habit, regardless of what it is, that first year, you are fucking exhausted. I remember being so exhausted that first year, because I was not used to living life every day in reality. Do you know what I mean? And even if I'm only drinking two or three nights a week and it's only from 11 p.m. to 5 a.m., there is so much time that you're getting ready to go out and then there's so much time that you're sick or hung over and then the rest of the time you're talking about it, that you're really checking out all the fucking time. So when you don't have anything to check out with or nothing to talk about, I had no friends. I lost a lot of friends when I quit drinking. Okay, no place to fucking go. Nothing to do. And you have to brush your teeth and wash your face every night. I was like, wow. Now I know why a part of me drank, because it's easier. Life 24-7 in your face reality was like a mind fuck for me at first. I was extremely exhausted. Like I said, I didn't get a sponsor in the beginning. I did though go to AA meetings. I never spoke up. I had a fear of speaking up, but I would just go and I would listen and was so super helpful. I never did any steps. I didn't really understand them. But I had a friend, or a good friend, who was very hardcore AA person. He probably still is to this day, very successful at it, very much in the program. And what he used to say to me is like, Kathy, you do the program and you do all the things that they teach you to do just like naturally. And maybe that's why I was able to give up going to meetings and still be successful because I think what meetings are all about is like checking in and being honest about where you're at and talking shit out and remembering that you have a fucking addiction. And I do that all of the time. Okay, there was a time recently that I had an operation and I was on opioids. They gave them to me, right? And I was like, why do I feel so fucking good? And I remember like walking around and thinking like, wow, this is how like regular people feel. But that's obviously not true, right? Regular people feel like I do. Sometimes you're happy, sometimes you're sad, but I just felt so fucking good that I was like, oh my god, this is like what it feels to be normal. And I started to get like, oh, I'm going to take one more. And I just remember calling up all my friends and telling them what I was going through and saying, I think maybe I should stop this because it is too good. And really checking in and being honest about saved me. I like, there are a lot of people that fall off the fucking wagon because they take those and then they get addicted to that. And I get why that happens. And that's what AA is about. It's like talking. You go into an AA meeting, you start saying that you're feeling that way. People are going to be like, you need to fucking stop, right? You got to be honest with yourself. I tend to be that way naturally. Like I said, my friend was like, you just kind of like do the program regularly. And because when I quit drinking, like I said, the only thing I had was talking. And because I didn't want to talk so much at the meetings, I just started talking to the friends that were left over, right? That one friend who found me in the cab. I remember there was one time when we were friends. And this, all the things I'm going to tell you, anything that stands out in your memory, like exactly where you were in the scene and you could see it. It's like a flash in your brain. That's when important shit is going down. Just like when I remembered that Robert Kelly, where I was when I called him up on the phone to ask him if I was an addict. Just like I remembered where I was when one of my friends said to me, Kathy, do you realize that all of the drama that you have going in your life always like revolves around drinking? Did you ever think if you didn't drink that you'd have no drama? And he was right. There was a lot of fucking drama, a lot of sabotage, a lot of messed up shit. But there's something in all of that that sort of works for an addict, right? Because what an addict really needs is to not deal with reality. So the more stupid fucked up drama, the better. Because then you don't have to face the real shit. But it's kind of like your foot hurts so you bump your knee. And now you have two problems. I mean, it's not really solving anything. It's like the dumbest thing to do. And that's why the greatest thing I did was quit drinking. And I changed my life for the better, but that first year was so difficult. I did everything wrong. Like AA, everything AA tells you not to do. I did, okay? I am the type of person. If you tell me not to do something, I just want to do it even more. And that's another reason why eventually after a while AA didn't work for me because talking about drinking, living in the world about not drinking. It's all about not drinking. And you're talking about not drinking. But all I hear is like fucking drinking. I just didn't want to live in it all the time. And I felt like after a while, my personality type, like I said, I'm kind of like you tell me not to do something. I want to do it more. Just rebellious. I was thrown out of three high schools. I don't listen to fucking anyone. And I don't think that that's wrong, okay? I like that personality trait. But in this situation, it kind of was like, it wasn't going to work. AA wasn't going to work for my type of personality. I get why it works for other people. I think it's so valid. I think what they do there is great. If I didn't start there, I wouldn't be where I am right now. It helped me in the beginning. I probably only did it for a year. But after that, I started to see a therapist like more. And I remember it was really important that my therapist said, you don't have to go to AA if you don't want to. Like I said, I hated that having a sponsor them trying to tell me I have to go to a meeting every day for the rest of my life. That was just not going to work with me. I wanted to quit drinking and get on with my life. But that first year was difficult. They say not to get in a relationship. What did I do? I started fucking a guy. My old co-host Tommy. That's when I started banging Tommy. It was a big fat mess. I didn't go to any bars in the beginning. Now I could go to a bar. I mean, I don't go to bars because it's boring. But there was a time where I could go to bars. I could be around people that drink. I could make drinks for people. I could have alcohol in my house. I have no desire to ever go back there. So it's all good. But in the beginning for that first year, one good thing I did was not go into any bars. But I did have this crazy relationship with Tommy. Then I was banging some guy in San Francisco. He'd fly me out and he'd fuck me. This is another one of those times where I remember exactly where I was. I had just come back from one of my weekends. I would call them fly me out. He would fly me out on a Friday and then fly me back on a red eye to go to work. I'd fly out and fuck them all weekend. San Francisco guy. I remember one time coming back and then going and seeing Tommy at his bar and fucking him in the back room. It was closed but he owned the bar. So we fucked in the back room. And I remember calling my sister from the deli and being like, I don't know why I just fucked Tommy. I really like San Francisco guy. I don't understand why. And she's like, I know what you did, Kathy. Because you're sweating the phone call from San Francisco guy. You haven't heard from him. So you did that to distract yourself. And it was exactly true. I was like, oh my god, that's what I fucking do. And that's when I'm sober, right? And I think that a lot of people think, oh, take the drug of choice or the thing of choice that you are addicted to. Take that away and you all your problems are solved. There was a girl recently who tried to save a guy she found on the street. And she got him to quit his crystal math and all the shit that he did. And then he turned nuts. And everyone was like, oh, that's so sad. Like he failed. Like he went off and now he's acting crazy. How terrible. What a sad story. It's like, no, that's normal. Because what you're using, whatever it is, sacks, drugs, alcohol, Jesus. Okay, there are some people that are addicted to religion. And whatever you're using isn't the problem. Okay, you'll only realize what the problem is when you get rid of that. And that's when you're facing your problems. And that's when the real work starts. Quitting your shit is just the first step. After that is all the other shit. Okay, like I said, I was exhausted the first year. I was still sabotaging left and right. I was a fucking mass. I remember going to a wedding. And this is another one of those times where I remember exactly where I was. Driving in a cab and someone called me and said, oh, the guy you like, I was like in love with one of my friends. And he's like, the guy you liked met a really great girl. And she's like, really hot. And I remember being so freaked out and feeling so jealous and so upset that this was happening. And I, without even thinking I opened my phone and I start looking for guys to have sex with. And I realize every guy that I used to have sex with, I can't hit them up because I can't fuck any one of them straight. And I remember feeling like, what the fuck am I going to do? Like, how do I get out of myself? That feeling of feelings. Regular feelings that people get jealous, the upset. Like, I couldn't fucking deal. And my go to always in the past when I drank. That's what alcohol was for me. Anytime I felt uncomfortable. Anytime I felt sad. Anytime my fucking cat died. I went out drunk and never thought about it again. That's what I always did. I was always running away from my feelings because my feelings. I didn't know how to fucking deal with them. And I do believe that whenever you quit drinking, you go back emotionally to the age you were when you started. Okay, I started drinking at 15. I was like a fucking emotional. Emotionally, I was 15 when I quit. I didn't know how to fucking deal with a thing. And I got to tell you that feeling of looking through my phone and realizing I can't fuck anyone. And I can't get away from this feeling was horrifying. It was like being trapped inside my body. And I learned. And I have to say I learned through those times to call people and talk it fucking out. Because that's all you got, right? There's no more escaping. And while I will say, if anyone's listening to this and wants to follow in my footsteps, that eventually after a while of you sitting there, like feeling like you're in a fucking straight jacket dealing with your feelings, that you don't know how to deal with eventually over time, you learn how to deal with them. And it becomes easier and easier. But it is not like in the movies. It is not an overnight thing. Every year you are sober makes a huge difference. First, your second, your third year. I would say maybe after the seventh year, you're like good to go. But in the beginning, there's massive changes every year. And you get stronger and better at everything. In the beginning, I was still sabotaging why? Because I didn't have alcohol. And I still don't know how to deal with my fucking feelings. So yeah, if I'm upset that San Francisco guy hasn't called me after a weekend of fun, I'm going to go fuck Tommy. Because I can't think about the feelings of waiting around for this guy to call me. And I'm sweating him. And that's when I realized this is why I did all that shit. Because I was always running away from my feelings. And so that first year, anytime I had a terrible feeling, I stayed home. I locked myself in my house. I did nothing for the whole year. And when I was home that year, I would literally sometimes put on my music really loud. I was used to going out every single night. Right? So now here I am at home on a Saturday night. I felt like the loser. And so there were nights where I would put on my makeup and my clothes and blast the music and just be like, but nowhere to fucking go. So one day I said to Tommy, if you take me out to dinner, I just want to like get dressed up and go out someplace. When I put on my slutty clothes and my makeup and I felt so uncomfortable. Okay, I was like, what the fuck am I doing? He winds up taking me to this really nice restaurant platiforma and is like a Brazilian barbecue. And we get in there. And there was a huge table next to our table. And nobody was there, but it was set up. And it looked like it was going to fit 30 people, right? And like I said, I put on all my makeup and my slutty clothes. And I felt like I looked like shit. I was so uncomfortable and I was like, oh my god, I don't know if this works for me anymore. And I sit down with Tommy. And then in comes the 30 people to set up that table right in front of us. And who are those 30 people? 30 models from Fashion Week. 30 of the most beautiful women sat down right in front of me. And there I was in my slutty clothes. And it was probably the best thing that could have happened to me because it was kind of like there is no going back. That night I thought I was going to go back. Like I was going to get back what I had. I was going to be the old me and it was going to work. And it was like, uh-uh, doesn't fucking work. It was like my face was smudging it. I only felt even worse about myself. But it was actually like I said the best thing that happened. Because I realized those clothes need to be thrown out. There's no more dressing like that, looking like that. There's no more party girl. That's not the way I'm going to be hot anymore. To me, the way I'm hot is if I sit across from you in the daytime and I fucking talk to you like a real person. That's where I'm at my hottest. Am I hot in a bar? No. I have no fucking game in a bar. And that's something, you know, that happens. And it's kind of sad. There were a couple times where I tried to go into bars. Because eventually I was fine with not drinking. And I would go into bars. And there's a certain time of night in a bar where the alcohol starts, you know, kicking in for everybody. And everyone becomes like a little loose. And everyone becomes like a little sexier. And everyone becomes a little bit more fun. And if you're straight and you're sitting there, I don't know. I felt like the most unfun, unsexy, un-loose person. It just wasn't for me anywhere. Like I said, I have no game in a bar. I'm not interested. I'm still a fucking fun person, okay? And that's why I realized after a while, I didn't really need alcohol. I could still have a good time no matter what. But I don't have fun in bars. That first year, like I said, was exhausting. I realized a lot of things about myself. I read through my journals. I was always a journal writer. Before there was Google, I wrote my journals every single night. I have probably 15 books of every day of my life written down. And during that first year, I read through every single one of them from when I started writing to when I quit drinking up into that point. And I couldn't believe how many times I wrote in there that I had a problem. If you would have told me before I read those journals, did I think I had a problem? I would say, no, I didn't realize it until that moment in time when I talked to Robert Kelly on the street. That's when I realized, no. There were so many times I had brought it up and spoke about that in my private moments in my journal. And that's what was so amazing about writing in my journal. When I read back and read everything, it's like your mind tends to remember things and keep memories in a very different way than in reality. When you write shit down, you see what was really fucking going on. And you'll never remember what was going on if you don't write it down in the moment. There was, like I said, so many moments that I felt terrible about what I did, that I thought that I needed to quit drinking, that I said to myself that I would. But those thoughts were never registered for me. Somehow, I had forgotten those. So it was super interesting going back and reading. But like I said, every year after I quit, it just became easier to deal with my feelings and my emotions. I realized that I drank all those times because having any kind of feeling other than good was unbearable. And like I said, it becomes more bearable as you go on. And I could tell you at this point in my life, I've been through some horrifying things since I quit drinking, like everybody else, you know, life is 20 years. Some terrible, horrible things have happened. And I have never once thought to go back and drink my feelings away because I can't deal. I am fully functional, feet on my fucking ground. I could deal with any emotion that comes my way. And I mastered it. I'm fine. I'm like a normal person. And that is amazing. And that's where you want to be. I feel like my feet are on the ground. And they never were before I quit drinking. What I always tell people about quitting drinking for me, it was like the difference that it made in me was like living in a dark room and then turning on the lights and living in a totally light room. Like literally that much of a difference. Even though life was hard at first, full time 24-7, now I couldn't imagine it any other way. There's a great Metallica documentary. And they were just documenting the bands when their studio life and shit. And then during that time that they were documenting things, the singer got sober. So that became a big part of the documentary. And there's at one point where he said, like getting sober for him was like turning the volume like a two to like a 10. And I totally get what he means. Like to me, all the emotions that I feel now and everything that I experienced, good and bad, is so much more amazing than that dull life I led when I was half cocked out of my brain, not facing anything. A lot of my friends, some of my friends, my narcissist ones especially, would really get on me afterwards because after I quit drinking, I would actually cry about things. I had more emotions about things and would talk about things because I was dealing with them now, right? Before, I never cared about a fucking thing. I was like, quote unquote, strong. Everyone thought I was so fucking strong. But really, I was in. I was avoiding everything. I never dealt with one thing. I just drank. So when I got sober, there would be times where I'd be on the phone crying to my friends. And they'd be like, ah, you're awful. Like you were so much better when you were drinking. But this is what I'm going to say. And I do know people that aren't even alcoholics, but anyone who like never gets sad and never has a weak moment and never feels anything bad. Yeah, that's great. I live that life for a really long time. And you do feel fake strong for a while, and it is great. But I'm going to tell you what the downfall to that life is. You never feel the good things either. It is a, you know, selling your soul to the devil. You say, I don't ever want to feel bad. Well, you know what? You're never going to feel really that great. Okay, and that's the life that I lived. I never dealt with my bad feelings, but I never felt super happy. Like, and now I feel everything. And yeah, now I feel weak. I feel sad. I feel the negative things. But the positive things are equally as fucking loud. Everything goes from a two to a ten. And it really was the best, most powerful, life-changing thing I ever did. I still don't drink. It's so easy for me not to, because it was such a positive thing for me. It was really hard. I will say, again, one of the other things I remember feeling during that first year is like being at a friend's pool party. And everybody was just talking about nonsense. Regular life nonsense. And I felt so jealous. I was like, oh, my life is all about this deep shit. And I'm dealing with this. And I don't have any of just that nonsense life stuff, you know. But I have to say that sometimes if you take a year, two years of your life to dig deep and do the hard work, it pays off. I eventually got back to talking about nonsense and my regular life. And I was just 10,000 times happier, because I took those couple of years to really work on myself. And being miserable, I mean, it was difficult. Not easy, really hard, but so fucking worth it. There were so many books that I read. Like I said, I went to meetings a little bit in the beginning. And then I did a lot of therapy. I was still writing in my journal. And one of the things that really saved me and saves me to this day is whenever I have a feeling. I, especially if I'm embarrassed or I did something terrible, whatever it is, I can't wait to call up every single one of my friends and cop to it and talk about it. I have to get it up and out. And that really saved me. And that's all you can do is like fucking face shit. And they say like the only way out of something is through it. And that's the way that a fucking goes. And for a long time, I never went through anything. I just created 10,000 million other fires to put out, which was that's a sabotage part of it. That's the fucked up bullshit things that you do. I was upset about one guy. I go fuck someone else. I didn't like it. And then I feel bad about that. And it just messed up my whole life. So quitting, drinking, and getting my shit together was the best thing I ever did. I do recommend AA for anybody who needs it, especially in the beginning. I do say, though I am also here to say that I have been very successful at remaining sober and loving it for 20 years without it, too. So that is an option. And that was important for me to hear because it just wasn't going to work for me. But I wanted to be successful. But I also believe in it. And I believe some people need it forever. So I'm not anti AA. I see the value in it. I think it's great if you're going to it. I also, like I said, I think I just naturally AA. All the things that they tell you, like I kind of do those things. My favorite phrase is know thyself. And now that I'm not hiding from myself, I do know myself. And I see myself clearly. And I know who the fuck I am. And I'm happy with who the fuck I am. And that was never the case when I was drinking. So it was the best thing I ever did if anyone has any kind of addiction. And all kinds of things could be an addiction. Or you're married dating in an addict. And you think you want them to quit. And they do. And they're fucked up and sleeping all day. That's a normal process. That's not a failure. That's not oh my god that something's wrong here. No. Nobody that's an addict is an addict because they it's because of alcohol. And you quit it and the problem is solved. Everyone that's an addict is like me. They can't fucking deal with reality with their feelings. It's too much for them. So they are checking out. And you could use anything to check out with. Okay. It's true. It's not just alcohol. It's not just sex. Alcohol is easier. It's an easier thing because alcohol is black and white. You could quit it and then never go in a bar again and be totally fine. It's harder when some people have sex as an addiction because you're still going to be intimate with your partner. It is a part of regular life or food as an addiction. That's another hard one. I was lucky in that I went to alcohol. I will say once an addict, always an addict, I totally believe that. And that's why I don't drink. And that's why I would never drink. That's why I threw those opioids out because I'm like, oh no. Anything that I like, okay. I want it over and over and over and I want more and more and more. If I find a song that I like, I'll listen to it on loop like 50 times. I go to a restaurant and eat the same fucking thing. I like what I like and I want all of what I like. And I think I'll always be an addict. And that's just the way that I'm wired. I do think it comes with the fucked up wiring when you're younger. I don't think people, healthy people that have the healthy childhoods become addicts. I think it is a product of something else. Just the way that it goes. But at the end of the day, do I look back and think, oh, pour me now. I was dealt a hand of cards. I deal with it. I am the type person that can't drink and that's fucking fine. Life short. You can't go back and change things. You could just sort of make things better. And quitting drinking did make things better. I love being sober. And this was great to share my story. You know, this is not what my listeners come here for. But I think the right people will find this episode because of the title, because of what it's about. And I hope it's a story that helps other people. Like all those stories I heard and all those other people talking in AA. They helped me. I hope this helps somebody else. Not only somebody that has an addiction problem themselves, but somebody that's with somebody. Because it's really hard to understand it if you don't have it. If you're that type of person that could put down a drink after you drink two times, you're not not fun. You're fucking normal. And I think normal people, it's hard to understand an addict because you're not wired that way. So I think you could learn from all the things in this episode too. So I hope, I do, I not hope. I know that the right people will find this episode. I hope you enjoyed my little sober journey. It's been 20 years, May 18th, is when it went down. And I couldn't be happier. Thanks so much for listening. Now, the Domino's Box. A small pizza, two sides, or a dessert, up to 5.99. Please put your own box together on Domino's DA. Everyone, thanks so much for tuning in to this week's episode. 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