My name is Ty French and this is my podcast.
That's what it's called.
The Ty French Podcast.
Yeah, I did it.
Ty French Podcast.
Ty French Podcast.
Ty French Podcast.
Ty French Podcast.
Ty French Podcast.
Hello, hello, hello, and welcome back to the Ty French Podcast.
My name is Ty French and this is my podcast.
That's what it's called.
The Ty French Podcast.
Happy hump day.
Happy freaking hump day, everyone.
Let me just start off by saying,
apologize if I am a little bit more soft spoken today.
If I'm a little bit more romantic in my conversation.
If I'm a little bit more subtle and soft and sweet and girly.
The opposite of that.
But I am recording this at 9 o'clock at night.
And so I'm trying to be a little bit more
just thoughtful of my neighbors and those around me.
Typically, I like to record the podcast
during like business hours.
Because then I feel like it's fair game.
If someone's chatting in their apartment and they're a little out.
But at 9 p.m. at night, you know,
I would like my neighbors to not be cackling in the other room.
So I'm going to try and be as respectful as possible
while still entertaining and fabulous
and Ty French.
You guys, I did not intend to record this at 9 p.m. at night.
That is not what I wanted.
This is not what I want.
This is not what I planned.
And I just got to say,
I do not understand.
Literally me just saying I was going to be quiet and soft inside.
And then I burst out into high school musical.
So that is kind of a perfect summarization
as to where my brain is at today.
And kind of how my one singular brain cell
is churning butter in my brain.
I don't know what that metaphor was.
And that might be the concussion speaking
because I hit a car today.
You guys, I hit a...
I hit a car.
And you know what?
The bitch didn't deserve it.
No, she didn't. She did not deserve it.
And okay.
I'm feeling so chaotic.
Like the more...
You know when you're in high school
and you're in like a test
and you're trying so hard to be quiet
and then suddenly
someone literally,
even just the mere fact of sharpening their pencil
is the funniest thing ever.
And you cannot hold it in.
That's why I feel right now trying to be respectful of my neighbors.
I all of a sudden I'm feeling very kuku crazy.
And I just want to be loud and obnoxious
even though I've been tired all day.
This happens to me all the time.
Maybe I should start recording at night more.
Oh my gosh, I'm going to be kicked out.
I hear my parents.
My parents. You guys, my brain is not okay.
My neighbors are going to hate me.
Because I was tired.
I can't talk.
I literally can't talk.
I'm not okay, you guys.
I was tired all day.
And I was working on the episode.
And I immediately sat down to record.
And then my girlfriend texted me and said
it needed help shooting.
And she was going to pay me.
And here's the thing.
Y'all.
I'm going to get the bag.
I'm going to get the bag.
I'm going to get the bag.
I'm going to get the bag.
When I can eat the bag.
And so I had to go.
I had to do a last minute photo shoot.
And it ended up taking way longer than I thought.
I thought it was just going to be quick in and out.
And it ended up taking way longer than I thought.
The podcast goes live at midnight.
So, you know what?
Sometimes life doesn't go as planned.
And life doesn't go as planned.
You know, when life gives you lemons,
you make freaking lemonade, okay?
And today, I'm making lemonade.
And I'm making dollars.
You guys.
Yeah, okay.
Anyways.
Back to the bitch.
I was on my way to the photo shoot to help my friend shoot.
And I promise you.
I swear to God.
I am a bitch who, you know what, sue me.
Sometimes I text and drive.
And that's going to get me in trouble one day.
And it's definitely gotten me in trouble a lot of days.
And it's not good.
And I'm not condoning it.
I'm not saying it's great.
I need to sue.
I'm not condoning it.
I'm not condoning it.
I'm not saying it's great.
I need to stop.
I'm just admitting it.
And I'm keeping it real.
I'm keeping it 100 for my tyrants.
And I'm honest, open, and being vulnerable, and canceling.
Anyways.
This is not one of those times.
I was not on my phone.
I was not texting.
I wasn't even changing the song.
I was doing nothing.
I wasn't even singing to a great song.
There were no good songs in the radio.
The artists aren't putting out enough tunes.
It's not like I was jamming because that's been an issue
before where I've been jamming a little too hard.
And that's caused me to crash.
None of the above.
None of the above.
D. None of the above was happening.
This tiny, tiny, little fucking ass hybrid bitch ass Toyota
motherfucking prehist shit hybrid electric car bullshit which we support.
Because of the environment.
And the environmental issues.
And we support electric cars and electricity.
Can we make them a little bigger?
Can we make them a little bigger?
Read the Wrangler.
She plowed over this bitch.
She didn't see her.
She was in her.
She was in Read Wrangler's blind spot.
Today was the first time that I ever recognized that a blind spot is a real thing.
Yes, I know that that's a thing.
And you have to learn about it in driving school and whatever.
Today was the first day in which I experienced that.
Just because you look in the mirror and you see no one there.
And then you proceed to merging to the next lane.
Surprise bitch.
And it's too late.
You already hit the motherfucker.
I hit that bitch.
I sidestwiped that hoe so fast because her car was the size of a toy.
Her car was the size of a hot wheel.
And I've driven golf carts bigger than that Toyota Prius.
I have driven literal children's bicycles larger than the car that I sidestwiped.
It wasn't even, I don't even know how that's legal.
Anyways.
So I go to get into the right lane and I like kind of barely sidestwiped this girl.
And I just like my knee jerk reaction was to honk.
And yes, I honked at this bitch.
Yes, I fully crashed into her.
And I honked at her.
I had the audacity.
And I immediately regretted the honk.
It was just like a knee jerk reaction to be like,
Yo bitch, what?
You're not supposed to be here.
It wasn't me being like, what the fuck?
It was me being like, yeah, shit.
So of course, I'm going to be charged with a hand run.
So I pulled over.
She pulled over and I was on my way to the photo shoot.
Let me clarify.
Like I was getting a bag from this photo shoot.
But not a big bag.
Like I was just more so helping a friend out.
And I was like, oh,
this was my sign to stay in my ass at home and not help a friend and not get that bag.
Because whatever this is going to charge me
to have to get this girl's car fixed.
And the increase in my insurance was not worth me driving an hour to Malibu
and getting in a car accident.
And then, you know, just the story of my life.
That would happen to me.
When I tell you, when I tell you,
the Lord and Savior had blessed me so hard, when I tell you
that God is good and God is real.
And that the universe had my back and I manifested away out of the scenario.
When I tell you, I stepped out of the Wrangler my car
and she immediately goes, don't worry, I'm calm.
Like, I was ready to, I was ready to throw hands.
I was ready to be just like, I was so pissed, I was so annoyed,
I was already having kind of a rough day.
I was feeling super exhausted all day.
You know, the shoot came up last minute.
I knew I had to record the podcast when I got home and there was just a lot happening.
I was feeling very stressed.
And that situation could have gone a thousand degrees the other way.
And when she immediately got out and she was like, oh my gosh, don't worry.
Like, I'm calm.
The immediate sense of relief.
Don't mind that motorcycle outside of a window.
Awesome.
The immediate sense of relief that I felt.
And truly just like, it really kind of like struck me.
I'll get into that after, sorry, I'm feeling very chaotic right now.
But she was like, oh my gosh, don't even worry about it at all.
She was like, I'm sure it's nothing.
And when I tell you, I side swipe this bitch.
Like, there was definitely a dent.
There was definitely some scratches on the car.
She was like, don't even worry about it.
I'm super chill.
I'll get your number.
Like, I don't even need your entrance or anything.
I'll get your number.
I'm just going to tell my business partner that, you know, like, I like either someone like,
hit me while I was parked or, you know, someone hit me and then they left or whatever.
Like, I'll figure it out.
Like, don't even worry about it.
And I was like, oh my gosh.
I was like, you could be such a bitch right now.
Like, you literally did nothing wrong.
I literally merged into your lane out of nowhere and didn't see you.
And completely side swiped your car.
That is 10,000 times smaller than my car.
And so I was just like, oh my gosh, I'll do whatever.
I'll give you cash.
I'll give you my information, whatever.
So I gave her my phone number.
She was like, I promise.
I feel like I can probably like take it to the car wash and they'll buff it out.
Oh, there's definitely a dent.
But you know what?
Maybe she's hiding something.
Maybe she doesn't have a driver's license.
Maybe she doesn't have insurance.
Maybe she, I don't know.
I don't know what was happening and why she was being so nice.
But God had graced me with that woman that I hit.
Like, that could have gone so many different directions.
And I was prepared for that.
I was like, I had my hat on to just be like, oh my god.
This is my life and I'm miserable.
And that's kind of the attitude that I just go into with everything.
But this girl, the second she was like, oh my gosh, I'm chill.
You couldn't have hit a better person.
I don't care.
Blah, blah, blah, blah.
It just is like a really a testament to literally this sounds so effing cheesy
and you all can cancel me if you want.
You can all laugh at me.
But what I took away from that situation was a, look at your fucking blind spot.
You dumbass bitch.
And two, that like just the simple, small acts of kindness
and leading with kindness even when something bad happens to us,
which I literally never do.
Like I am the world's biggest pessimist and I will admit that.
I'm sorry, I'm a pessimist.
I look for the bad and everything.
I am angry and cranky and onry a lot of the time.
Especially when things don't go my way.
And this is like really like as I was driving
because I still had like 30 minutes to go in my drive to Malibu.
It really I was just like reflecting because I was like my heart was beating.
It all happened so fast.
I just hit this girl and like it could have gone a million different ways
and like been so expensive and she was so kind even though I was 100% in the wrong.
And it really just like warmed my heart just like really
remind myself lead with kindness, simple, small acts of kindness
and when something bad happens to us like take a deep breath in
and a deep breath out because guess what?
It's not that serious even though it is serious.
It's really not if you step away.
Like that could have been a very serious situation.
She could have called the cops.
They could have given me a ticket.
She could have gotten my insurance.
My insurance would have went up.
I would have had to pay a lot.
All of the stuff.
It could have been a serious situation.
But she didn't make it one.
Like because it didn't need to be.
Because guess what?
If she goes through the car wash tomorrow and realizes that it can't buff out
and she gives me a call, I will give her my insurance.
I'll be glad to do so.
And I will be glad to suffer the consequences of my decisions
or lack thereof of decisions of looking back in the mirror.
But just in a more calm environment.
Anyways, she could have literally ruined my day and she didn't.
And I think she could see how stressed I was and how I was like,
oh my gosh.
Here's my info.
I'll give you my insurance.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so so so sorry.
I did not see you.
I promise I did not see you.
She literally could not have cared less.
She was so chill.
And I'm trying to channel that energy in my life.
I'm trying to be that bitch.
I'm trying to be that bitch that I hit.
I'm trying to really emulate her energy and bring that energy
into my life.
And sometimes the universe and God, whatever we believe in,
brings you situations in your life to get you some lessons.
And my lesson there was smile, bitch.
It's not that serious.
And that accent needs to stop immediately.
Because let's go on another tangent.
Let's go on another rant.
The amount of people that I meet on a daily basis.
And I mean daily.
This just happened the other day at my friend Nick's work event.
I talk about Nick a lot on the podcast and he hasn't come on
and I never really post him on my Instagram or anything.
But I'm gonna need to get his ass on the podcast.
He's a little shy when it comes to public speaking
or like whenever I'm trying to post him or take a photo of him,
he's a little shy little rat.
Nick, if you're listening, think of a topic you want to talk about
and you're feeling passionate about because I need to get your ass on the podcast
because the rats need to hear about the fellow rat.
Nick is actually more of a rat than I'm a rat.
So you guys will love him.
But anyways, I went to this little like work event thing station.
I don't know.
And his coworkers were like, where are you from?
And I was like, oh no, don't ask me if I'm from the South.
They were like, yeah, like what part of the South are you from?
I'm like, guys, I do not have a Southern accent.
I know what Southern plan comes out here there.
However, that's just me being gay.
It's me being sassy.
And that's just me being cuckoo crazy.
Like I have no accent.
I am not from the South.
I lived in Virginia for six months.
That's not even really the South.
It is technically, but like it's not.
And you know, I think I just like I pick up so much from pop culture,
from housewives, from just every movie that I watch,
from songs, from I don't know.
And like the second that I am, I have like a fire in my soul in a conversation
if I start to get like loud and enthusiastic or whatever.
There's a Southern twang that comes out of me.
And I don't know where it came from.
I don't know where it came from.
I don't know where it's going.
But it needs to stop.
It needs to be ended immediately.
I don't know what it is.
And I don't know.
The euphemisms in my voice, in which especially when I'm recording the podcast alone in my room,
it really comes out.
And it needs to stop.
And you know what I've realized?
My episodes feel I get a little bit more cuckoo crazy,
which I don't know if it's good or bad when I'm not videotaping the podcast.
I meant to say that at the beginning of the episode.
Sorry, shocker.
As you guys heard, it's late.
It's 9.30.
My neighbors, yada yada.
I'm running late.
It was either the podcast is up late and they film it.
Or I don't film it.
And the podcast goes up on time.
So I decided the podcast goes up on time.
I'm really trying so hard not to miss any days and to always have it be up on the same time.
So I decided not to film this episode because guess what?
None of you guys watch it anyway.
None of you guys are watching the YouTube ones.
So when it just doesn't start on the line, it starts on the line.
And today it starts not a line.
So you guys are only getting an audio only episode.
I have been ranting for so long about absolutely nothing.
But you know what?
That's just me.
That's just Thai French.
And you know what?
It's my podcast.
And I'll talk about whatever the fuck I want.
And I really needed to get the car crash off my chest because I haven't told anyone about it.
And I don't think I want to tell anyone else about it.
If you listen to podcasts, then you get to know all my other friends.
Also like them.
You know what?
That's all no.
Which one of my friends?
Some of my friends don't listen to the podcast.
And you know what I say?
You don't support women.
Yes, I'm fully aware that I'm not a woman.
But somehow those two are still connected.
Okay.
Anyways, I don't really have much else of a life update for you guys.
I know I told you guys on varieties episode, the Lizzo, Lizzo the Bolly and Ariana Spongebob,
which is like, if you haven't listened to it, go listen to it.
Yeah, I give you all my opinions on Lizzo and Ariana in that whole situation.
But on that episode, I told you guys that I didn't really have a lot of plans for the weekend.
But what did I, what was I manifesting for the weekend?
I manifested some beach hangs.
I manifested some rays.
I manifested cocoa hangs.
And what did I get this weekend?
I got rays.
I got beach days.
And I got cocoa hangs.
When I tell you, I got the best cocoa hangs of my life.
Oh my gosh, she's so freaking cute.
Like she's so cute.
Here's the issue.
Here's the issue.
Coco, if you don't know who Coco is, you guys are crazy and you need to keep up on my
brand.
Time French.
Coco is my best friend, Teza and Cole's baby.
She's about almost two.
And she's the cutest thing ever.
She's my best friend.
I love her.
She literally is pure perfection.
She's so freaking cute.
She's so tan.
I don't understand.
She's so vivacious and funny.
And I'm obsessed with her.
Anyways.
So she, I was one of the first names like other than like in the crew who she learned.
Ty Ty.
But me and her have an interesting relationship.
She like always has my name when I'm not there.
And she fully knows who I am.
But like when I'm around her, we have this like interesting dynamic of like she's playing like almost hard to get.
And it's so cute.
But this weekend was like one of the first weekends where like she really just like absorbed me as her bestie.
And it was so cute.
Like this was the first time that she ever like grabbed my hand and led me over to play with her.
Like she was like, let's play.
Let's play.
She wanted me to play Legos with her.
She wanted me to play with her bubble machine.
And she like would walk over, grab my finger, and then pull me over.
And it was like, it sounds so dominant, so cheesy.
But like, oh my god.
It's the cutest thing ever.
And when your best friend has literally the cutest human alive, the cutest kid ever, it makes you want kids.
So bad, but also kind of not because what if my kid is not as cute?
And guess what?
I don't think they're gonna be because the bar is too high.
The bar is too high.
No one can meet.
No one can fulfill the potential of cocoa.
Oh, my sweet little coconut.
And my kid's probably gonna be a little bitch just like their dad.
And I'm not really ready to, you know, tackle that.
So I'm just gonna enjoy cocoa while I have her.
But anyways, I'm trying to think of anything else.
Oh my gosh, I watched.
Finally, red, white, and royal blue.
The Amazon Prime original movie based off of the book, red, white, and royal boom.
Boom.
Yeah, okay.
I'm under arrest.
Red, white, and royal blue.
I have not read the book.
A lot of people that read the book that have seen the movie, you know, have mixed feelings about it.
Because the book, I guess, is just so good.
Y'all know me.
I'm not a reader.
It's all my listed things to do.
However, I have not done it.
Someone did send me a copy of the book and I immediately gave it away to a friend
because I just know that I'm not gonna read it.
And I live in a studio apartment without a closet.
There's not a lot of storage space.
Everything here has a place and a home.
So you send me a gift.
It's probably getting regifted.
Sorry about it.
Okay.
Before I go on the tangent about red, white, and royal.
Oh my god.
Before I go on the tangent about red, white, and royal blue.
This is why I don't record it at night because I can't fucking, I'm not articulate with my words.
Jesus Christ.
Before I go on the tangent about that, speaking of gifts.
Some tyrants over at Olive Ave.
Jewelry.
Olive Ave Jewelers.
In Phoenix, Arizona sent me the nicest gift for the one year anniversary of the podcast.
And I just want to give them a shout out.
Olive Ave.
Literally, it made my day.
They sent me a 14k.
Is that what it's called?
14k.
14k.
I don't know.
14k gold ring that is engraved on the inside.
And if you know, you know, if you don't, you don't.
The tyrants who have listened to every episode know those, you know, anyways, on the inside
it says banana boy, banana boy, one year.
And literally my heart was just so warmed.
It was the nicest gift.
I know that they were sending me a gift because obviously I had to send them a mailing address.
But when it arrived and I realized it was a ring and it was gold and it was engraved
and it said one year and it was just like it really did touch me and it really met a
lot to me.
And I was having kind of a rough day when it arrived and it seriously turned my whole
entire day.
What's that?
Okay.
Okay.
Circling back to the theme of this episode so far is kindness, small acts of kindness.
Just wow.
Really.
I need to start putting out acts of kindness and not just receiving because apparently I've
been receiving a lot of kindness lately and I'm not really.
I'm such a bitch.
I'm going to start putting that back out into the world and maybe it won't be so bitter
and annoying.
Anyways, back to red, white and royal blue.
It's an Amazon Prime original and you guys need it to see it so bad and it's so good.
It is 100% cheese ball city and if you guys don't know what it's about, it is a basically
the best way I can summarize it is a gay hallmark film, a gay hallmark rom-com film.
And it is so cheesy.
It's about like the son of the president of the United States, which is a woman, whoo.
And the son of the king of England, fallen love and they're gay obviously and like they
they weren't out and you know they're it's a story about you know coming to terms with
your sexuality and it's a story of coming to terms with you know having to have those
coming out conversations with your family and the son of the president has like a very
supportive mother and then the son of the king of England.
You know they have their own issues because it's the royal family and you know he's living
his life for the crown and all of this stuff it has to do with you know a lot of politics
and anyways it is so cheesy but it is so beautiful and like it's so important to support
movies that you know sure it's cheesy because it has low budget because guess what gay rom-coms
aren't getting you know box office big major motion studio productions because they haven't
proven that they are successful so even when a movie that is about a minority or about
you know race or sexuality or whatever it is important to really support those movies
and freaking press play on it and turn it all the way down you know do something else be
on your phone who cares but it's important to support those movies so that the data and
the analytics on the back end to these major corporations and to these major studios
reflect that that people want to see stories about gay love and people want to see stories
that are more inclusional and that have you know more diversity in them and it doesn't
have to be too straight okay this motorcycle this motorcycle goodbye it's 10 o'clock at night
go home go home it's important to show these studios that it doesn't have to be like a
straight hot white couple in a rom-com for to be successful so I highly implore all of my
little tyrants to take their ally ship of the day for the gay community and watch red white
and roll blue it is really cute it is not like bad like I actually implore you to watch it's really
cute I was kind of going into it as a hater shocker because I'm a hater but I actually ended
really liking it and I kind of just leaned in and I think there's is like there's this part of me
that whenever something that is like so pro gay film come out especially you know like when it's
the show pose on HBO or drag race or you know these parts of queer culture and gay community that
like shows representation but is it like a direct reflection of my lived experience because like I'm
not a drag queen or I'm not you know a vogue ballroom dancer whatever blah blah it's easier for me
to support those than something like red white and royal blue because that feels more of like my
lived experience but it's like watching what could have been for my life and it's like watching
like it's hard to watch these rom-coms about these two this two hot gay guys fall in love and come
out to their families and them being accepting and then them falling in love and you know having
this happily ever after which which most straight white people grew up with rom-coms all about stories
of what their life could be and I didn't get to do that and my childhood was like obviously a lot
more traumatizing for me as you guys have heard um and so there's like this sense of like bitterness in
me when movies like this come out or like love Victor comes out or you know shows like that where
it's showing a more idealistic approach of what it could be but I feel like with this movie about
like two thirds of the way through I really are like one third the way through I really just like
leaned into accepting it and you know loving it and watching it for what it is and I ended up
really loving it it's really cute obviously it's not the best like production value it is very
home-arky but the guys are so hot and I really like the storyline and it is just kind of this like
idealistic view of the world like there's a female president and she was totally fine with her
son being gay and he falls in love with the the prince of England and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
so anyways the tyrant's homework for the day is to be ally and watch red, white, and royal blues so
that Amazon Prime puts a little bit more budget into future films about homosexuals and maybe they'll
cast me in white could you imagine me an actor professional in a major motion studio film about
homosexuality falling in love and then maybe I have like a real real romantic connection with
my cast me as if I'm Edward Embella in the Twilight saga or Nick Jonas and Miley Cyrus from the
Disney Channel franchise wow the possibilities are endless for me and I can't wait to be cast in
the sequel of red, white, and royal blue in which they take me to Paris and you could interpret
that however your brain will allow you know use your use your brain cells but if you're a rat like
me you only got one so it's got to work extra hard in your brain turn and butter okay I have
bed an absolute menace this entire episode and the fact that we are already 30 minutes in
I am the bug that we are already halfway through I'm unwell because I don't even know what I've
talked about I've talked about a whole lot of nothing anyway one thing I need to get off my
chest and I need you to listen up I need to all my little tyrants to listen up turn up the volume okay
okay you know what I've heard a little bit too much on social media these days knock knock knock hello
what what's happening oh summer might be over but I'm welcoming fall oh is it too early for a pumpkin
spice latte photos of pumpkin spice candles oh yep I'm welcoming this season with open arms shut
the fuck up shut up shut your mouth sit down sit down and shut up because guess what summer ain't
going nowhere summer ain't over summer ain't over until I say it is and guess what I have not even a
base tan yet so I need all y'all to shut up pack the sweaters in the closet throw the pumpkin spice
lattes away burn those candles dry put them in the cupboard till six months later because guess
what it ain't fall it ain't even close it's still summer I didn't even got into a good summer
groove I just moved to the fucking beach and y'all want to fucking put on a card again and go
frolicing in fields of fallen leaves suck a dick I'm trying to go to the beach get some rays I'm
trying to pop school I'm trying to ever cram it in your cramhole okay I need I need the fall
talk to kayate I need it to plateau I need you to save it for about three months from now until
it is october tank I don't want to see a pumpkin spice latte I don't want to smell smell an apple cider
anything nothing screw it bug off okay I just needed to get that off I trust anyways okay I've
been talking for way too long but today we are going to or should I say tonight my neighbors
are gonna hate me the fact that we literally started off this episode was saying that I was gonna be
more soft and romantic and I've been an absolute mayhem awesome um the song of the day or the song
of the night is I was scrolling on tiktok the other day and speaking of the gay community it
recently out newly homosexual ex-mormon like myself has been popping up on my for you page a lot
because he's got new music out that might be the one and only in which maybe you guys are already
guessing David our chaletta so he's you know doing a lot of press for his new album and as all the
tiktokers do all the as all the you know artists do when they have a new album coming out they go on
every large tiktoker of known to mans instagram or on tiktok and they do videos with them so he
was doing a tiktok with like these other two big tiktokers in a kitchen and they were doing like
an acropella version of his song crush when I tell you I not only listen to that song or that
that that that tiktok on replay because about wickedly stunning and gorgeous it was I drove around
listening to it on replay it was like a 30 second clip I drove around in my car with that open
on tiktok playing on a loop because it was so stunning and it really just maybe like fall in love
with that song all over again that song has such a special place in my heart I can't even get over it
when it came out I was in the fifth grade and I remember okay so I didn't even say the name of the
song they were singing crush obviously by David our chaletta and so I've been listening to it a lot
and that is my song of the day because guess what the song of the day isn't always going to be a
new song it's just whatever I'm obsessed with that day and this song I just I can't even tell you
it's up there with no air for me by Jordan Sparks it is so timeless it's so beautiful it's so
stunning it's sort of nostalgic and I remember exactly how I felt when it first came out you know
everyone in Utah loved David our chaletta because he was obviously from Utah he's a more man
blah blah blah blah blah and we really just wanted him to win win American Idol I was more devastated
that than anything in my life up to that point but I remember I was obsessed with this girl I mean
yeah shocker girl I had crushes on girls I mean I just made it up in my head because I was just
trying so hard not to be gay but her name was I guess I shouldn't say her name her name was
something something and I just was obsessed with her and I don't know if she ever knew but I
hope she didn't we were in um the genie we were in Aladdin together I was the genie and she was
the parrot and I was just in love with her and I just had the biggest crush on her and I remember
listening to that was the first time that I felt like I like listen to a song and I really like okay
well apparently someone's getting arrested I was out of my door I don't know if you can hear those
silence anyways um what was I saying oh that was the first time that I really felt like I was like
you know I was in fifth grade I was listening to the lyrics of the song and I was really connecting to
them is it really just another crush do you catch a breath when I look at you are you holding back
like the way you do so good it is so good and I just need all of you tyrants to not only go watch
red, white and royal blue I want to need you then press play on another homosexual activity
David Archie let us crush press play on that there's a lot of gainess at the beginning of the
episode the girl that I hit in her car was probably gay imagine imagine anyways it's a great song
crushed by David Archie let her turn it on and just if you catch a breath when I look at you
or you hold a man like a way you do and I fall a thud a thud a thud a thud is a better just
another crush do you turn it oh it's so good I couldn't scream but I can't because it's 10th or
to clock and 10th or to clock it's 10th or to clock and I got neighbors and they are ready probably
want to kill me anyways okay so we are more than halfway through this episode and I have not
stopped talking um so let's get into it I guess I don't even know if I could call this episode a
crazy stories episode because half of it is just me ranting about my life and being
absolutely chaotic however today I'm just gonna read a few I don't know how many I'll get through
for the time but I just want to read through some crazy reddit stories I don't know really what
made me think about this maybe it was a TikTok I saw probably or if I heard like another podcast
doing this or I don't know but the world of reddit is so crazy to me and I stay very very
clear of it I don't want anything to do with it because it just feels like a bunch of anonymous
toxicity and place for people to talk crap about people that they don't have the balls to say to
their face and I'm just not really here for it however I have been learning that you know reddit has
a lot of other avenues not just talking shit um and I must have heard this on a podcast somewhere
I don't know maybe it was I've had it but um somewhere maybe it was TikTok I don't know who cares
that's irrelevant but they were doing like crazy reddit stories and so I literally just googled
crazy reddit stories and then clicked on a reddit link and it brought me to like a full on thread of
all these people just like submitting crazy stories about their life or things that they need to
get off their chest or whatever so I screened out at a few and I'm gonna read them allowed for you
and we are gonna react okay so first up the username of this reddit individual who submitted this
is cheesy mcfrash and I'm gonna hear for it because not only is it cheesy but it's spelled like
cheesets with a z the whole mcfrash is just really stunning I am and I love it it's like a cheese
it mac and cheese I mean mac and cheese am I okay it's like a cheese it McDonald's mash up and I'm
just obsessed I love it okay so um this person this individual says so being my brother for
eternal twins my stepmom passed away due to breast cancer when we were around 15 years old
she was like a second mother to us and had been around since we were very young five years old
now fast forward to our junior year of college I attended a school in upstate New York while he
attended a university in the state of Florida one night I woke up and sweat with tears coming down
my eyes I had the most vivid dream I was in a house and my stepmom was there I knew she had passed
away in the stream which was the first for me she hugged me told me how handsome I had become
and that she loved me I woke up drenched in sweat thinking what the f was that I didn't say anything
to anybody and went to class as I'm walking back to my apartment after class I get a call for my
brother his first words were I know this is gonna sound so weird but I had the most vivid dream
about Maggie last night there's on the back of my neck literally stood up as he went on to
describe the exact same dream I had just experienced the night prior we've never had a twin moment
quite like this and I don't really know what to make of it but it has always been a story that I
wanted to tell wow's that okay so two of my best friends are twins and I want to do a whole
twin podcast with them because I'm so fascinated about twins and like I didn't know that
if you are identical twins then you literally share the exact same DNA like I figured like DNA is
like different for everyone even if you're a twin even if you're a sibling or whatever
but no identical twins have the exact same DNA so if identical twin brothers marry identical
twin sisters and then they have babies their kids are twin cousins because they have the same DNA
my brain can't wrap my head around that my brain can not wrap my head around that I'm just
who old and too dumb to run I am under arrest anyways not to make that about myself first off so sad
and so sorry that this person lost their set mom to breast cancer but that is so crazy and
that's one of those things where it's just like I don't believe in God and I don't believe in heaven
or how but like I believe in something because there are just so many accounts of things like
not like this but like you know people seeing ghosts or people feeling like their loved ones
can't visit them or you know you seeing this person in a dream or whatever and have it being so
vivid like that there's too many accounts of that for there not to be some bigger meeting of life
or some afterlife or you know energy cannot be created or destroyed so you're always here whether
that's what people think go sorry or not I don't know but this is the craziest story the fact that
you and your twin brother had the exact same dream on the exact same night with the exact same
details about your step mom who had passed away so it wasn't it probably wasn't a dream it's like
she probably was literally her spear was visiting you I don't know how I feel about it and I just
feel stressed because I don't know what I need answers I need answers um and I need to bring my two
girlfriends on who are twins um they are fraternal twins oh my god wait wait wait they're fraternal
twins as well these brothers are fraternal twins they're not even identical twins so they didn't
have the same DNA they were just in that womb holding hands they weren't they're not really twins
for turtle twins kind of feel like fake twins because fraternal twins just means like
two embryos happened to get planted by the same seed or different seeds or I don't really know
how it works because I'm not a doctor I'm not a gynecologist or a uh uh I don't know what kind of
doctor uh is pregnancy doctor but um I'm kidding fraternal twins are obviously twins but you know what
I mean like identical twins like that's where the phenomenon comes in like oh like an
egg split into two right isn't that how it works and that's how they become identical I don't know
I don't really know the science behind it but interesting interesting I need to have my
girlfriends on who are twins and we will go into more detail um okay our next submission
I'm not even gonna explain the the username of this this person because I don't know how to
pronounce it but it says with surf ludge sometime during flight while eating notice that the woman
next to me is slowing down in her movements slower cutting slower chewing etc suddenly she
stops completely at her movements fork a knife in hand half-cuff food on her plate face bowed
forward above her plate and nothing else I touched her on the shoulder pushed her a little bit
and asked her if everything was okay no reaction couldn't really tell if she was alive was the air
conditioning was it her breath was she breathing no idea I didn't want to panic and frighten
everyone else you know dead person I made eye contact with the stewardess I pointed next to me
a couple minutes later five stewardesses including a co-pilot form a barrier around our seats like
in a movie aka I was thinking don't you die on me the woman wakes up looks up and says just
this one sentence I took a really strong sleeping pill and goes back to sleep in the same
tyrannosaurus posture as if this had happened before and she had anticipated this conversation
as if she knew that her mind would only be awake and long enough for one sentence so for the
entire remaining six to seven hour flight there's this lady next to me mimicking a tyrannosaurus her
hands still grabbing the now removed fork a knife drooling on the table everyone passing by giving
me this questioning look like is she alive best flight ever okay okay this story is the one reason
alone why I will never take a sleeping pill on a flight because I am mortified at the thought of
falling asleep and not knowing when to get up like are they gonna have to tap tap tap on my shoulder
with the gates open and the lights on that is humiliating because guess what I don't look like
sleeping beauty I look like shrek I look like a shocking individual when I am asleep I don't I don't
actually know what I look like but I know it's shocking and I don't want to know what I look like
and you know what you know what I've learned about tiktok you're never safe you're never safe
from a camera somebody is filming you at all times the government is filming you
no but literally like you tiktok has taught me like actually a lot of patience and a lot of grace
because you see these people do these like public freakouts and like be a full care and or like
freak out on a plane or whatever not saying I've done that at the past but you know what like I said
I can be a little angry I can be a little cranky and with tiktok it's like people record everything
and a video will go viral and people will find out where you live what you do for work who your
health insurance is what your social security number is what color of t-shirt you wore yesterday
who your mother is who your father is who um you know you had a crush on in high school they will
find out literally everything about you and make you look like a fool and you know who that's
not gonna happen to me it's not gonna happen to me because I want to allow it because I'm done
having public freakouts because I'm scared of all the cameras everywhere and I'm scared someone's
gonna record it and I'm gonna go viral on tiktok and I'm trying to go viral on tiktok I'm not going
on trying to go viral on tiktok for that I'm trying to go viral on tiktok for being tiring I'm trying
to go viral on tiktok for being the rat king and for the tavern podcast I'm not trying to go viral
on tiktok for being a carry on a flight not getting my peanuts fast enough or not getting my cranberry
vodka you know what I'm saying so I'm glad that this woman um comfortable to take a strong
sleeping pill and act like a dead tronosaurus rex next to this sweet individual who had to
almost give life to life like to life malta malta malta malta malta malta malta malta malta
this hoe because this individual thought that this bitch passed away meanwhile she was having the
best fucking stews of her life that bitch probably was dreaming of butterflies and rainbows and
flowers and oh she was probably just living and at least you know she's done this before and
she had enough energy to wake up and say hey I'm alive I took some pills and I'm gonna need you
to step away and leave me alone let me enjoy these pills and I gotta respect that
the next story says a little while back my roommate was contacted by a wealthy man in the area
who wanted to pay her to be his live in pet for an entire month she thought that this was a
cutie wave him saying that it was a sugar baby daddy baby arrangement situation turns out
why he actually meant was that she would be given room board and a very healthy allowance to
spend a large portion of her day dressed as a cat walking on her hands and knees eating out of a
bowl using a litter box and yes slipping an electric cage at night sex was not even on the
table he was only interested in having a human cat for a month yeah okay yeah okay yeah okay she
seriously considered the offer for a weekend and then politely declined this allowance would
have covered her college tuition for the semester he knew where he wanted and he was very motivated
okay okay okay before I pass judgment on this girl I'm not gonna pass judgment ever ever on a
woman getting a bad I never gonna pass judgment I'm bitch getting it back because guess what I
shouldn't say bitch because she was a cat not a dog I never gonna judge a pushy I'm I never
gonna judge a pushy get it back anyways I ain't never gonna judge a girl getting it back so you
know what get on my hands and knees per per meow meow get in that kitty litter box and that
little cage and meow meow per per lick the tail if that's what you got to do to get your
college tuition paid for and you're room and board I support women in business I support female
entrepreneurs over here at the taffins podcast however I also do not support the exploitation of women
so that's double ed storage double double store how do I how do I support women entrepreneurs
and wanted to be you know maybe I don't know if it's considered sex work because sex sex sex
wasn't involved but it feels kind of it feels kind of sex worky do I consider it that or
or do I consider it the exploitation of a female slash feline because she'd be a cat um I don't
know I don't know how I feel about it I think women are allowed to do whatever they want and if
your friend or your roommate I don't know if your friends with her um wanted to do it I'm fully
supportive because like I said I I support women in business but also if she wants me to
assassinate this human being I'm also happy to do so because I will not stand for the
exploitation of women you know what I'm saying so whatever your roommate wants she's got she's
the tiring king on her side the next story says my dad went to a secondary school with John
Lenin and was a couple years older than him dad was known for playing the drums and being quite
musical and one day John Lenin asks him whether he'd like to be the drummer in a band he's forming
dad was keen but my grandma said he needed to prioritize studying and so he didn't
join the band formed and we're called the quarryman and I think a guy named Colin was the drummer
instead of my dad who I believe was literally replaced by Pete Best and then Ringo as they changed
to the silver beetles and then the beetles I like to imagine that in an alternate universe my dad
said yes and that that was history I don't even mind that I wouldn't have been born and that this
would have been the outcome he really deserved to have had that lifetime yeah okay okay okay I
appreciate that you were willing to give up your laugh and that your history with your father
um to to have your father be in the beetles that is really selfless and I can really just tell
who you are as a human being and I love that that could never be me I could never give up my life
and my experience in the hopes that my father would have been in the beetles versus a hot tub
salesman which is what he is currently that could never be me and I would never wish my life away
in hopes that my father would be the drummer of Lady Gaga actually maybe that I could probably
swing um wow and you just know you know your father is telling that story to about every single
person that he crosses paths with you know your father is telling people their work your father
is telling people at bars your father everyone at work knows that your dad goes to sleep thinking
about that and I would too because while no one has asked me to join the beetles and I have not
tightly declined because frankly I take about every opportunity that I can for fame and fortune
um I can imagine if I had passed up an opportunity and then that had led to say the beetles
I probably would no longer be here I probably would have safely and quickly and swiftly
found out if there actually is an afterlife and that's all I have to say on that topic
anyways the next one says I actually don't even know if I want to read this this this
this I'm gonna skip this one because all I saw was dick beating penis shaft
towel down his pants and stitched his own cock up yeah
yeah okay I'm gonna say the tyrants the rest of that story and the fact that I even got that
little bit why did I screenshot that okay me at noon is not the same as me at 10 pm because me at
noon was about to read that off thank god I am doing this at 10 pm at night and not at noon because
I was about to give you a whole story about this guy suturing on his own dick and prison
jail ill anyway anyways okay the next one says when I was 22 I had an internship for the buffalo
wild wings marketing department I was also running a lot at the time every time I would go and leave
for a run I would text my girlfriend that I'm leaving for the run just so someone would know
where I am we love a smart human we love a smart man who's keeping in charge or keeping in
contact with his girlfriend and he's trying not to get kidnapped anyways I get a text from her
a bit fun asking for a special picture when I get back I agree which I'm gonna kind of shocked
because I didn't know that girls liked like sexy photos you know if you're if you know what I mean by
special photo she wanted a dick pic I don't know girls like that because I don't I was gonna say
I don't like that but I do not not like that I just would never ask for it you know and I'll never
take one anyways um I get a text from my red run asking for a special picture picture when I
get back I agree then I get a text from my female boss making sure I sent out some paperwork which
I did I get home and I don't even want to take the stupid fucking picture I just want to shower but
I get badass naked and take a bathroom mirror selfie from head to kneecap and send it with a kiss face
emoji to my girlfriend I think we're on I wear this going and our later I get a text from my
girlfriend that says did you forget my special picture founding face I'm thinking no what the F
I sent that photo so I go into my text and oh no oh fuck oh fuck me oh fuck me into oblivion
now I sent the nudes to my boss my heart sinks straight into hell I immediately tried to do damage
control and say it was not meant for her and that I'm so sorry I even screenshot of the combo
from my girlfriend to show that it was a mistake no response I went into the office the next day
I was called into HR where I was fired shit fucking sucked I had a great get going on but makes
for a great story though and I didn't include this in the screenshot but there were like notes
under this reddit thread that said that I guess because a lot of people were like given slack to
the boss like she shouldn't have fired him and whatever she should have given the benefit of
that out but I guess because there was like so much time between when he had sent the text and
when he you know did the follow up like oh my gosh I'm so sorry this was not for you that's when
she had contacted HR like she had already like been like it's been kind of 40 minutes and like
I didn't he didn't say like sorry or whatever so that's when she had contacted HR and then when she
saw his text that he apologized and was like oh my gosh this for my girlfriend it was already too late
like she had already meant she had already like told HR whatever I guess she like sob she felt so bad
that she turned a man and was like a nuke and whatever but I don't blame her not I mean whatever
she said she didn't mean to do it but guess what you can't be sending your little Shamoo out here
on the internet to anybody with you damn well please guess what that is sexual harassment
I don't know how to say that we're that sexual harassment and you deserve jail not actually jail
you deserve you deserve metaphorical jail you deserve tyrant jail there's a difference between
tyrant jail and the jail judicial system of the United States of America which is completely corrupt
and we should decriminalize drugs anyways we're not getting into that topic but you're going straight
to tyrant jail and can you send me the phone I'm just kidding I'm just kidding I'm just kidding
like I said I don't know that girls like special photos I didn't know that girls
wanted a dick pic do that I know girl I mean I know guys like nudes I don't really care for a
dude to be honest and I definitely I'm not gonna take one I mean maybe if my body was better and I
was you know nice and tight up in the gym and I was 22 again maybe you'd see a little pick my
tush her my little bang but I don't know nobody needs to see that unless they're in person and
their adrenaline's already going you know I don't I you know sometimes you can you can make
it look good you're in person you're whatever like in a photo I don't need you zooming in on
nothing and I ain't even worried about you zooming in on my my private parts I ain't even
worried about you zooming in on my tyrant tower nope job job job job job job job job I'm worried about
you zooming in on the love handles I'm worried about you zooming in on you know some fractals that
could be questionable I'm worried about you zooming in on is there something in my teeth yeah you
ain't getting you ain't getting a booty pic for me sorry about it um that whole segment deserves
you out and I'm actually going to tyrant jail with that human being okay this next submission says
my father used to live in Kazakhstan around 2006 one day he was with his work friend at a bar when
this tall built Russian man comes in he decides I'm assuming Kazakhstan is in Russia
or else why is this man Russian built and also what is Russian built I'm just picturing big and
kind of scary and strong and you know pale that's what I'm picturing um he decides he wants to say
in a bar so close to my dad's but instead of finding a normal empty stool he goes to a chair
occupied by a small female woman and literally throws her off the chair explaining that he wanted
that chair my dad sees this and immediately tends to intervene by saying hey man what the f are
you doing the Russian man then proceeds to tell my dad I'm going to kick the shit out of you when
you leave this bar my father brushes it off but then he notices that the Russian man's friends have
started to join him about four large men inside and another four outside at this point my dad is
super nervous and decides to call the head of security for the company he works for keep in mind
my dad's working for the Cosics what human mind my dad was the managing director of Kazakhstan at this
time what managing director of Kazakhstan and your cause does that mean he's like a political figure
interesting um the head of security tells my dad to wait at the bar and for him to come after
some tense drinking with the work buddy 30 bodyguards start pouring into the bar making a line
from my dad to the exit of the bar because of the country that they are in the bodyguards all
pistols on them as well so there are 30 something armed bodyguards that made a wall of people either
side of my father and took him from the bar to the car there was an additional two black BMWs where
they were escorted to my dad's home now the most insane story but it was insane to hear my dad tell
to me blah blah blah blah blah not the most insane story the the might take away from this story is
I need a head of security and this is the effort that I want my friends to implement
when I say that I'm uncomfortable in a scenario if we are at a bar and someone tries to flirt
with me and I'm giving you eyes that I am uncomfortable or I tell you hey I don't want this person
talking to me or we gotta go or this I am expecting 30 armed personnel making making a tunnel no no no
I want I want I want Moses splitting the red sea was that Moses was that the red sea I want I want
that Bible story split in the red sea I want you to split the sea of people and have 30 armed
personnel leading me out to the bar to two BMWs that are going to privately escort me home safely
away from this individual and who I do not wish to speak to that is the kind of energy that I
want my friends to bring to me and my friends can attest to this that is the kind of energy that
I bring to my friends if you tell me you are uncomfortable or you don't like someone guess what
that person's under arrest that person is framed for murder that person has has has
fingerprints on on a hit and run that's that's the effort that I'm going through that's the effort
that I'm gonna go to to make sure that my friend feels comfortable and I'm gonna need that effort
reciprocated the the accent needs to stop I really I really can't okay today's so I've been so
crazy about I'm going to have one more story for you guys crazy red story when I was 19 I would
deliver drugs for a friend of mine casual start casual start to this submission anyways when
I was 19 I would deliver drugs for a friend of mine one of the guys that delivered weed to oh
oh okay it's just weed it's just weed are we are we still calling weed a drug like I said before
decriminalize weed okay the prison system we need prison reform there's a lot happening over
them anyways let me start over again for the fifth time when I was 19 I would deliver drugs for
a friend of mine one of the guys that delivered weed to worked at the local zoo oh no let's hope
they're on or cuz at this zoo one day we decided to smoke up and a somewhat hidden area behind
the indoor penguin expo enclosure after the sash we went inside to find the penguins were acting
very weird turns out we were smoking right next to the air intake for the said penguin enclosure
and that we accidentally hot boxed all of the penguins now you might not think that that was a
he he ha ha that crazy story I do because I'm very obsessed with animals lately especially animals
that um particularly live in the ocean especially penguins who live in the ocean and also on land
I don't really understand also their birds but they're also see aquatic animals I don't really know
and I could do a whole episode just on penguins and my uncertainty about what the hell they are
however there are some homosexual penguins that adopt babies from other female penguins and I
like that that's not what I meant to say however the reason I screenshot of this story was because
of the first comment under said story that I just write aloud for you all to hear so beautifully
from a sweet soft romantic sexy boys states and that's how penguins of Madagascar were made
how many do you think about that penguins of Madagascar do you remember do you remember that
third do you remember that movie do you remember the penguins nothing back to that story they were hot
boxing getting these penguins high and that's hilarious Madagascar is actually one of the best
animated movies ever franchises I know there's like a whole show after it it is so glory of the
hippo the giraffe who's like socially awkward the penguins who are like men and black I love it
it was amazing and you know what I would like it okay we're coming out with live action
little mermaids we're coming out with live action snow whites ain't nobody want that snow white one
that's no white wine is gonna be a bunch of crap because because she's a little too you know what
and I'm saying this I'm saying this and you know if I'm saying it it's it's it's true because
I'm a woke individual I consider myself pretty woke I support all aspects of the LGBTQI plus
community I support trans rights I support people of color I support indigenous communities I
support a lot I'm very woke snow the news no whites feel a little too woke for me I'm sorry I'm
sorry the news no white you took it too far and can we just have the bitch fall in love with the
printing can we have the doors be dwarves is that so much ask for I'm sorry what was I gonna say
with that oh we're getting all this shit throw that snow white film away you know what live action I
want Madagascar you know what I want to see an action I want to see those penguins in Madagascar
getting a hot boxed by this bitch and his friend the local 19 year old drug dealer and then
them escaped a zoo and make their journey on to find the island of Madagascar wow
I think I just like literally came up with a stunniang live action franchise that if they need
if they need someone to play the head penguin I'm available I think I can pre-record some episodes
and I can still do about so anyways I have no words and no amount of apology could be given for
the amount of chaos that just ensued for this last little bit during this episode and I'm
actually not gonna apologize because I actually think it was actually pretty funny but anyways
I'm gonna go to bed and my neighbors are probably gonna sue me but I last here we are I love you guys
so much thanks for listening make sure to give me a rating or a review down below and I will see
you guys on Friday happy home day happy home day thanks for listening and stay tuned for next day
you