28: The Magic of the Wash & Set with Heidi Smith, LPCS

♪ Hello, you sentient balls of Stardust. Welcome to Struggle Care. I'm your host, Kasey Davis, and I have a very special guest in the virtual office today, and her name is Heidi Smith. If you've read my book, if you read the acknowledgments, you will have seen her name. She was my therapy supervisor and has now become one of my best friends. And so, hello, Heidi. Hello, thank you for having me. I'm glad you're here. So I have so many things I wanna talk about today, but I wanna start off with the text that you sent me the other day about how you're getting your hair did now. Tell me about it. It's true. So it's funny because I'm actually, so a lot of your model, sometimes I feel like doesn't like totally apply to me just cause I don't struggle in some of the ways. I think that a lot of that you do and some of your other, like I'm a very organized type of a person who loves cleanliness and things like that. So there's lots of things that sometimes I'm like, huh, that's not really my struggle. But I've been sourcing your model when it comes to my hair. So somehow in the last maybe five years, I have gotten this new struggle and I almost feel like it's like a sensory issue with washing my hair. And so I have been, I've kind of adopted this new thing where I don't wash my hair. And it's like the whole thing is super overwhelming to me. I will avoid, I'll take a bath, but like if I have to get in the shower and get my head wet and sopping wet and start the whole process all over, it feels very overwhelming to me. I don't like how it feels. I don't like starting from scratch. I can't stand like trying to fix my hair. I'm not good at it. I'm not like a person who knows how to like round brush, dry my hair. The whole thing's just super overwhelming to me. And what the result of that is, is that I just don't do it. And then I have disgusting hair. And then I'm trying to, you know, throw some dry shampoo on it. And then it turns, it's like the friends episode where like it turns into a paste. I feel like the flour in the oil turns into a paste. And it's just not good. So there is a little walk-in hair salon right next to my grocery store that I go to regularly. And I stopped in one day and asked if I could get a wash and dry. And it was amazing. I left and my hair was like lovely and clean and bouncy. And I asked them if I could come in every Wednesday and Saturday, like at a very specific time where I have kind of a window of opening in my schedule. And I go every Wednesday and Saturday, I pay $20 and I get my hair washed and dried. And I felt so much shame like that maybe that was very, well, lazy of me. And also very maybe like poity toity. I don't know if that's the right word. Oh, it was bougie of you to spend $20 to get it. Yeah, bougie. Yeah, like I'm going to get my hair like set. But I sourced, I sat in the car and I sourced Casey Davis. And I just thought like, she'd be real proud of me. This is like Casey's thing. And so I texted you and told you about it. And I am just real proud of you. I mean, I am so proud of you. It's really like, it seems like kind of a dumb, small thing. But like it's kind of changed my life because I feel nice most days. Like I feel like my hair is like presentable. Whereas I used to always kind of just feel like I kind of had like a greasy, matted hair. And I was always, I just never felt nice. For me, it's like, I guess I think the part that I feel like you were able to help me with was the part where it's like, I was getting stuck and like, why can't I just be the kind of person who wakes up early in showers and washes my hair every day? Like that's what normal people do. Like what's wrong with me? Why don't I enjoy that? Why don't I want to do it and why won't I do it? And I guess the part that I felt like you really inspired me was just like letting it go. Like it doesn't matter. Like just figure out something that works for you. And so that's what I did. Yeah, like who cares? Right. Like maybe it doesn't mean I'm a crappy person. Maybe it just is like something is what it is. And I think I was talking to someone the other day and we were talking about like accommodations and things and they were saying like, I know, but it's not like a disability that keeps me from washing my hair, whatever. And I was like, right. But here's the thing. Like sometimes these like accommodations are because like we can't do it a different way because it's extremely difficult to do it another way. But also like it that there doesn't have to be some like huge disability like if the reality is it's like if it was like life or death or if it was like, you know, you're not going to be okay. If you can't like make yourself get up and shower, like I'm sure that you could like make yourself you could like berate yourself into it every morning. But the reality is is like we only have so much energy, like emotional energy to like force ourselves to do things. And like there's just more important things in your life that you have to like try really hard at, right? Like you're like emotional regulation and like, you know parenting and being emotionally present for your clients. Like we don't have like an infinite amount of that like pushing a boulder up a hill energy, like that willpower. You know what I mean? Right. Right. Then that's like the thing it's like, and I mean, I don't know if this is true for everybody, but I certainly feel like my motivation for my appearance like significantly decreased after I got married. It was like, right. Like I'm all set. I mean, I don't know. It's like this kind of almost, you know, primal, you know, it's like I don't need to fluff my feathers as much. Cause and so I have this thought, you know, I'm like, I could get up early and shower and like do my hair. And then I'm like, but why? Oh, like, what do I really need to, you know, I like you saying, why do I need to push that boulder up the hill today? Like I'm not trying to find a mate. I'm not trying to, you know, and so at the same time, I don't like how it makes me feel and always have dirty hair. Yeah. So it's like finding a solution has been huge for me. And I'll say this. Well, actually, I'm going to say this after a short break. Okay. So we're going to let's take a word from our sponsors. Guys, when I first sold my book to a publisher, I wanted to get some financial advice. 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It comes with a solid stick deodorant, a cream tube deodorant, my favorite, two free products of your choice, like a mini body wash and deodorant wipes and free shipping. As a special offer for our listeners, new customers are going to get $5 off this Lumi starter pack when you use the code struggle care. So go to lumideodorant.com. That's L-U-M-E deodorant.com. That equates to over 40% off your starter pack when you visit Lumi deodorant and use code struggle care. Okay. So I'll say this. Some of it also, like when you were talking about like, you used to have all this motivation to like get up and like fluff your feathers, right? Because you had to like attract a mate. But here's the thing that also I think is like integral to this conversation is like I watch my husband every day, get up, take a shower, walk straight out of the shower and like directly into his pants and his shirt and then like walk out the door. And maybe he trims his beard a little, but like he looks handsome. He looks together. He looks amazing. And I think there is, I don't think it's just this narrative of like, oh, the women let themselves go once the man is trapped. I think it really is like I never should have had to like spend an hour getting ready to be like an acceptable female. It's so true. I mean, sometimes I even look back at like what I used to do. Like the amount of time I used to be put on into my makeup and my hair. And I'm just like, what? I mean, it is it's it taking a shower is not like my son and my husband. Like you said, just hop in and hop out, you know, and just move on with their day. And that's just not what it is for me. I mean, I have like super dry skin. So after I get out of the shower, I have to like do all this lotion on my face. And I have to like let it dry. And then I have to put makeup on on top. It's just like the whole thing feels like such a rigmarole. It is it. I hate it. Yes, I hate it too. And I feel like you have done the thing that we all do, which is like for a long time, we do X, Y, Z, whatever, clean the house, put on makeup, get ready, blah, blah, look fashionable for primarily like an extrinsic motivation of like what people think, how we're perceived, how we're moving through society. And then when we realize either we don't have to do it anymore, we don't want to do it anymore, the pendulum swings like all the way over to like 100%. Well, now I'm not doing anything. Like now I'm literally rolling out of bed, never showering, forgetting deodorant, like wearing big baggy clothes. Because when you detach from that phenomenon of like my beauty belongs to the world, you go all the way to like, I guess nothing matters. Because truly as a woman, like I was never given the opportunity to be like, I enjoy the feeling of clean hair. Because it was always about what I looked like, how I was perceived, what I get a mate. And so I feel like your experience, it's not little. It's profound. Because what happened was you realized, wait, what do I enjoy about a shower? What do I enjoy about my hygiene? What makes me feel good and makes me like the way that it feels and the way that I look, not about like how I perceived. And so I think it's profound because I think it shows that we're so socialized to do these care tasks for the benefit of others, that when that is taken away, we genuinely have no connection to our own functionality. It's so true. And so we have to like come back to center. Yeah. And like I've really looked, yeah, I've kind of entered into this new era where, you know, my son's 11. And so I feel like I'm sort of like, I've told him in the other day, I feel like I'm sort of like peeking up, like taking a breath a little bit. I feel like I've been underwater for the last 11 years just with parenting. We're just, yeah, parenting. And like I haven't really been a priority. And I feel like I'm kind of coming up for air and realizing like I do like to have my hair look nice, you know, like that does matter to me. And like, how can I make that happen for myself? And I think part of the kind of, you know, reward system is like when I do my own hair, I don't actually like how it looks. I'm not like I said, I'm not good at it. And again, I've always told myself like, well, I'm just not committed enough to like getting the right, like, you know, product in the right, blah, de-blah. But you know, I just I'm not that's just not me. I'm not into that. And so like being able to go get a blowout twice a week is like, oh my gosh, it's like it kills all these birds with one stone. And it's amazing. But coming up for a breath and all of that, like even with my face, like, like I have realized that like my skin is really dry and I've not been taking care of my skin forever. I'm just I've never been like a face her. I mean, I've always I was kind of blessed with a nice complexion. I didn't really struggle. I didn't struggle with like acne or anything. And so I never really also had kind of an internal motivation to do that some big nightly routine with like my skincare. And but what's happened is now my skin is really dry. It's just I'm 45. I guess it's just happens. And so I've actually kind of taken an interest in that for myself. Like I've got those little Korean face masks that you like, you know, put on your face and stuff like that. And I'm enjoying that, which is new for me. That's not and it's not about how I look. It's about how I feel. I don't like feeling like tight, dry skin. And so yeah, it's just kind of interesting how when I like take ownership of stuff for me and not, you know, necessarily for how I look to everybody else and trying to keep up, it makes a huge difference. So. And I like how you mentioned that like this is at the end of 11 years, like this sort of organic interest and like, hmm, and it really is like a gentle curiosity. Like, how could I adjust this routine or this ritual that like serves me? It makes me feel good. It has a function for me. I love that you mentioned that that was after 11 years because I think that's what it's about. Like I can definitely see someone who is maybe only three years into an 11 year, like parenting slog and they're listening to you talk about like, yeah, I just like decided to care for myself. And even that becomes like a mandate that someone's like, oh, right. I'm such a piece of shit. I don't even care about, I'm not even caring about myself. Cause that's like a shame thing too. Like just take some interest in yourself. Girl, wash your face. God, I mean, I have a unique situation in that I haven't only child, but I mean, even with an only child, I mean, fuck man, like, I mean, parenting sucks. Like, I mean, it's like I look back at the last 11 years and I'm like, I feel like I literally got sent to like another planet and like maybe just got to take it. It's just, I don't even, I'm not very articulate. But it's like my entire life just kind of got taken from me. And, and I mean, I have a career. I'm a business owner. Like, I mean, that's not actually true. Like, I mean, I still have friends. I have family, but it's just something has happened as my son is becoming a preteen where he's more independent. Like it's the burden of like kind of finding childcare on every moment of every single day and, you know, meals and all of that is like, it's loot. That burden is lightning as he's 11 now. And I just, for the first time, I just, I really, I don't know how else to explain it. Like, I feel like I'm able to come up for air and be like, oh, I could like actually go take like a 30 minute bath and put on like a Korean face mask just because I want to. And like my son's just playing like his PlayStation. And this is just kind of a new era. Yeah. It was like a natural gentle curiosity once you got the capacity. And I feel like that's the piece that we sometimes miss is that like, okay, yeah, you know, I think as a society, like we're good about talking about like, you don't have to look good for others. You know, it's about like how you feel. But even that sometimes gets commodified into this like, you know, you look at some woman who looks like Harried and whatever and you're like, she just needs to, I just wish she would take some interest in herself. She's caring for herself. And it's like that becomes the new edict of like, you're not good enough if you're not interested. And it's like, right. No, like it's okay. Like I can't even pull that off. I can't even do self care right. You know, yeah, like it's okay. Like the whole 11 years that you were like, I don't know. My hair is just fucking greasy and I'm not going to figure it out. Like it was literally fine. It was fine. Like you weren't like less or more. Like I still am someone who does not have a scared skin care routine. I go to bed and my make. I never take my makeup off. I just go to bed. No, I don't need. I don't either make no mistake. I haven't gotten that like. I mean, no, I do too, but it's not like a problem to fix. It's part of the reason why I don't like taking showers and washing my hair. Cause then I have to redo my whole face. So it's like it's not just my hair. It's also like, yeah, anyway, but I also something else that I thought at the beginning when you were talking about like, Oh, maybe it's lazy of me to like go twice a week. What's so funny is how like generationally dependent that line of thinking is because like my grandmother would go to the salon like twice a week to get her hair set. Like that was what you did. Like that was considered like even that like this sort of like spending one hour a day, like blowing out your hair expectation. Like that didn't even exist for my grandmother. Like I'm not saying she didn't have to spend a lot of time on other stupid gender shit, but like she went to the salon twice a week to get her hair set. That was the expectation then. I mean, absolutely. And then the best part is that the little salon I'm going to is like across the street from like an assisted living or kind of nursing home. And one of their like big clientele is like little old ladies. And so she literally always has like these little old ladies and they're getting their hair set, then it makes me feel better. I'm like, yeah, I'm just coming in to get my hair set. Yeah. Like it's okay. Why can't I do that? I love this. Okay. I'm going to have you back to talk about some other things. So I feel like this was just like the perfect little mini episode on just like finding something that works for you. Yes, I love it. I mean, thank you so much. Thanks for having me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. ♪♪♪ .